Super Charged Communication

Martin Fierro

So your back home from being motivated and super charged at the last EMB conference. Feeling super charged spiritually? Ready to talk? ‘Hey honey let me share what happened and what I just learned!’ Her response of ‘un-huh, but what about me?’ should not surprise you. How you respond with any information shared from your wife will be vitally important. It is in the healing of the relationship that the events of the past behavior may be in the past historically but not emotionally. In such, healing for the relationship will come through periods of communication super charged with a sensitivity fruit cocktail of caution, fear, hurt, grief, despair (shall I go on?).

The keys many men miss in the opportunity and recovery of the relationship are the components of truly listening to your wife. She too, has a story to tell and an experience to process.

The reality is that the relationship is changed and you cannot go back to the old manners in communication with your wife (and behavior for that matter). For it was in that old nature of communication that deception and manipulation was nourished. On this side of the coin, your communication model should be based in love and grace (in speaking and listening). In the construction of listening there are three strong skills to listening to your wife. Before they are detailed, let it be known that problem solving (Mr. Fix-it) is not the top of the list for listening skills. Research has shown that when the primary components of listening are worked through first, then problem solving and resolution has a higher probability for success.

Think of it this way, we have been given two ears and one mouth. A good probable reason is so we will listen twice as much as we speak.

Listening is not a matter of making the comment back, ‘so what I hear you say is” or ‘I understand.’ Or worse is the appearance of listening while preparing for a rebuttal, ‘I see honey, and I understand, BUT’.’ Do you want to continue super charging the communication level through defensiveness? Because this last example is one sure way of doing it. Or do you want to change the engagement of the communication patterns to a deeper level of intimacy? Your options; continue the old patterns of super charged communications or create the change in your response behavior. And that is typically a good spot to start. Any change in one of you will create a change in the relationship.

The three primary components of productive listening are attend, acknowledge and inviting. Attending has three sub factors: look at the person talking to you, listen to what they are saying (not what your mind is thinking and feeling), and track what they are saying. Acknowledging is about reflecting back through brief statements the thoughts and feelings being heard and understood. And this does not mean a lengthy sentence. Think of acknowledging your spouse with simple words as she shares, such as ‘wow, that is sad, how awful, mad, disappointed, how exciting’etc.’ Inviting is about when you see that your wife is holding back on sharing, and you know that look and feeling, you simple say something to the affect of: ‘keep going,’ ‘tell me more,’ ‘I am with you, please continue,’ or ‘Is anything else you want me to know?’

These skills (attend, acknowledge and invite) give the opportunity to listen to your spouse through love and grace. Notice there was nothing about giving feedback or fixing what was being shared by the other. But more importantly time to allow your spouse to experience the thoughts and feelings without correction, distraction or manipulation.

It is important to know that communication of thoughts and feelings should never be expressed through physical aggression. Appropriate boundaries may need to be set if either one of you have such difficulty. It is also just as important that listening to your spouse may appear to be verbally abusive when in reality she is inviting you into her world of thoughts and feelings of pain, depression, anger’.

In communication there are two words that are recommended to avoid or use cautiously: why & you. Both have at their base a probable result of discord and passive aggressive communication. These two words all too frequently create defensiveness even if such is not meant. Yes there are alternatives that create an opportunity for clarity. Instead of using ‘why,’ try using ‘honey can you help me understand what you meant by’.’ In regards to using ‘you’ statements, it is best to not start a sentence with it such as ‘you should,’ ‘you said” ‘you are not making sense because’.’ Instead, as silly as it may sound, focus on using a ‘you’ later in your statements while responding with the pronoun of ‘I.’ Such as, ‘There is no way I can truly understand the pain I have put you through and I want to support you through this the best that I can. It pains me to know I have caused you so much hurt in your heart.’

In all, these skills are to build empathy and intimacy with your wife. The thoughts and feelings of the relationship will ebb and flow as the issues are worked through. The communication problem solving steps will have to be another article. But for now, it is important to clarify that when your wife is not attended to, acknowledged, or invited to share more of what they have on their heart and mind, the common experience and sense of feeling ‘crazy’ overcomes your spouse. Let me stress again that in listening to the communication from any person is the pathway to inviting you into their world as they experience it. Listening is sitting there with them, feeling and experiencing the world that person lives in. If the information being shared is abused, made fun of, not attended, acknowledged or invited to expound upon, one will commonly shut down. Listening is truly about following not leading. If you want to super charge the intimacy of communication, practice the basic skills of listening.

