Click here to download this informational pdf.
These videos can be watched on tv.newlife.com.
Practicing Conversations: The Tools Needed (Part 1) dated September 23, 2015
Practicing Conversations: Knowing What to Say (Part 2) dated September 28, 2015.
FOUR STEPS OF LISTENING: (Listening is the harder role!) (OVERVIEW OF THE COMFORT CIRCLE).
- Then ask the speaker to stop and let you summarize if it gets too long.
- Repeat back in your own words what you heard and check for accuracy.
- Ask questions that will broaden your understanding.
- Respond with empathy, … “I see what you are saying” or “I can see how
you might feel that way.” Ask them what they need from the resolution options.
CONVERSATION STARTERS: (“AWARENESS” PART OF THE COMFORT CIRCLE).
- Pick a word from the soul words list that fits with an event in your day and tell me about it.
- Tell me about the best thing in your day and the worst thing in your day.
- Choose an area in our life—work, relationships, church, friends, hobbies, and so on—and then pick a few feeling words that describe your current experiences and feelings about that area.
- Pick a feeling and tell me about a childhood experience when you felt that emotion.
- Choose the feeling your felt most during your day and tell me about it.
GOOD QUESTIONS AND RESPONSES: (“EXPLORE” PART OF THE COMFORT CIRCLE).
- Tell me more, I want to understand.
- What can I do to make it safe for you to open up to me?
- How long have you been feeling this way?
- Are you feeling anything in addition to the emotion you just shared?
- On a scale of 1-10, how strong is your feeling?
- Can you give me an example?
- What did you do when _____________ (your parents were fighting).
- How does that make you feel? (When you see a feeling, reach out and touch.)
- Are there other times you have felt this? Are there times you felt this as a child?
- What are your Hopes? Expectations? Desires?
- Ask: Where? How? Who?, What?, questions. Don’t ask “Why”? (It is often accusatory)
- Stay with feelings and refrain from problem solving.
- Tie the memories to the current reactivity.
- If you are wrong, don’t apologize until you have fully listened
VALIDATION (EMPATHY) STATEMENTS: (“EXPLORE” PART OF THE COMFORT CIRCLE).
- I understand how you could feel that way.
- From your perspective, your feelings make sense.
- I would probably feel the same way if I were in your situation.
- I see your tears, and I see how hurt you feel.
- I see how angry you feel and how upset this makes you.
- It makes sense to me that you would feel ________________.
- I can’t imagine what it would be like to ________________.
- I can see why _____________.
- Reflect what you see in his/her eyes right now. I see ______________.
RESOLUTION—ASK THEM: “WHAT DO YOU NEED?” (“RESOLVE” PART OF THE COMFORT CIRCLE).
- OWNERSHIP “I need you to admit and own the problem, infraction or mistake.”
- APOLOGY OR FORGIVENESS: Acknowledge what painful feelings you caused before saying, “I’m sorry.”
- LITTLE OR NOTHING “I don’t need anything right now, I feel better having gotten that off my chest.”
- REASSURANCE “I need to know that things will be OK, or that you will work on this or that you still love me!”
- AGREE TO DISAGREE “While we still do not agree on this I do feel like we understand and accept one another.”
- COMPROMISE: Can you offer a compromise?
- ANALYSIS / PROBLEM SOLVING “Would you help me figure out how to solve or fix this reoccurring problem?”
- COMFORT AND NURTURE “Would you please hold and comfort me?”
- TEST A SOLUTION: If one spouse is reluctant to proceed with a plan or proposal, agree to try one possible solution for a specified period of time. Set a date to review how the idea is working. Make adjustments after evaluating or try the other partner’s idea for a specified time.
RECONNECT EVEN IF YOU DON’T RESOLVE: Praise one another for making the effort to listen and grow.
Milan and Kay Resources Inc. From How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich
www.howwelove.com © 2006