Back to Our Knees in Recovery: Starting the New Year off Right

Jeff McVay

It’s that time of year again. The Christmas decorations are slowly coming down. Times Square is getting ready for the big celebration. Children are planning for another night of sleep deprivation before school starts. Everyone is asking the familiar questions: ‘What are you doing New Year’s eve?’ ‘Where are you going to watch the ball drop?’ and ‘Does anybody know what auld lang sine really means?’

Shortly after this we usually ask ourselves what our New Year’s resolutions will be.

Many Christians set New Year’s resolutions around time in prayer (myself included). Prayer is something that we all need and something that most Christians consider important. However, we often set our resolutions so high that we cannot possibly keep them (example: I will get up at 4:00 am everyday and pray for at least an two hours about everything I can think of). Or we set them so low that they do not really stretch us and we forget about them (example: I will say ‘thanks God’ before I get out of bed and go on with my busy day). I would like to help us all set a reasonable resolution concerning prayer that will stretch us enough to keep us going but not be so overwhelming that we give up at 12:01 am New Year’s Day.

Prayer is a great place to start the New Year, especially for people who are in recovery from various addictions. Eugene Peterson, author of numerous books and translator of The Message, says:

Getting started is easy enough. The impulse to pray is deep within us, at the very center of our created being, and so practically anything will do to get us started- ‘Help!’ and ‘Thanks!’ are our basic prayers. But honesty and thoroughness don’t come quite as spontaneously.

For our New Year’s resolution we want to ‘get started’ and yet move towards the honesty and thoroughness that Dr. Peterson talks about.

Setting our standards too high or too low is only part of the problem. For many people struggling with various addictions, we tend to think that we must clean up our act before we can pray effectively. We have a deep sense of shame that paralyzes us as we think about talking to God who is holy and perfect. You might say to yourself ‘There is no way that I can pray the flowery prayers that my pastors or elders pray.’ We assume that God only wants to hear about our ‘good’ feelings (happiness, joy and gratitude), and that ‘bad’ feelings (anger, frustration and sorrow) should be left alone when it comes to prayer. Therefore, we hold on to ‘bad’ feelings and say ‘I’ll just work on these ‘bad’ things myself and only try to bring the ‘good’ things to God.’

This is truly ‘addict’ thinking. The substances of addictions (drugs, alcohol, pornography, sex, etc.) are only the symptoms of a much greater issue’fear of intimacy, which requires openness and honesty even about the parts of ourselves that we are ashamed of. When we indulge in these things we spend an awful lot of time trying to cover our tracks so that no one will know what we have done. This leads to isolation, which causes pain. We then try to medicate this pain or ‘make it go away’ by indulging once more and thereby starting the cycle all over again.

When we can only bring our ‘good’ feelings to God then we are doing the same thing to God that we do to our families and friends by covering up. God invites us, through prayer, to take off the mask (that He can see through anyway) and stand before him just as we are and not as we should be. God longs for us to bring the totality of ourselves, both what we think is positive and what we think is negative, before Him in openness and honesty. Again Eugene Peterson writes, ‘Prayer is not ‘advanced’ language. It is the means by which our language becomes honest, true and personal in response to God. It is the means by which we get everything in our lives out in the open before God.’

So how do we do this if we don’t have experience in being open and honest before God? We go to the prayers God has given us in His word as a way of practicing how to pray. These are found in the Psalms. If you are having trouble believing what I have said about prayer so far, I invite you to explore the Psalms and see if I am wrong. You will find Psalms that are cries for help. There is utter sorrow. There is complete anger where people pray for the death of their enemies and even their enemy’s children. There are prayers of frustration even when their frustrations are with God. And, of course, prayers of hope, joy and thankfulness.

The Psalms teach us that openness and honesty about our feelings before God is what God desires. Our emotions and our honesty do not scare God. He will not run screaming from the room. He will run to us and listen to our deepest feelings. In fact Romans 8:28 tells us that when we bring ‘difficulties that are too great for words to express’ God’s Spirit prays in us and for us.