Thoughts on Grief in Recovery

Thoughts on Grief in Recovery: grieving the relationship with sexual sin that was so familiar.

Perhaps you have grieved over the death of a family member or close friend. The time following a death is very painful and full of all sorts of emotions. Usually there is closure. There is a body, people send flowers and bring food. Some may sit and talk with you as you reminisce the fond times you spent together. Some may laugh at the stories and some may cry with you. There is a funeral, a gathering of loved ones who grieve their own relationship to the one who was lost. There is the burial, the cemetery, a stone marking the life span of the one who is now gone from your life. Born,died, The recovery from your loss does not end at the cemetery. It continues for a long time.

We all grieve in different ways. The depth and pain of our grief correlates with the level of attachment to the one we lost. The death of a neighbor down the street or someone at the office will not have the impact as the death of a parent, spouse or child. The extent of your grief over the loss of a pet is determined by the relationship you have with the pet. The closer you are to the one you lost, the greater the pain and work of the grief you bare.

Have you considered the fact that someone does not have to die to initiate grief? We face loses daily. As I look into the mirror, I am reminded of the loss of my youth. The grey hair and wrinkles in my face are tell-tell signs that youth has passed. Not to mention the aches and pains that accompany the aging process. We may grieve the loss of health, the loss of a job, the loss of our home to fire. We may grieve the loss of friendships due to a move. There are “good” losses that are grieved, like the loss of a child to college, to marriage or a job in another town or state. These are what we raised our children for and are to be celebrated but when the time comes, we grieve the fact that they won’t be coming home for dinner and they no longer live in our home. They now turn to their spouse for their encouragement, help, conversation, and affection instead of dad.

When we face such losses we expect to find empathy, support, understanding, encouragement, comfort, and hope. We expect people to understand or at least accept our emotional out-burst or anger which is our protest against what has been taken from us. But what support, understanding, comfort, and empathy do we receive from the loss of one of our closest companions? The one who has consoled us when we have been rejected? The one who understood when we were tired and just needed release from the pressures of life? The one who provided companionship when we were lonely? The one who filled our appetite when we were hungry? The one who would always calm our anger, no matter how obnoxiously we showed it to the world or how deeply we buried it inside? This is the friend that was most trusted and would be there for us to comfort and console. This friend always satisfied our burning desire. This friend, you know, the one who is written about in Proverbs 7: 15ff.

“I have come out to meet you, to seek your presence earnestly, and I have found you. I have spread my couch with coverings, with colored linens of Egypt. I have sprinkled my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us drink our fill of love until morning; Let us delight ourselves with caresses. With her many persuasions she entices him; with her flattering lips she seduces him.”

Our “friend,” the one we have turned to in times of need has been there to meet us, to comfort, seduce and entice us. But something has happened to the relationship with that “friend.” This is the “friend” that represents your sexual acting out. It is your illicit sexual partner, whether she is internet pornography, chat room, phone sex, prostitutes, massage parlors, one night stands, bar pick-ups, or a sexual relationship that has developed over time. And you have made a decision to end it. Whether it was you’re your choice or whether the choice was forced upon you by “getting caught.” Hopefully you realized that the above passage from Scripture did not end there. There was more as we pick up in verse 23:

Suddenly he follows her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as one in fetters to the discipline of a fool, until an arrow pierces through his liver;

As a bird hastens to the snare, so he does not know that it will cost him his life.

If you have ended the relationship that has been so much a part of your life, you will grieve the loss as you would a death. A major part of your life has been amputated and you grieve. It helps to understand the stages of grief in order to identify what you need to do to work through your grief.

*Dr. H. Norman Wright lists the stages of grief as follows:

  • Loss
  • Shock
  • Numbness
  • Denial
  • Emotional Outbursts
  • Anger
  • Fear
  • Searching’s
  • Disorganization
  • Panic
  • Guilt
  • Loneliness
  • Isolation
  • Depression
  • Re-Entry Troubles
  • New Relationships
  • New Strengths
  • New Patterns
  • Hope
  • Affirmation
  • Helping Others
  • Loss
  • Adjustment

As you think about the stages in light of the loss of your sexual sin, your trusted companion through thick and thin could look like this:

