Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 8

The Wife of an EMB Attendee

Bearing The Pain of my Husbands Sexual Sin

Today I was overwhelmed with despair. The multitude of failed attempts to overcome his sins, the vastness of the temptations that surround him, how could I ever trust him, find any peace or live with a man who would most likely continue to fail me. Tears flooding, strength zapped. What was God trying to teach me? What good was I doing in my current state? I was not a witness of Christ’s love or strength, and definitely not of His forgiveness!

Yet my sorrow must have a lesson for me, what am I not learning?

“I bore all this pain, this despair” I heard Christ whispering in my ear. “I already have felt your grief, your hopelessness – why do you wish to bear it too?” “I not only felt and suffered for your husband’s sins but also suffered the ramifications it has had on you?” “Do you hear me, are you listening?” “Give me your suffering, I can bear it, for I already have, Jesus said to me.” “Do not take on this burden, for it is not yours to bear.”

I could barely grasp what God was saying. Was he telling me I didn’t need to suffer the consequence of my husband’s sins? How far, how many of these consequences would Christ take-on for me, (literally remove from me); my sense of abandonment & despair, my poor self-esteem, my loss of power and peace?

I had always known that God took away my sins and could give me joy when my sins were forgiven. But this was different. Could he take on the aftermath: the pain, humiliation, and despondence that I was suffering from my husband’s sins?

Why wouldn’t He, I asked myself? Do I deserve this? Is this my lot in life for making poor choices? No! No! I heard screaming in my heart, God wants me to be at peace in all circumstances.

DO YOU KNOW SO LITTLE ABOUT MY LOVE, Jesus said? Did I abandon Daniel in the lion’s den? Did I not comfort Paul when he was in prison? Was I not there when Saul pursued David and sought to kill him? God wants to comfort me! God wants to bear my agony! God wants to give me hope when I feel hopeless!

Is it pride or ignorance, I asked Jesus? Has pride or a lack of knowing who you are kept me from this truth? I must continually dwell on your sacrificial love. I must seek with my whole heart, mind and soul to know you better, as if it were the very air I breathe, the substance that keeps me alive. For you my God, are my substance, my only source for true peace.

Oh, how the devil wishes to keep me down, keep me from knowing you fully! What sufferings have I bore needlessly!

How do I claim this prize, this peace, Jesus? It is so vast and hard to comprehend; can I retain it, draw from its power when I am feeling desperate? Help me God, I don’t even know what powers you have for me to use, let alone know how to use them! Don’t let me forget this lesson; that YOU, JESUS, WANT TO BEAR MY PAIN WHEN OTHERS HURT ME, AND REPLACE IT WITH YOUR PEACE AND POWER!

Men, after attending Every Man’s Battle, we strongly encourage you to attend our marriage program at our New Life Weekend
This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of
impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she
still may have.


Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 4

New Life Ministries

Your wife can be your ‘comrade in arms’ if she understands the battle for sexual purity and the road you have chosen for sexual integrity. Because male sexual impurity can be unsettling, even shocking, to women, we’ve included this section of interviews with women regarding Every Man’s Battle to give you awareness of how to relate better to your wife and communicate with her in your struggle to be and stay free. Be aware there’s a natural tug-of-war in the hearts of women between pity and disgust, between mercy and judgment.

Your Weapon of Prayer

Once your husband engages in the battle for sexual integrity, here are some things you can pray for him:

1. Pray that God would keep him from wavering and stumbling. Ask God to put more light on his path and more courage in his step.

2. Pray against spiritual opposition in the form of lies. As you know, Satan will lie to him to weaken his will to win. Pray that Satan’s efforts to confuse him will be ineffective.

3. Pray against possible spiritual oppression. Ask God to release power to break any spiritual oppression over your lives and your home that has resulted from his sexual sin.

Add Mercy to Your Arsenal!
Along with prayer, there are other ways you can help him with this battle. Once he tells you he’s going cold turkey, be like a merciful vial of methadone for him. Increase your availability to him sexually, though this may be difficult for you since your husband might have told you some things that repulse you. Since your sex drive, as a woman, is tied to relationship, you may feel betrayed, just as if your husband had an actual affair.