With all this in mind, we will now look at our New Year’s resolution again. Much like learning to run a marathon, we must enter into a training period. No one goes out and runs a marathon on their first day. They first run a few minutes and gradually build up to marathon distance. So with our ‘prayer training’ we will also start with small increments and with the proper tools to help us eventually get to wherever we think we want to go in prayer.

I think a great place to start is with five minutes of reading a particular Psalm and five minutes of practicing our own prayer per day. That’s right, ten minutes a day is all you need to begin. And, just like running, you set your own pace in growth from there. Psalm 51 and Psalm 139 are great places to start, but you can pray any of the Psalms. If the flowery language of the Bible has been off- putting for you, then pick up a translation in Modern English such as The Living Bible or The Message. Either one will help you remember that these prayers are from regular people opening themselves up before God.

Then spend five minutes using your own words before God.

If you can, try to be in a place where you can speak your prayer aloud without anyone hearing, that way you get in the habit of opening yourself up verbally before God. It will feel strange at first, but you will see a change in yourself very shortly if you continue. At first your prayers may only be ‘help’ and ‘thanks’ to God, but Psalms 139 and 51 will help you remember that prayer is about developing openness and honesty. Strive for thoroughness as you continue. You will find that God will meet you and continue to call you forward into greater joy, love, peace, hope and intimacy with yourself, with your struggles, with your loved ones and with God himself. Quoting Peterson once again: ‘[I am] convinced that only as we develop raw honest and detailed thoroughness in our praying do we become whole or truly human in Jesus Christ, who also prayed the Psalms.’

If the Psalms benefited Jesus in his prayer time, we can definitely rely on them this New Year to guide us into a deeper, more open and honest prayer time with the God who loves us. Happy New Year!

Christmas Hope

Rebecca J. Wever

Christmas-time is often a time when people feel hopeful. As followers of Jesus Christ we are reminded that our Savior was sent to earth as an innocent little baby for us, each one of us. But sometimes even though we have hope in things that are eternal we may still feel hopeless when it comes to the things of this world. Being on the road to sexual purity, and more specifically, restoring a wounded or broken marriage can sometimes feel hopeless.

As the wife of a recovering sex addict I want to give you hope. Many of you have heard David Wever’s story of his fall to sexual sin and the damage it did to both him and our marriage. I was a woman who was stung by betrayal, a woman who completely lost trust in her husband. I remember the days when I couldn’t see past my pain to a day when we would have a good relationship, or even better, a healthy marriage.

As David and I are in contact with couples through the Every Couple’s Desire Conference the thing I hear most from the men is, ‘She’s stuck.’ However, it may not be so much that she is stuck but more that she hasn’t begun to heal. The most wonderful gift I ever received was the gift of healing. As I began to heal and to face both the betrayal and myself in light of the betrayal, I was able to start to move back towards David and the issues that brought us to the place we were. Unfortunately, you can’t heal for her, you can’t make it happen faster and you can’t demand that she does it.

I found that healing can happen as three components come in to place.

First, you must adhere to your battle plan. Your wife will watch you to see if you are for real. She wants to trust you but she won’t allow her heart to be hurt that way again. You have to show her you are going to follow through with the things you say. Meet with your accountability partner, disconnect cable, put a filter on your computer, let you finances be open for her to see, and don’t be defensive when she needs to ask questions or express her feelings. I still ask David questions or express fear or pain – it’s not a one time discussion.

Second, she will need to work through her pain, wounds and issues on her own. She may need individual therapy or a mentor to talk with. Give her the freedom to seek healthy and supportive relationships to do this. Just as it is important for you to have relationships to keep you accountable and strong in the battle she will also need relationships for support and strength.

And third, healing will only happen through the Holy Name of Jesus Christ. Acts 3:16 says, ‘By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him…‘ Your wife will begin to heal, or grow stronger, as you both surrender to Jesus Christ.