  • Shock – sin exposed. Out of our shock and disbelief we want to minimize the loss. Lies are often employed to try to cover the shame of the exposure.
  • Numbness – A loss of feeling. Breathing has all but stopped and is very shallow.
  • Denial – This is only temporary. I can still maintain my secret life. This is not a permanent loss. Here we are leaving the door unlocked for future opportunities to act out.
  • Emotional Outburst – May come in arguments with spouse or others. These outburst are a flood of emotions from sorrow, anxiety, sadness, rage, vindictiveness, betrayal, helplessness, rejection, abandonment, envy, woe, depression, panic, dismay, apathy, anguish, resentment, inadequacy. As Dr. Wright explains these emotions are like a tangled ball of emotions.
  • Anger – A protest to the unfairness of the loss. This anger may come in arguments with your spouse or others. Or it could be internalized and suppressed in a form of resentment toward others, a seething within the heart.
  • Fear – How will I cope without my friend who satisfies my cravings for my lust?
  • Searching’s – Maybe there is a hidden magazine or perhaps I could just do some internet surfing and maybe something would pop up “unexpectedly.”
  • Disorganization – In the past life was well organized. It had to be to hide the secret life. Now it is exposed and life is in chaos.
  • Panic – How will I cope? What will the future bring? Will I loose my family? Friends? Job? More questions than answers.
  • Guilt – that says “I did something bad.” To Shame that says “I am bad.”
  • Loneliness – The times you normally would have acted out sexually now you face the reality of feeling really alone. This is one of the triggers that leads to acting out.
  • Isolation – pulling away from relationships. Again isolation provides opportunity to relapse.
  • Depression – Inward focusing on the shame and guilt that underline your feelings of unworthiness.
  • Re-Entry Troubles – Learning about the true intimacy that you have been substituting with false intimacy for years. True intimacy is about knowing and being known without the secrecy and masks. It is about acceptance of self and others, as well as responsibility.
  • New Relationships – Learning to have accountability with guys who you can have an openness of heart. A heart that holds no secret compartments. Learning to laugh with other men and building true friendships.
  • New Strengths – Investing in new hobbies and activities with others.
  • New Patterns – May involve going to bed together with your spouse instead of staying up waiting for opportunities to indulge with the old “friend.” New Patterns may involve deeper levels of communication. Family togetherness without TV.
  • Hope – Life can be good without the old “friend.” The confirmation that you can live without this influence in my life.
  • Affirmation – A sense of wholeness. A sense that the addiction can be managed.
  • Helping Others – By being real and transparent with other men you will lead and have influence in the lives of other men as a role model.

What makes the grief work most difficult in the loss of the sexual acting out is that most of the time, at least in the early stages, you may be grieving alone and without empathy from your family and friends. This grief work is necessary and the pain is reality. Ignoring these deep emotional needs will become a set up for relapse into the old patterns of life. By processing the stages of grief you will find peace and healing. Experiencing the true intimacy with your wife is far greater than the quick substitute of the false intimacy with the “old friendship” you have chosen to let die.

Meeting with a counselor to identify the losses and help process the grief and recovery is not only recommended but is essential.

Craig Boden

If you have not already attended Every Man’s Battle we encourage you to do so.

After you have attended Every Man’s Battle we encourage you to attend our New Life Weekend with your spouse.

Guarding Your Heart and Mind

James Hutchison

One of the biggest struggles men have is living in a world where temptation is so constant. The life that God wants us to live as men of integrity puts us at odds with Satan. The Bible never tells us to attack the forces of evil, because we are not equipped to fight in the supernatural world. Instead we are called to protect ourselves from attack.
The good news is that God does not leave us defenseless.

Paul’s letter to the Ephesians 6:11 (NIV) says, Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devils schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand your ground and after you have done everything, to stand.

We are called to protect our heart and our mind, in Proverbs 4:23 we read, guard your heart for it is the well spring of life,’ 2:11 says discretion will protect you and understanding will guard you, 4:13 says Hold on to instruction because it will guard your life.

So if you have not looked at the plan that you developed at Every Man’s Battle, now would be a good time. The plan is your goal! Reflect on what you have been able to keep and what needs more attention. Don’t get discouraged by the things that continue to stop you from reaching that goal. In the book of James, he tells us that when bad things happen, not if, but when they happen that we should consider it pure joy, because whenever we face the trials of life God is testing our faith to develop our perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that we may become mature and complete not lacking anything.

Get together with your small groups, have some clean fun, and don’t get slimed.

If you haven’t attended Every Man’s Battle yet, please click here for some information.
If you are married and have attended Every Man’s Battle, we encourage you to attend our next New Life Weekend with your wife.