Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 6

New Life Ministries

Your wife can be your ‘comrade in arms’ if she understands the battle for sexual purity and the road you have chosen for sexual integrity. Because male sexual impurity can be unsettling, even shocking, to women, we’ve included this section of interviews with women regarding Every Man’s Battle to give you awareness of how to relate better to your wife and communicate with her in your struggle to be and stay free. Be aware there’s a natural tug-of-war in the hearts of women between pity and disgust, between mercy and judgment.

The Wife’s Role of Cherishing

Cherishing appears in many ways.
One of the simplest we heard was from Frances, who said, ‘I’m always thrilled to see my hubby, even when he’s far across the church.’

Deena said, ‘I’m trying very hard to speak only good things of him and to build him up. I’m trying not to cut him down even when joking, being sure to consider his feelings as much as my own these days.’

Brenda said, ‘Cherishing often manifests itself in simple, daily things more than big romantic things. Things like doing my jobs at home and cutting finances when necessary. It should also show in my obvious desire to be with Fred all the time.’

These daily acts create feelings of cherishing and tenderness, but comparison can tear out a man’s heart. Guys compare the neighborhoods they live in, the cars they drive, the people they socialize with, and the families they come from. Many men struggle with this to some degree, but most will never reveal this side of themselves to their wives, even when asked. They feel trapped by their fate.

It isn’t what part of town we live in that decides our fate in the end. Generally, that’s something we can’t control. What we can control is how much hope we give to our spouse. What a husband needs is someone to look deeply into his eyes to remind him that his wife loves him and God loves him.

When Ellen told her husband that she is content to live on the income he has provided without complaint or comparison, he was fulfilled. To Ellen, that essence is priceless. ‘My goal in life, next to loving and obeying God, has been to love and learn about my husband and to help him be fulfilled and to enjoy living life together.’

If Brenda compared Fred to some of her high-school peers, she would find that he’s doing quite well. If she financially compared him to the folks at church, she would probably find her family somewhere in the middle. If she compared him to his Stanford peers, he’d probably rank as a scraggly, underachieving dog. But that’s how comparison works. It’s relative and, therefore, unreliable.

Who cares anyway? ‘The essential thing I owe Fred is faithfulness and trustworthiness,’ she said. ‘No one else in his life has proven completely true in these areas. I’m absolutely committed that although we may differ sometimes, I’ll always be faithful to him. I will stay his one and only.’

Brenda respects what she’s found and treats the weak spots tenderly. When she’s cherishing him like this, it becomes easy for Fred to cherish her in return.

After attending Every Man’s Battle, we strongly encourage you to attend our marriage program at our New Life Weekend
This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of
impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she
still may have.


Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 7

The Wife of an EMB Attendee

Notes From The Wife of a Sexually Sinful Husband

Suffering has its purpose. As I read though the miracles of Jesus I have found that suffering has its purpose. Suffering may: bring about repentance, be a witness of faith to others while in the midst of it, be a witness when delivered from trial, or bring about a softened and contrite heart -thereby drawing the sufferer closer to God.

Why, I ask myself, would God leave me in the midst of a very painful
marriage? A marriage riddled with detestable sexual sins that have consumed the man I love. Several answers come to mind. Perhaps I am there to be a witness and reminder of God’s love. My husband needs my spiritual insights and support. I say this without pride because only God gives me this.

Perhaps I have been made by my uniqueness and by my experiences (especially the sexual ones) the one to impart God’s wisdom and reminders of God’s forgiveness and power. Who better than a molested child, a rape victim, and a person who has gone through a divorce because of sexual sin, to stand beside her husband in these hours, days and years of his greatest need. Perhaps by knowing the pain of a victim I can help him understand the consequences of such sexual sins. Being a member of a family of victims also gives me intimate knowledge of sexual sin and the power it has over you and the sense of hopelessness the sinner feels. Yes I feel the excruciating pain his sins impart more acutely than those who have not suffered these atrocities, but this same pain empowers me with knowledge and empathy.

