Thank you for sharing your conversations. I listened to the first one and now this one. My husband (Daryl) attended EMB in Washington, DC last month. He came back a changed and humbled man and gave full disclosure his first night back. I listened and asked questions and he answered openly and honestly. It went well…until the next day when it all sank in for me! His emotional affair with a co-worker began just 2 months after we were married last year and I recognized the first signs of something wrong (with that incident) 4 months later. Daryl has sexual integrity issues with porn for many years and any woman who pays any level of attention to him. Our first month has been exactly as you described in this video and continues to be up and down (mostly me). I ask questions everyday how things went at work because the other woman still works their. He answers me and sometimes initiates how the day went on his own. He has created an avoidance in being alone with her as much as possible day-to-day, but after a month now, she is doing little things to try to start that “personal relationship” back up. He has handled it well so far. We critique those things together day to day. Yes it is tough! The deceit and betrayal along with the emotional infidelity is a big pill to swallow for me, but my husband is doing what he needs to do to make our marriage work. I respect that. He has his days of wanting to quit but he doesn’t. It is emotionally exhausting for us both at times.
I thank you and your wife for sharing such a deeply personal issue with us all. It helps me tremendously to hear her side, as well as yours, in this. It’s like “walking the steps” in real-time with someone who has been through it. God Bless you both for your ministry in helping marriages and yours in helping the men with their sexual integrity.
I am so glad to hear that it’s been going well! At least, as well as it can go given the circumstances. I could tell Daryl was tracking through the course of the weekend and it sounds like he is trying hard to do it by the book. That’s fantastic! I love what you said – “he is doing what he needs to do to make our marriage work. I respect that.” So many men come to EMB longing for their wife’s respect, yet don’t live in a manner worthy of it. And most wives long to respect their husbands; in the midst of infidelity it’s tough to find something respectable though. If you hang in there and stay with it, and Daryl hangs in there with a humble posture, there will be a day when your marriage will thrive rather than just survive.
Thank you for your words of encouragement! We’re glad our story can be a little bit of hope for other people’s stories. I tell people all the time that the EMB weekend is a place of hope, where men find what they need for the journey ahead. I’m glad Daryl got what he needed.
Do you have a outline on how to write a full disclosure….That would be of great help to me
I don’t have an outline per se to give you. However, it can be very simple. You start as far as back as you can remember with your sexual history and begin writing it out. From the first days of playing “doctor” and discovering your sexuality to the most recent acting out event. Try to be as specific as possible in terms of dates; while you cannot possibly remember them exactly, you must show a good faith effort to get in the ballpark. Example: “A few years ago I had an affair” vs. “I had an affair in the spring of 2008″. The closer you get to nailing down a date the more your wife will believe you’re telling the truth. Being vague is tantamount to hiding in her book. You don’t need to use peoples’ names, specific websites, hotel names, etc. – unless that is something your wife asks for.
I urge you to pray for God to reveal what is hidden in your memory. If you’re like me, you’ve done so much you simply cannot remember all the details. That is okay (though you can’t use it as an excuse); pray for God to bring to mind what is most pertinent.
At EMB we typically go over this a bit more in detail, as well as layout more ground rules and helpful hints for the overall process of disclosing.
Hope that is helpful!
I have battled this all my life starting with some abuse as a child (not an excuse, just how it started)
but this website and your concepts are new to me. I really appreciate the simple openness of both the man and women in this video. It is very attractive because you can sense the openness in their relationship about the hard things.
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