Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle

Kent Ernsting

I was smitten from my first sight of him. The first time I held my newborn son in my hands the tears began to well up in my eyes. A deep sense of love enveloped me when I looked into his amazing eyes. I loved that little guy with everything within me. I thanked God for him and I pledged him back to God from that moment. I was struck with the tremendous stewardship responsibility that I now had, to raise him to become a godly young man. I knew that I could not complete that task without God’s help and the help of many others along the way.

Now he’s 14 years old, stands 5’8′ tall, and he’s strong enough to fold me into a pretzel. He routinely aces me on the tennis court. He’s a fullback on his freshman soccer team and he feels responsible for every ball that an opponent gets past him and into the net. He’s smart and brave and he wants to show others that he has what it takes to be a man. I will probably not know if I have successfully completed my task of parenting him until he is in his thirties. The indicator will be whether or not he is living a God -honoring life and rearing godly children.

I don’t know about you, but the challenge of shepherding my son through his young adult years with purity as the goal has been a daunting one for me. How can I talk to him about purity when my own sexuality has been complicated? I have had to deal with my own issues on the subject. We all know intuitively that we need to be the one talking to our kids about sex, but how do we do it?

I am an imperfect parent, but I want to pass along some tips and strategies that I have learned from others and have used with my son.

The first is the principle that RELATIONSHIPS COME FIRST. As long as I keep the relationship that I have with my son strong, then he will be willing to receive guidance and coaching from me. As Josh McDowell says, RULES WITHOUT RELATIONSHIP LEADS TO REBELLION.

I look for ways to spend time with him. Relationship growth occurs when we do things together like going to his games, working together on projects, playing pool with him, and taking him camping with me. It helps me to relate to my son and for my son to relate to me. Relationships are what life is all about.

I want him to know deeply and intimately how to connect with another person in a life-long committed relationship. I want him to experience it first in our father/son relationship. Eventually he will transfer that into a relationship with his wife.

Sex education is really not so much a matter of providing information as it is a matter of deliberate character formation. The first messages are the most potent; it is far more powerful to form a child’s view of sexuality from scratch than it is to correct the distortions the child will pick up in the world. This is a concept that I picked up from a very helpful book by Stanton and Brenna Jones, entitled How & When to Tell Your Kids About Sex. In fact, it was their book that gave me what I needed to know and say to my son when we had our first ‘key talk’ in a local restaurant. After I finished my explanation he asked, ‘Dad, do you eat that green stuff?’ as he pointed to the parsley on my plate.

I took my son camping for a weekend before he entered junior high school. Together we listened to the ‘Preparing for Adolescence’ tapes by James Dobson and we talked about the content of the tapes. Between disc golf and fishing we discussed what would be happening to him in the coming years.

We spent a weekend at a sexual abstinence until marriage conference interacting with various speakers, presentations and youth events. We went to a Promise Keeper rally for youth where the message o purity was presented through music, worship, extreme sports, speakers, and multimedia.

I take him to church regularly and help him plug in with youth groups and their events. Now he is attending Young Life where the message of purity will be reinforced. I want him to know about redemption when he stumbles and about the love of his creator sustaining him throughout his life.

Look for opportunities that will challenge both you and your son such as rock climbing, rappelling, or canoeing. Bathe your son and his future wife in prayer. Let’s talk about how it turns out when our sons are in their thirties.

Please see Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle.

Thoughts on Joy in Recovery

Mark Verkler

“Short is the joy that guilty pleasure brings.”
‘ Euripides (484 BC – 406 BC)

“Joy is not a substitute for sex, sex is very often a substitute for joy.”
‘ C.S. Lewis (1898 – 1963)

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!
We find in Galations 5:22, that Joy is the second fruit of the spirit. It is high on the list of ‘fruit’ that clearly comes from heaven, through the Holy Spirit and to us.

Let’s look at the definition of Joy:

The passion or emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good; pleasurable feelings or emotions caused by success, good fortune, and the like, or by a rational prospect of possessing what we love or desire; gladness; exhilaration of spirits; delight.

Joy is a delight of the mind, from the consideration of the present or assured approaching possession of a good.” ‘ John Locke (1632 – 1704)

Look at a significant part of joy’meditation, consideration, and expectation of future good. This is at the heart of Joy. Not simply a delight that is happening now’though I may rejoice about the present’but, significantly, the prospect and expectation of future good. To overcome the temptation of today, and to enjoy today, I must focus on: the joy that will come tomorrow by saying no to that sin; the joy that will come from all the good that God has for me today and in the future.

We find in Hebrews the power and need for joy for endurance and overcoming. Of Jesus we read ‘Who, for the joy that was set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame.’ Hebrews 12:2

What are some of the good things that will ‘come tomorrow’ if I say no to sin today? Some things we find from scripture are: reward in heaven, good reputation, clear conscience, peace that comes from not having the fear of being caught.

Another vital part of Joy in Recovery is about coming to the end of my own strength and coming to the beginning of God’s strength. As long as I focus only on what I can do, arrange or manipulate, I can have no lasting joy. When I come to the end of my strength I am at the beginning of God’s.

In 1 Corinthians 12:9 the Lord told Paul that ‘My grace (God’s) is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore I (Paul) will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may overshadow me.’

I think it seems strange on the surface to consider that I would ‘glory’ in my weakness. However, as I look closer at this I realize that the ‘glory’ is not about me, but about my absolute need for the Lord’s strength and power. As I embrace and acknowledge my weakness I naturally begin to look for strength and power from another source. As the power of Christ ‘overshadows’ me, I begin to find the joy that I could not find while looking to my own strength or my own prospects for the future.