Second and by far not the least, is the benefits I might receive from this trial. That through this trial, I am now devoid of my own strength and ability to forgive. What choice do I have but to draw on Christ’s power and forgiveness! Perhaps only by this trial, I will realize in whom my faith, self-esteem and power lies. Do I hold my relationship with my husband in a higher position than that of God’s relationship? Does being married to a “sexually normal” husband mean more than being in a relationship with God? How much pain and energy have I consumed over these sexual sins? Much more than was healthy, I have despaired to the point of wanting to end my life. What opportunities have I lost: times to grow spiritually, times to minister to my husband, and times when Christ could have shown through me. Where is my faith in answered prayers or in God’s wisdom if he chooses to not answer those prayers? For 24 years I have prayed for God to heal my husband of his sexual sins. Perhaps never in my or his lifetime will this trial be over, does that mean there was no purposes or that God has abandoned me? I may be overcome with pain and hopelessness at times, but my God loves me, in this I am sure. Would I know God so deeply, be able to hear His voice so clearly and seek Him so fervently if I had not gone through this trial! What treasures of leaning on Him and learning of Him do I have yet to find if this trial continues? Oh, that I might find some hope and joy in this, when I am overwhelmed.

So I continue to pray:

That God will heal my husband, give him the strength to avoid temptations,
draw him closer and give him peace in forgiveness.
That God will restore our marriage: that it can be based on love,
self-sacrifice, and honesty.
That my husband might find his sexual satisfaction in me,
that I may find strength and peace even in the midst of this sin.
That I might grow in the knowledge of God and understand His ways.
And that I might reflect Godliness while in the trials that my husband and I go through.

After attending Every Man’s Battle, we strongly encourage you to attend our marriage program at our New Life Weekend
This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of
impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she
still may have.


Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 9

The Wife of an EMB Attendee

I just spoke to you (you are currently at the Every Man’s Battle workshop) and you requested that I share some of the effect your sexual addition has had on me. This may be hard for you to hear, I will try to be honest and I will try to not exaggerate. I want you to realize I am not trying to hurt you, although I am sure it will hurt; to hear what I feel, think and what your behavior has done to me and our children.

1. First and most painful is my loss of PHYSICAL/SEXUAL SELF ESTEEM. I feel in some ways you deceived me before we married. I thought your lack of sexual desire for me before we were married was because you didn’t want to sin by having sex with me. The truth was that this was an established sexual sin in your life that you did not plan on giving up. Yet, sexual intercourse is one of the things that married couples look the most forward to. I was not prepared for this and I was blown away by your rejection that started even during our honeymoon.

Physically I feel repulsive. I am ashamed to have you look at me naked. I feel ugly and fat. I feel I can NEVER NEVER become an object of desire for you. The truth is I have felt this way for many years of our marriage. Long before I gained my weight. My weight was my excuse I created so I would have a reason for you to reject me. To reject me because I am fat was less painful than being attractive and still not being desired. Your lack of willingness to make love in the daytime or with the lights on only feeds this rejection. I have stopped dressing in sexy nightgowns because I feel it wouldn’t make a difference. It isn’t that I think that fat women can not be attractive or even sexy. I know I can be sexy even as I am – but I feel I will NEVER be sexy to you! I feel like I am asking you to do a chore like scrubbing a toilet (totally disgusting) any time I ask you to make love to me or touch me sexually. I feel guilty, like my need for sex is a burden that you hate to bear. Often when we are done, giving ME sex, I feel more hurt emotionally than I did before. Why? because it is so mechanical and one sided. Usually and in the past you tended to do the bare minimum. No kissing, definitely no talking, or moaning or even smiling. You keep you eyes shut the whole time; like your thinking of someone else or anything else as long as it isn’t me. I have asked for french kissing our whole marriage but to this day you avoid it. Our kissing is mostly picking, rarely does it involve putting your arms around me or caressing my body. I love to be kissed on the neck! Just thought I’d remind you! How about kissing my body. Looking at my sexual areas instead of avoiding them. You have looked at me 3 times in 24 years of marriage, and only because I requested it! I have counted, maybe that was stupid, but it hurts me so much, to be that unattractive to you. It was an everyday event in my first
marriage and I have such a hard time understanding why I am so repulsive to you, yet you can look a pictures of other women and that turns you on.