Pray for her daily. Pray for her healing, her pain, her wounds and her anger. Surrender your wife to your Heavenly Father. Here is the hopeful part’I am a woman who lost any hope for a happy, healthy marriage. I am a woman who never thought her husband could love her enough to be sexually pure. I am a woman who never dared to hope for anything better. But, I am a woman who is living all those things today.

Our Father in Heaven is amazing and He wants for your marriage to be healthy and holy and wonderful just as much as He wants it for David and me. So if things feel hopeless for you this holiday season, as you remember the little baby Jesus, I pray you will find new hope, not only in the things eternal but also in the things of this world.

Transparency in Recovery: A Vital Life Line

Ron Fevelo

“Transparency” If I may define the term for purposes of this article:

Transparency is the state of seeking to be open, candid and freely sharing about our inner world such that others will become more and more intimately acquainted with us.

Now, on the surface this may sound like a frightening concept and one that can only get in the way of being a “man in the world.” Well, in some ways that makes sense. It would be foolhardy to suggest that a man ought to be in the process of sharing of their inner self with all passersby. No, transparency must be tempered with common sense as well as with discretion. No man can be or ought to be always revealing his inner self.

Now, nearly everybody would agree that men ought to be honest, candid and frank with one another but this is not so easy to pull off in the daily grind of life. One of fundamental reason for this difficulty is that “real” men don’t, ‘show their cards’ so to speak. In a poker game you hide what’s going on on the other side of those playing cards hoping to project a false or deceptive sense of what’s really going on with your “hand.” Even more fundamental than any difficulties we may experience in revealing ourselves in a transparent way as ‘real men’ let us bear in mind that we have a far more daunting and pervasive challenge.

It happened quite a few years ago in a garden; one more beautiful than any before (because there weren’t any before) or since’.the garden of Eden! As the result of ‘the fall’ mankind broke intimacy and transparency with his Creator and had to wear a fig leaf to hide as it were, himself. This tragic occurrence has been the bane of man’s existence ever since. Not only did sin sever the perfection of that closeness with God but it seriously hampered the marital (as well as all other) relationships amongst human beings. (Fortunately, our Lord still knows us totally, intimately and perfectly.)

Many men who struggle with sexual purity will have a strong tendency to be anything but transparent. That is, they will probably increasingly feel the need to hide who they are as they become more and more given to the clandestine and become engulfed in the shame that attends to this situation. Further, this man may likely turn more and more to the object of his affection (porn, affairs, etc) which increases the shame, hiding (non-transparency) and may ultimately lead to (sexual) or other addictions.

So, what does the idea of transparency really have to do with the ‘battle?” Well, for those of you who are concerned that you may need the type of assistance given at the Every Man’s Battle Workshop let me note a few things’ When we seek to change the problems associated with sexual impurity and sexual acting out by entering the recovery process, we will find that those who have successfully established themselves in their recovery will be individuals who are, well, transparent. You will notice that they practice honesty and candor. That is, you will observe that they will talk about themselves; more specifically, they will regularly speak about their inner-world; their shortcomings, their joys and concerns, their fears and victories. They will demonstrate to their world that they know that they have nothing to hide. They are no longer living “the lie,” and don’t have a need to expend the energy to cloak themselves and hide from others.

The lifeline of transparency will connect a man to his inner world, which will allow and enable him to connect with his Lord and with other people more deeply and personally. The essence of this whole process finds its home in the well-known process of living a transformed life, which as Christians know, is an ongoing, life-long process. The process of living a transformed life involves a daily, life-long cooperation with the work of the Holy Spirit as we become changed inwardly.

In summation, I believe that we ought to consider that in order to be a man who is going to be true, connected, healed and healthy, we do well to take seriously the idea of setting up a process that allows for others to “take a look” at our inner world. This process occurs naturally as an outgrowth of the process of recovery/transformation. The man who can strive for and begin to achieve the transparent lifestyle is the man who is on the way to being restored to what our Lord originally intended him to be.