Fraudulent Intimacy

True intimacy always comes with the risk of rejection. Whether real or perceived, when we deliberately push ourselves towards vulnerability and allow ourselves to be known there is a sense of possible rejection. And don’t we all know that risky feeling, wondering even as the words come out of our mouth if we’ll find acceptance from the person we’re sharing with? It doesn’t matter how long we’ve known the person or how recently we met, it doesn’t matter if they share our last name or not; the risk of rejection is real.

That risk is part and parcel to true intimacy.

But the benefit of true intimacy is huge! Think about the emotional benefits of being in a truly intimate relationship, where someone knows your hopes, dreams, fears, failures, passions, criticisms, insecurities, etc. and still accepts you. These words come to mind-

  • Love
  • Acceptance
  • Validation
  • Comfort
  • Safety
  • Respect
  • Security
  • Contentment
  • Peace
  • Joy
  • Belonging
  • Affirmation

Who doesn’t want all that in and from a relationship?! Yet lets not forget…all these come with the risk of rejection. To fully accept the acceptance we long for we must be fully known (to the extent we can know ourselves, for all you existentialists out there). Without being fully known, good, bad and ugly, in the back of our minds we’ll always be asking, “if you really knew me, if you really knew what goes on in my head and in my life, would you still accept me”?

Enter false or fraudulent intimacy.

Fraudulent intimacy is something that resembles true intimacy, giving a brief expression of the benefits, while minimizing and sometimes completely eradicating the risk. The allure is that for a moment, while acting out sexually, we can feel a little dose of love, acceptance, comfort, belonging, etc. without having to risk our hearts by being fully known. But it’s a fraud, ever convincing us that what we’re experiencing is real when all along its smoke and mirrors. The emotional benefits are fleeting, quickly replaced by shame, guilt and a desire to hide. True intimacy always promotes openness, vulnerability and connection. Fraudulent intimacy promotes shame, hiding and isolation.

Remember, the antidote to sexual acting out with pornography, strip clubs, prostitutes and affairs is true intimacy.

6 thoughts on “Fraudulent Intimacy

  1. Right on, I found a Christian woman who I actually have a true connection with. It is amazing how having a true intimate relationship has changed everything for me or should I say us.

  2. I have recently come to terms with my porn addiction, and I am working on tools to help me to overcome and accept my addiction and it has been a real eye opener for me to discover that many of my problems are caused from lack of intimacy and vulnerability in my relationship.

    I document my progress on my blog, as it helps me to understand things and hopefully others can benefit too.

    I enjoy reading your articles, they are very enlightening.

  3. my problem is that I neither desire or want intimacy. Physical or emotional, I can’t stand to touch or be touched. That’s a problem because I’m married, if I knew what marriage would require, I NEVER would have gotten married. I found out too late that I was better off being single. If my wife never told me “I love you”, wouldn’t bother me at all. I only say it because that’s what she wants. So yes, I have an intimacy problem

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