It may help you to view this from a male’s perspective, where ‘relationship’ and ‘sex’ do not have such a tight bond. Please don’t misunderstand us. His lusting was definitely a moral betrayal, but it wasn’t necessarily a betrayal of the heart. You may still be his one and only true love, the one he could never, ever leave. He has a fractional addiction to the chemical high, but don’t assume his heart for you is untrue. Mercy is probably your best tack ‘ with accountability, of course.

Men, after attending Every Man’s Battle, we strongly encourage you to attend our marriage program at our New Life Weekend
This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of
impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she
still may have.


Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 3

New Life Ministries

Your wife can be your ‘comrade in arms’ if she understands the battle for sexual purity and the road you have chosen for sexual integrity. Because male sexual impurity can be unsettling, even shocking, to women, we’ve included this section of interviews with women regarding Every Man’s Battle to give you awareness of how to relate better to your wife and communicate with her in your struggle to be and stay free. Be aware there’s a natural tug-of-war in the hearts of women between pity and disgust, between mercy and judgment.

As a woman, you’ve no doubt become aware of how much men and women differ sexually. In relation to your own husband, understanding the seventy-two hour cycle can help you keep him satisfied. Males have a strong, regular sex drive. The human male, because of sperm production and other factors, naturally desires sexual release about every forty-eight to seventy-two hours. Upon hearing this, one young wife blurted out, ‘Oh, what a cross to bear!’ Many women, who especially in early married life rarely have a matching level of desire, stand in amazement at how regularly their husbands desire sexual intercourse. But that’s the way men are built.

Ellen: ‘My husband’s purity is extremely important to me, so I try to meet his needs so that he goes out each day with his cup full. During the earlier years, with much energy into child-care and with my monthly cycle, it was a lot more difficult for me to do that. There weren’t too many ‘ideal times’ when everything was just right. But that’s life, and I did it anyway.’

So there’s a place for the ‘quickie.’ While a long-term diet of drive-by sex is unhealthy, it certainly has a place in defusing the power of the seventy-two-hour temptation cycle. Sometimes you just don’t have the time or energy for the full package, but if you care about his purity, you can find just enough energy to get him by.

In terms of your attire around the house, remember that his ignition is visual. You can get his motor running just changing shirts in his presence.

Ellen: ‘For my husband’s sake, I try not to undress in front of him unless I’m ready for action!’

When you want your husband to watch romantic videos with you, be especially sensitive to how movies with vivid love scenes will subject him to visual sensuality. Of course you want the two of you to watch the movie together, but give him room to say no for the sake of his sexual integrity.

Finally, as you struggle with your emotions to fully understand your husband’s problem and its effects on your marriage, realize that something just as harmful to marriage as sexual sin is the sin of comparison. When men look at sensual things, it can make them less satisfied with their wives. Likewise when women fantasize about the perfect husband, it can make them less satisfied with the mate God has given them.

Women are susceptible to this in different ways. Some fall prey to comparing their now stodgy husband to the ‘hunk’ they once knew in college. For others, the dissatisfaction comes from dreaming of a fling to a far-off island, or reading a romance novel and responding with ‘if only’ feelings that lead only to dissatisfaction.

Andrea: ‘The potential big downfall for me would be fantasizing about the ‘perfect husband,’ especially during trying times in our marriage. This makes me feel dissatisfied with him, and I want more from him than I should.’

Francis: ‘We women can fall short in our thought lives. We compare our husbands with other women’s husbands, but not necessarily in the physical or sexual arenas. We do it spiritually, comparing whose husband is a better spiritual leader, or just more spiritual in general. We also compare our lives with other women’s lives ‘ like who has it easier, and who does and doesn’t have to work outside the home. That also can cause dissatisfaction with our husbands.’

After attending Every Man’s Battle, we strongly encourage you to attend our marriage program at our New Life Weekend
This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of
impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she
still may have.