Struggling With Silence

Steve Arterburn

A man wrote this comment about his relationship with his wife: ‘I did not reveal myself to her. I stuffed many of my thoughts, emotions, and needs that I feared would lead to rejection if I voiced them’This was cutting her off’I believe this was an abdication of my responsibility. I have known for many, many years that honesty and openness is God’s way but had not really come to terms with it until recently.’

 

As a man, you likely agree that not every emotion you feel’for example, fear, inhibition, or intimidation’is good. You probably realize honesty and openness is God’s desire but struggle to obey. Haven’t you wondered if Adam ever said ‘I’m sorry’ to Eve. Think about it. There he was in the Garden, listening to Satan tempt his wife, and he did nothing to interfere, to keep her from giving in. And the rest is history.

 

As one prominent psychologist noted, ‘Adam was there and he was silent.’ I wonder if Adam ever spoke to Eve about his shame. And I wonder if we men have inherited his silence.

 

You don’t have to give in to the temptation of silence. Share yourself with your wife. Come to terms with the fact that the silence that fills your home is like a fog and obscures you from her. But you can begin to clear the fog. Give her the opportunity to receive what you say with trust and grace. It might be scary. But you can do it.

Male Rebellion

Steve Arterburn

Sure, Eve was the first to be deceived in the Garden of Eden. We’re told that in the Bible. But Adam, on the other hand, knew that eating the forbidden fruit was in direct contradiction to what and Adam did so anyway!

 

Through the millennia, Adam’s sons’that’s us, guys’have been just as rebellious. We’ve chosen our own way with a high-handedness and intensity far beyond that shown by most women. Do you doubt this? I invite you to consider just one illustration that demonstrates my point: crime. Who commits crimes at a far greater rate, men or women? Men do. And of the crimes committed by men and women, which group commits crimes of a much more violent nature? Again, men have a clear and decided edge.

I’m not saying men are greater sinners than women. I’m saying that sin affects men differently than it does women, and consequently, that sin expresses itself in ways that demonstrate that difference. My point is this: men tend to be more rebellious than women.

Now, lets translate this point into the dynamic of marriage. Men are more likely to get bored with the straight and narrow; to grow tired of submitting to the needs of their spouses; to demand having things their own way.

Men, know yourselves! Not in order to ‘fix’ yourselves. That’s impossible. But in order to identify areas in need of transformation by the grace of Jesus Christ.

Ongoing Disclosure

In our society of instant communication–cell phones, text messaging, etc.–we have lost the significance and meaning of words. We rarely think about the significance of the words we use to get our message across. This was not always the case. In earlier writings throughout history men labored to be exact in their choice of words so as to be clear in their meaning and intent of their message. An example is seen in the words of the Constitution of the United States of America. The words had to be exact and precise in order for the document to endure as the foundation of a country and society. If this is true of a man made document for a country, how much more meaningful are the Words used in the Bible.

In the Word of God, the Holy Scriptures, when God speaks through the Prophets and Apostles the very words He uses are packed with meaning and significance. In light of using and understanding the words we choose, I want to address the importance of ‘ongoing disclosure’ and its significance for us today.

Let’s first examine the meaning of the word disclosure.

1. To uncover; to open; to remove a cover from, and lay open to view.
2. To discover; to lay open to view; to bring to light.
3. To reveal by words; to tell; to utter; as, to disclose the thoughts of the heart.
4. To make known; to show in any manner.
5. To open; to hatch.

American Dictionary of the English Language, Noah Webster 1828

Now why would it be important to disclose the thoughts of the heart? Why is it important to live an open life before others? Why can’t some things just remain hidden in the heart?

To answer these questions lets begin by taking a look at the beginning of time (from Genesis ch. 2).

When God spoke into existence all of creation, He made a declaration that it was ‘good.’ What God calls good means excellent ‘ perfect ‘ without flaw! (see Jesus’ conversation about the word ‘good’ with the young man in Mark 10:17 ‘ 18). Yet when He came to the creation of man, He chose not to speak him into existence but said ‘Let us make man in Our image, in Our likeness.’ He took dirt and ‘formed’ man out of it. He ‘breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and he became a living being.’ Wow!

