3 Things We Must Admit for Recovery

I’ve been thinking a little bit about the core beliefs of sexually addicted men and how skewed they are. Our actions and reactions to life are predicated on our core beliefs. If they are slightly out of whack, not grounded in biblical truth or altogether false we are sure to stay stuck. Here are 3 core beliefs I think every man must acknowledge and admit in order to see his sanctification and recovery process move forward.

1 – BELIEF: Sex is vitally important to my well-being. ADMISSION: Sex is something I’ve come to value too highly and I am willing to trust God with it.

It was a huge hurdle for me to surrender sex. I’d say I trust God with my finances, my health, my business, my kids and their health, etc. etc. But trust God with my sex? Let Him be in charge of whether or not I ever have it again? Yikes. And it was a fundamental shift that was absolutely necessary for me to find freedom. The prayer went something like this: “OK God. I’ve put too much importance on sex. But I don’t want to undervalue it either! So you be the judge and you be the determining factor. If I never have sex again; I trust you. If I have frequent sex again; I trust you. As the author of the act, I trust you”.

2 – BELIEF: If anyone knows the truth about my struggle they will reject me. ADMISSION: I have to face rejection to find freedom.

I hate rejection. Even that little tinge of rejection I feel when I’m at a summer BBQ with folks I don’t really know and it seems like I’m odd man out for the conversations going on. Yuck. Hate it. That little tinge of rejection is amplified exponentially when it comes to shameful things like my sexual struggles. I was deathly afraid of being found out. Yet being found out was the best thing that ever happened to me. Freedom is found in facing your fears. Especially rejection.

3 – BELIEF: My life goes well when I’m in control. ADMISSION: I am NOT the best CEO of my life.

This has been a tough one to learn. Over and over again. And over. Again. When I think I’m the best person to be in charge of my life something inevitably and divinely happens to remind me that its a myth. When I think I’ve got it altogether I’m kidding myself. The objective truth is that I can manage some things really well. I’m gifted in areas and can steward those gifts quite well. And the objective truth is also that when I try to manage every thing in my life, I blow it up. I am not the best CEO and that is exactly why I need a savior.

I often need a reminder of this truth; so I’ve been keeping a little note on my computer. It helps me stay grounded even as I blog.

I would love to hear what you’ve had to admit to see recovery happen in your life. I’m sure there are more than these few. Please let me know in the comments section!


16 thoughts on “3 Things We Must Admit for Recovery

  1. Jason, All three core beliefs are hurdles for me at this point. I strongly agree with core belief one and I also know I need to surrender to God my sex life, something I also have valued way too highly. I have paid such a high price for this, too. So much has been stolen from me as a result of having this IDOL in my life for far too long: 44 years.

    Jason, I will meet you this coming week-end at the Men In The Battle Workshop in Denver, where I also live, in Littleton, Colorado. I am REALLY looking forward to this week-end and am expecting great things to happen for all the men in attendence.

    Dale S. Metter

    • Hello Jason, Thank you for the work that you do for all of us travelling this difficult road of recovery. My husband attended the EMB workshop in March and I was thrilled with the profound effect that it has had in his life and our marriage. I thank God for touching his heart and for this ministry. Yet, I have concerns. My husband seems to have adapted the EMB program to his own standards. It has only been a short time, but his initial admission (although it seemed sincere) was vague and only seems to have raised more questions for me. My husband stated that he was sorry for and regrets his relationship with another woman, and now admits that this relationship “might” have been part of his ongoing addiction. Might have been a part? How so? But, he does not answer. Perhaps he cannot answer or does not know the answer. He also stated that he regrets the effects of his addiction had on his job. I did not know that it necessarily had an effect on his job, and if so, in what way? Again, he does not answer. It is difficult for me to forgive vaguely.
      He continues to spend much of his time in front of a screen. A computer screen, a Kindle screen (long hours in the bathroom) or a TV screen. It is a lonely life occupying myself while my husband gives much of his time to something or someone else. I have been seeing a Christian therapist since last November, and my husband reluctantly agreed to join me. My counselor and I discussed at length whether or not I should pay the cost of the EMB workshop from my savings, and decided that this should be one last act of mercy. It might seem silly to want to give up after 45 years of marriage, but sometimes I feel like giving up….this is too hard. Can you offer any words of encouragement or suggestions for us? Thanks for listening.

  2. Dale,

    I’ll be praying that you find peace in God’s grace and the ability to surrender all to the Creator so that you may walk free. God bless you.