And in James 1:2 we find that James exhorts us to ‘count it joy’ when we fall into temptations. He tells us the trying of our faith works patience. This prospect of giving thanks or rejoicing with temptations seems difficult if not impossible. We must do this by faith and not according to our emotions. The joy seems to be about the good that it will bring to me as I overcome in the strength of the Lord and about the God who is sovereign over all my life and circumstances. I can count that joy.

In Nehemiah 8:10 we find the exhortation that ‘the joy of the Lord is your strength.’ I pray that the Joy of the Lord will be your strength and my strength today and from this day on.

“The joy of a spirit is the measure of its power.” ‘ Ninon de Lenclos (1620 – 1705)

Hot Under the Collar: A Godly Response to Anger

Jeff McVay

We have all been there at one point in our lives or another. Our spouse, kids, boss, neighbor, or friend does or says something that upsets us and all of a sudden we feel the pressure begin to build. Your shirt starts to feel tight around the collar, like the dry cleaner put too much starch on it. Heat builds up around the ears and you feel your face begin to flush. As you continue to think about the action or what was said it increases. Your heart pounds and life begins to go in slow motion. You can almost hear NASA control…T minus 10, 9, 8.

What you do or say at this moment may affect the next few minutes, hours, days or even years. What usually happens for you? Do you go into “silent treatment” mode? Do you escape onto the highways and freeways in pursuit of your NASCAR fantasies? Or do you explode with a tirade of intimidating words or actions in a vain attempt to control the situation? Regardless of the action the result is distance, danger and damage none of which bring back the closeness or safety that we all hope for in our relationships.

Have you ever wondered what God thinks about anger and how we should respond to it? Maybe you are wondering what God expects of you when it comes to your angry feelings towards others. You may have searched the Bible for answers and have finished with more questions than you started with. Be assured that you are in good company and your questions are valid and understandable. The Bible makes a few things clear when it comes to talking about anger. It lets us know that anger, is a feeling is God created and is not a sin, but anger is a slippery slope that can lead us to sinful action.

As Christians we believe that God created all things even human emotion of which anger is one. Believe it or not, anger does serve a purpose for each individual. It is not a pleasant emotion but it is one that can be useful. I like to compare it to pain. Pain is not very fun to feel but if we did not have it we would not know to move our hand off the hot burner or our bodies out of harmful situations. Anger is an emotion that comes up as a reaction to someone interfering or placing limits upon our will. If the limit is an unjust one such as slavery, racism or sexism then that anger gives us the motivation to make a positive change. Dr. Richard P. Walters defines this positive use of anger as indignation. Indignation as a response to our natural anger at injustice is a good, non sinful, God created, emotion that can be used for bettering things here on earth. Once the injustice is corrected the emotion drops off much like pain once the healing from the hurt has occurred.

However, the Bible also recognizes that anger can be held onto and even fostered within us to the point that it leads us into sin very quickly. Therefore it gives us a great guideline for how to deal with anger so that it leads us through the feelings and back into relationship with those whom we are angry. Ephesians 4:25-27 tells us:

‘So then, putting away falsehood let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another. Be angry, but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not make room for the adversary.’

This scripture gives us a great strategy for dealing with our anger in a Godly manner.

In it we are told that there are appropriate times to be angry. In the original language, this word for anger is in the imperative meaning that it is a command. This means that in those appropriate times we are commanded to be angry. But it holds in tension that the anger must be expressed in a way that is not sinful or destructive to the person who is angry or to the group or individual with whom we are angry.

How do we do this?

The first and last verses give us great examples. The prior verse says that we must put away falsehood and speak the truth. This gives two guidelines. First, it reminds us that we must not say false things about the one with whom we are angry. Often when we are angry with someone we say things about him or her that are not true. In our explosiveness we may degrade, insult or attack who they are. This often leads to further anger and hostility on their part and most of the time we wind up regretting what we have said about them.

Secondly, it tells us that we must speak the truth. This means that we must speak truthfully to the one we are angry with about how we are feeling and how the action they have taken has wounded us. We are allowed and even expected to say to the one who is offending that their action has a consequence in our lives and because we are ‘members of one another’ it has a consequence for them as well. Only then can we come to a resolution.

The last verse then prompts us to come to a resolution quickly. Hopefully it can be resolved within the day and we are urged to try to make it so. Otherwise we give our anger a foothold that can be used to break down our relationships instead of building them up.

This does not mean that we cannot take a ‘time out’ to gain control of our anger and frustration so that we can put away falsehood, speak the truth and do so in a timely manner. In fact sometimes we must have this space in order to allow ourselves to calm down and process what we must say. If this is the case for you, a great strategy is to tell the other that you must have some time to think and give them a set time that you will be back to talk about what has happened. Then you must follow through with what you have said.

One of the great ways to speak the truth about your feelings and stay away from falsehoods is to use the following formula when speaking to the one with whom you are angry. The formula is as follows:

‘I feel (state your feeling) when you said or did (state the action or words that were spoken that brought up the feeling) because (state the message that you received from the action or words) and what I need or want from you is (state what it is that you think will fix things in the relationship).’

This simple statement can help you formulate what you want to say in order to make things right in a timely manner. It causes us to be responsible for our feelings instead of the other’s behavior (which we cannot control anyway). Then we state why it hurt us and what we think will help mend the relationship. It is not easy to do but with practice this simple formula can help us follow scripture’s advice concerning anger.

For some of us, anger has been around for so long that we may need to enlist the help of others (pastor or therapist) to help us learn this method. Yet if we commit ourselves to working out our anger in a Godly manner we will find that we are blessed with relationships that enrich and nourish our lives with the goodness that God has for us.

For some help with anger call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. A ministry service representative can help you set an appointment with a Christian counselor or connect you with a Christian coach.
Also, please prayerfully consider joining us at our next New Life Weekend.