What did this man, Adam, have? God planted a garden and put the man in it. Adam had a ‘good’ place to live. ‘Good’ food to eat. ‘Good’ water to drink. There were four rivers listed running through this garden. This was no acid rain ‘ in fact there was no rain at all at that time. There was no pollution in the water or poison needed to spray for insects on the plants. All food was ‘good’ for the man. Remember, ‘good’ means perfect.

What else did the man have? He had ‘good’ companionship. He talked openly with God. God gave him instructions on how to live in the garden. Apparently it was the custom for God to walk with Adam. He was not afraid.

In fact the only thing that God said of Adam that was ‘not good’ was that he was alone. After naming all the animals, Adam discovered that none would ‘fit.’ Then God took Adam’s rib and ‘fashioned’ (literally the word ‘built’) Eve and brought her to Adam.

There was a perfect relationship between God and man and between Adam and Eve. They apparently walked together in the evening in the garden. Everything was open between them. There was nothing to hide, not emotionally, not mentally, not physically. Everything was ‘good’ in Eden.

Then the temptation and the fall. They ate the forbidden fruit. Their eyes were opened and they saw nakedness! Their first natural (fallen nature) response was to cover and hide. They sewed fig leaves and made loin coverings. They tried to cover themselves from each other. There was no one else around except the animals. Then they heard God walking through the garden for the evening stroll. They now had fear for the first time. Their new natural response was to hide, to close themselves from God and from each other.

When we sin it is no different today than it was with Adam and Eve. We go underground. We bury our actions and thoughts hoping desperately that no one will find us out. Where are your hiding places? In the computer room or into password protected files and places of access that no one must ever go but you? Perhaps it is on the phone with a phone actress? (look up the word actress). Maybe it is a certain area of town or another town when you are traveling.

God did not leave Adam and Eve hiding. He sought them out. He called them out; they were guilty and had to face the consequences i.e. death, cast out of the garden (see Gen 3). What was true for them is certainly true for us. The ‘wages of sin is death’ (Rom.6:23). If I face the penalty of death, we are going to hide! We want life. God intends for us to have life, so much so that He gave His only begotten Son to die in our place. The life that God would have for us is a life open to Him and to others without fear. The debt has been paid in full by Jesus Christ. If your faith and trust is in Him, the debt is paid. You have been declared not guilty and set free. Free to run the race set before you, laying aside every encumbrance (Heb. 12:1) and sin that entangles you.

Secrecy is one of the major factors that keep us in bondage to our sins. Exposing our sins to one who is a trust worthy companion, accountability partner or group keeps us from hiding and covering up with deceit and lies.

Consider if God made us in His image what characteristics should be incorporated in our lives.

John 14: 21 Jesus said:

”and he who loves Me shall be loved by My Father, and I will love him, and will disclose Myself to him.’

Jesus indicates clearly that it is His purpose and desire to be known personally and intimately. Love my Father, I will love him and will disclose Myself to him. Wow! Jesus wants us to have an intimate relationship with Him, to know all about Him. In effect He tells us that He will reveal things previously hidden from your knowledge about Him. This is not just a New Testament concept. God from the beginning of time had a purpose to declare His glory to us. Consider the following from Psalm 19:

‘The heavens are telling of the glory of God;
And their expanse is declaring the work of His hands.
Day to day pours forth speech,
And night to night reveals knowledge.’

God through His creation declares His glory. He desires for you to know Him.

For us to experience the freedom of walking with Him and with others without fear we must live a life of ongoing disclosure. God reveals His glory to everyone in His creation. But when Jesus was talking about disclosing Himself it was only to those who love His Father in Heaven. Thus it is prudent to disclose your life to those who will love and support you. If you don’t have anyone who you could trust, perhaps meet with a trusted pastor or counselor.

Remember covering and hiding were the original and natural responses of sin. To live freely is to know that we were all dead in our trespasses and sins and were by nature children of wrath (Eph. 2), BUT GOD! being rich in mercy, made us ALIVE!

Being alive is not to live a life of secrecy and bondage under cover. We were intended to be like Him, for His glory.

For more help on this subject, please see Every Man’s Battle.
For more helpful resources for men click here.

Craig Boden