  3. Hi Jason, I met you at the Seattle EMB. I had to admit to addiction to porn, masterbation, and beastiality. ever since I did, I have found greater freedom in my recovery than ever before. Thank you for what you do. It changed my life!
    Blessings, Tim

  4. Jason

    I had to learn not to put sex first in my life and move on and put it in the hands of our savor Jesus Christ. I spoke with you last August in Washington DC at the Every mans Battle workshop i really learned a lot and I have been free from sexual inpurity self gratification and porn almost a year now. I just want to say Thank you.

  5. Jason,
    In some literature (which no doubt u are familiar with) talked about the 4 False beliefs of a sex addict;
    1. I am not s good person
    2. If you really knew me you wouldn’t like much less love me
    3. Nobody can help me so I have to do it myself- (I’m an island mentality )
    4. Sex IS my greatest NEED.

    You addressed 1 & 4 already. For me No 1 and 3 were huge factors in my recovery. No 1 was the must significant. Coming to a place where I could forgive myself and feel in my spirit that God forgave.

  6. Jason,

    Bob’s number’s 1,2 & 3 are huge for me right now, especially #3. I often feel all alone in my recovery and find myself at a loss as to “handing it over to Jesus”. I sometimes don’t even know what that looks like. In my case I have bouts with depression and traumas in my childhood that have contributed greatly to my poor coping skills and dissociative condition. I’m a mess. Some of the explanations of “handing it to Jesus” look an awful lot like denial, the very thing that has fragmented me into several compartmentalized personalities.

  7. One thing I’ve had to admit. I cannot under my own power and strength over come my addiction. It is the power of Holy Spirit that grants me victory, one day at a time. No matter how long I’ve been away from this sin, whether it be one day or three months, in my mind I’m in day one of my recovery. Each day is day one, and each day I pray,” Holy Spirit grant me victory today, make it your victory, by your power and strength, protect me from that sin”. That way I don’t look at my abstinence as a badge of honor, for it is the work of the Holy Spirit and in Him I boast. To know that I have a third party active in my fight against sexual sin, the most powerful third party possible, makes all things possible!

  8. Greetings Jason,
    I attended EMB in Washington D.C. about three years ago. It was the deepest spiritual experience of my life. I am on step 11 of a 12 step group and that too has been helpful. The EMB week end was liberating! The journey since ha not been easy but rewarding. I would agree whole heatedly with the three principles you laid out here. Coming to grips with sex not being king in my life was difficult. God has sown me that He can be my everything. I have been sexuly pure for four + years and that is liberating too. (#2) I have found several good men Who are part of my accountability group that know the depth of my sin and still love me as a man God has created. That is wonderful that they know the truth and still trust me. (#3) All I was able to do when I was in control is to make a mess of things. I have to turn the rains of my life back over to Him frequently as I have a tendency to want to take back control from time to time. When He is in control I have the peace that passes all understanding. And that is great!

    Thanks for all of you at EMB! (you may publish this if you wish).

    Denny Mead

  9. We are in a DESPERATE struggle with our son who is only 16 years old. His father struggled with sexual integrity issues for years, but is now a changed man. We just don’t know what to do anymore with our son.
    He has lying issues. He has looked at pornography (some hard core), goes on social media sights, downloads app.’s that are completely inappropriate and we have even had issues with girls within our own town sending him inappropriate (nude) photo’s. He is home-schooled so it is difficult for him to even have access to these things but he finds a way. We have take away his phone, Kindle and computer. We have taken away friends, sports & privileges. We have gone through two of the Preparing your Son for Every Man’s battle workbooks with him. We have monitored him for months until it seems he is doing well & then he goes right back to the same patterns. We are working with a therapist who has him on medication for ADD & impulse control. Nothing is working. I think he desperately wants a relationship with the Lord. The pull and obsession is just so great and it is EVERYWHERE. Are teenagers allowed to attend the work-shops? We have a warrior prayer group that prays for many young men and we are battling with all of our strength on behalf of our sons. We would love to be able to let him attend a workshop with his father. Thank you so much, Mrs. Ellis

    • Hi Mrs. Ellis,
      Thanks for reaching out. A couple of thoughts…
      1 – the Every Mans Battle workshop is for 18 and older, even if accompanied by an adult. So that would not be an option for him.
      2 – you and he both need to know that teenagers are being prosecuted these days for distribution of child pornography when they distribute a nude photo of an underage person. Sexting and pic swapping are becoming so prevalent, along with bullying and abuse surrounding such. Some teens have committed suicide over it.
      3 – I encourage you to talk with your/his therapist about an inpatient treatment program. There are some Christian, live-in programs out there that might serve him well. Teen Challenge is one that comes to mind.

      Hope that helps point you in a direction.


      • Thank you so much Jason. We appreciate the advice & response, and are considering a in-patient therapy option.
        Blessings on this ministry!
        S. Ellis~

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