Sorry if this is getting intense, I guess the pain is just pouring out of me. You see I really was a good lover before you; I felt like a woman, like I was beautiful and sexy. You have taken all that away from me. Words will be helpful but the only things that can even begin to help the healing is going to be PHYSICAL CONTACT/SEXUAL CONTACT. Consistent and often. You need to take the risk to give me the type of love and physical affection I desire and need. It would be really nice if I could feel that someday it was genuine desire on your part, but that will take some time. I need for you to communicate about YOUR sexual needs. I feel totally useless trying to touch you. I don’t know what to do, how fast, harder, slower… you need to teach me and interact with me. You prefer masturbation by yourself, you don’t even care if I touch or see you when we are in bed together. Only my physical needs get met and that makes me feel guilty, unloved, useless, ugly and angry.

2. Second and just as important is what your sin has done to me SPIRITUALLY. I know that my depression and obsession with wanting to heal you and the pain your sin caused, has stunted me spiritually. When I chose you for my husband I was very careful to choose a man who knew and love God. A man who I could lead me and walk beside me as I tried to become more Christ-like. Whether it was as a couple or as a parent, I always felt that I was pulling you along, many times unwillingly, to do Bible Study, ministry, attend helpful seminars, read a book, do family devotions… I don’t want to be the spiritual leader in our home! I want you to be. But because of the constant guilt and sin in your life you had a hard time staying close to God. I suffered and the kids suffered because of it! Yes I am responsible for my own faith and in many ways I have gone on without you. Even the pain of your sin has made me grow in my faith, but how much more would we had grown individual, as a couple and as a family had you not had this addiction! I have 40 years more (if I am lucky) to reach people for Christ, to show God how much I love him and to grow in my knowledge of Him. I would like to do this together. I have great respect for your knowledge and you have good insight and you must agree that I sometimes have some Biblical wisdom – how much easier would it be if we could walk down this road together, hand in hand. We have wasted so much time and I feel I have so much I want to learn and do for Christ. Lets stop wasting our time do the trivial things, constant TV (mostly my fault), lack of self-discipline and everything else in this busy world that causes us to focus on the instant gratification or the urgent but not the most important.

3. The third things that your addiction has done to me is change my personality and my behavior. I was not always this ANGRY. I think I was a pretty happy person before all of this. Habitual sin and a lack of repentance has made me angry. I still am angry. I will be for some time. I have forgiven you and I am dealing with the anger when it comes up, but until some of the hole in my heart is filled with real love from you I am afraid that anger is going to still flair up. I have always had some DEPRESSION in my life because of my father, mother and divorce from my X. But no one, no one, has depressed me more than you have. Living with you this past 24 years had made me feel useless, meaningless and unlovable. In the height of your addiction you would avoid me like I was a disease. I became so AFRAID of your presence that the mere touch of your hand on mine brought me great fear; I became sensitized to you hurting me.

This has got to be very hard on you and if you need to stop and take a break please do so. I don’t want you to be overwhelmed with pain and despair. But it is important you know the truth, so I am going to go on.

