Faulty Core Beliefs – Is sex a need?

Is sex a need?

This is one of those issues that, month-after-month, sparks a great conversation at the Every Mans Battle workshops. I thoroughly enjoy the discussion, even though sometimes it can get pretty heated. It is amazing to see how many different angles there are to answer the question too; biblical, single vs. married, natural/instinctual, physiological, psychological.

In an effort to start a discussion [not an argument] I’d like to invite feedback on this post.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, guru of sex addiction work, says in Out of the Shadows that people who are sexually addicted believe sex is their most important need. A lot of guys argue this point. At face value it is in fact easy to argue; especially when we apply Christian principles and understand that God designed sex, it is good, and it is part and parcel to marriage. But the more we unpack what it means to believe sex is a need, the more we see how our lives reflect our beliefs.  Let me explain:

Is sex a need to perpetuate the species and “go forth and multiply”?  Yes, it is. The species and multiplication cannot occur without it. (Ok, we can debate the logistics and mechanics of modern medicine related to reproduction, but at the end of the day a sexual act is still involved). So, in this sense, sex is a need. But, does that mean every time we engage sex with our spouse we are doing so to reproduce? No. So is sex a need for us personally?

Is sex a need based on physiology? Yes, there is a cycle to the development of sperm/semen that requires release. While the interval varies, for most men there is a regular cycle of production that physiologically requires a release. In this sense too, sex is a need. However, this assumes sex is the only vehicle to appropriately provide release. And by sex, I mean sexual acts – from masturbation to sexual intercourse. But is this true? What about nonsexual nocturnal emissions; where the body releases without a sexual stimulus? If you’ve talked to someone who has had a vasectomy, you know that once a vasectomy happens, sperm production does not immediately stop. Instead, the body has ways of dealing with the production through absorption and excretion. So, here we are again, asking the question: is sex a need in this regard?

What about if you’re married? If the person we love the most on the planet changes her last name, does sex automatically become a need? God ordained sexual intimacy in marriage and in fact encourages it. Some would say He commands it! Does this make it a need? And if it does, what about marriages where one spouse or the other cannot physically engage in sexual intimacy? I digress. Can we agree that marital status neither confirms nor denies whether sex is a need?

Do we need sex to feel loved? There is a cultural saying thrown around that goes, Women need to feel loved to have sex, Men need to have sex to feel loved”. Do you believe this? Is that to say that there are no other ways for men to feel loved other than to have sex? Is it the chicken or the egg – do men only know how to feel loved via sex because they’ve never know true intimacy and thus love without sex? I’ve digressed.

If we don’t get food, we die. If we don’t get water, we die. If we don’t get air, we die. Those are needs. We all believe, at a core level, that we need them. As such, we’ll go to great lengths to get them. We would cross lines we swore we’d never cross, go places we promised to never go, do things to people we never imagined ourselves doing, and breaking vows we swore we would never break.

Want to guess what a lot of guys have done to get sexual pleasure?

Most guys I talk to have crossed lines, gone places, broken vows (that they truly meant) and have done things to themselves and others they swore they would never do. Why?

Because they have a core belief that sex is a need, and fear the negative consequence on their life if they surrender it.

Do you believe sex is a need?
Do you fear negative consequences on your life if you surrender it?

Have you crossed lines or broken vows you swore you’d never transgress?








12 thoughts on “Faulty Core Beliefs – Is sex a need?

  1. thank you for this info its informative and I would like more. I was exposed to porn at a very young age and it consumed me I lost everything because of my addiction to it and I struggle daily with sexual temptation I, pressing more into GOD to help me for he is my hope

  2. In Sexaholics Anonymous, it says that sex is optional. I believe it. I still want sex but I am learning that I don’t need it like I used to and thought life would be depressing and meaningless without it.

  3. Sex is very, very pleasurable and our bodies get used to it. I am divorced and didn’t have much of a problem until my sex life was broken off. My counselor is adamant that sex isn’t a need and I agree. Our best example as always is Jesus, in his incarnation He was a healthy man but never had sex.

    • Well played, Dave. Sometimes people retort with, “Jesus was God so it was easy for him to go without sex” but we understand biblically that he felt the struggle of humanity. Thanks Dave!

  4. So much of what I read during my recovery talks about sex being an every-three-days biological need, that wives should submit to keep their men at home, etc. It is very refreshing to hear the argument that it is NOT a need. We have been abstaining for a few years now, and although I’d like our sex life to be different, I am learning to be patient until she trusts me again and works through her issues, and I continue to work through mine. The Holy Spirit is granting me the peace I need to deal with my desires, and my body is doing just fine. I struggle with the world’s view that I am not a “real” man because of lack of sex, but I pray daily to be of God’s world and submit to His plan, not mine. My wife and I are now intimate on so many other levels that we weren’t before my addiction was discovered, and if and and when the time comes for us to be physically intimate, it will be a gift from God. Thanks, Jason. Great post.

  5. I don’t believe sex is a need. I have been divorced now for three years haven’t had sex since. I will not have sex till I am married again. I want to follow Gods rule on sex this time

  6. Enjoyed what was written I believe more men need to see this even those who say they know and love God but feel having sex outside of marriage is ok. Guys can not stay with me because I will not have sex. My daughter was seven when I left my husband it’s been 12 years and I have not found a man that could sustain til marriage. That really saddens me that love is so attached to sex,that other things in a love relationship are secondary. Thank you again, and I believe he will find me.

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