4. Your sin caused ME TO SIN. You became a stumbling block. I am not trying to make excuses and I definitely made the choice to sin, but often that choice was made because I was either sexually and emotionally unfulfilled or was angry at you. Whether it was my SEXUAL FANTASIES or my DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR TOWARD YOU; almost always these were the backlash caused by your addiction. I came into this marriage with a strong sexual desire toward you and I still want sex with you even after all these years of pain. However it became too painful to think of you during sex because I knew you really didn’t want to be there; it was less painful to think of someone else. Likewise, I did not come into this marriage not respecting you. I was very proud of you, your character and your abilities. You are a very intelligent person and have some great qualities. Your sexual sin and lack of control and LACK OF DESIRE TO CHANGE that behavior, made me lose respect for you… so I began to treat you like a child or treat you with disrespect. I am not saying that my behavior was justified but only that your sexual sin was the main reason I lost respect for you. I hope you also realize that this respect can be regained. And you have been doing a great job trying to pull everything back to where it should be. My respect and wiliness to be submissive to you grows with each new day.

5. Your sexual sin and the impact it has had on our children. This is the most painful of them all. I am willing to bear the pain of my marriage but it is really hard when I see your sin and how it has impacted our children. This one is going to be hard for you to hear.

Our Son – I feel in several ways you failed to show your son what a real man is suppose to be. He was searching for a role model. How do I love a woman? How do I handle sexual temptations? What should I look for in a woman? How should I communicate with a woman? Am I a man, what does that mean? All these questions were left with fussy answers. He and our daughter knew you were into porn. They knew we had marriage problems, they saw me crying often enough. Why didn’t Dad grab mom once in a while and act like he wanted her? Why doesn’t Dad stand up and express his opinions? Why does Dad stay away and hide in the basement so much? Are my parents going to get a divorce? All these questions must have gone through his mind. Now I know that our son made his own choices when he chose to sin sexually with his girlfriends, even to the point of living with his current fianc’, but might he have chosen differently if he had had a father who handled his sexual needs biblically? All I can say is we can make a difference from this point on in his life. You have the chance to answer those questions even now. You can still be a role model of what Biblical sexuality is and a Biblical marriage. I think you need to take an active part in answering these questions and discussing this with him.

Our Daughter – This one is hard. Hard because the effect is more subtle but not any less severe. I think she has a hard time being intimate, especially physically even though they are newly weds. She has seen a lot of my pain and I am sure she had been thinking: I will never let myself be that vulnerable. I love him, but… I am going to protect myself. I pray our daughter will know what it is to love unconditionally. To love and be self-less, thinking of her husbands needs and not her own. The example we set as a couple, in our lack of communication, our dysfunctional sex life, weak faith and so on, will definitely have an effect on our children’s interactions with their mates. If only we had learn what we know now 20 years ago! I also think it is going to take time to earn back your children’s respect. I feel the more you share about your problem and it’s successes the more respect you will earn.

Another area was your unwillingness to disciple the kids. You even spoke of it tonight in our conversation, and felt your sexual sin had changed your personality and you had retreated and were not the father you could have been. Whether it was discipline or having fun, sometimes you just avoided the kids. I think you were too caught up in yourself; whether selfishly fulfilling your needs, or feeling so much guilt that you just tuned out of their lives. Well we have lost those years, we can’t go back and discipline the kids but we can give advise and we can have fun and be encouragers to them. I can tell that you and your son’s relationship has really grown over the last month, I think in time both of the kids will get to know the REAL YOU and really have a richer life because of it. Sexual sin can be devastating; you have a chance to show them that the power of God can overcome anything. That is one of the most important lessons in life that you could teach them.

That’s all I am going to write. I have shot from the heart and exposed some pretty raw stuff. But I felt it was important for you to know the truth. It is hard to take correction, to look at the pain you have inflicted on others. I am so proud of you, that you are willing to listen and then try to change. Going to this conference has really proven to me you are sincerely desiring to change. That takes a very strong man, a very Godly man to take that step. I love you very much, I love the man you are right now (not just the man I hope you will become). I look so forward to us growing closer together.

Your loving wife.

After attending Every Man’s Battle, we strongly encourage you to attend our marriage program at our New Life Weekend
This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of
impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she
still may have.