Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 8

The Wife of an EMB Attendee

Bearing The Pain of my Husbands Sexual Sin

Today I was overwhelmed with despair. The multitude of failed attempts to overcome his sins, the vastness of the temptations that surround him, how could I ever trust him, find any peace or live with a man who would most likely continue to fail me. Tears flooding, strength zapped. What was God trying to teach me? What good was I doing in my current state? I was not a witness of Christ’s love or strength, and definitely not of His forgiveness!

Yet my sorrow must have a lesson for me, what am I not learning?

“I bore all this pain, this despair” I heard Christ whispering in my ear. “I already have felt your grief, your hopelessness – why do you wish to bear it too?” “I not only felt and suffered for your husband’s sins but also suffered the ramifications it has had on you?” “Do you hear me, are you listening?” “Give me your suffering, I can bear it, for I already have, Jesus said to me.” “Do not take on this burden, for it is not yours to bear.”

I could barely grasp what God was saying. Was he telling me I didn’t need to suffer the consequence of my husband’s sins? How far, how many of these consequences would Christ take-on for me, (literally remove from me); my sense of abandonment & despair, my poor self-esteem, my loss of power and peace?

I had always known that God took away my sins and could give me joy when my sins were forgiven. But this was different. Could he take on the aftermath: the pain, humiliation, and despondence that I was suffering from my husband’s sins?

Why wouldn’t He, I asked myself? Do I deserve this? Is this my lot in life for making poor choices? No! No! I heard screaming in my heart, God wants me to be at peace in all circumstances.

DO YOU KNOW SO LITTLE ABOUT MY LOVE, Jesus said? Did I abandon Daniel in the lion’s den? Did I not comfort Paul when he was in prison? Was I not there when Saul pursued David and sought to kill him? God wants to comfort me! God wants to bear my agony! God wants to give me hope when I feel hopeless!

Is it pride or ignorance, I asked Jesus? Has pride or a lack of knowing who you are kept me from this truth? I must continually dwell on your sacrificial love. I must seek with my whole heart, mind and soul to know you better, as if it were the very air I breathe, the substance that keeps me alive. For you my God, are my substance, my only source for true peace.

Oh, how the devil wishes to keep me down, keep me from knowing you fully! What sufferings have I bore needlessly!

How do I claim this prize, this peace, Jesus? It is so vast and hard to comprehend; can I retain it, draw from its power when I am feeling desperate? Help me God, I don’t even know what powers you have for me to use, let alone know how to use them! Don’t let me forget this lesson; that YOU, JESUS, WANT TO BEAR MY PAIN WHEN OTHERS HURT ME, AND REPLACE IT WITH YOUR PEACE AND POWER!

Men, after attending Every Man’s Battle, we strongly encourage you to attend our marriage program at our New Life Weekend
This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of
impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she
still may have.


Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 7

The Wife of an EMB Attendee

Notes From The Wife of a Sexually Sinful Husband

Suffering has its purpose. As I read though the miracles of Jesus I have found that suffering has its purpose. Suffering may: bring about repentance, be a witness of faith to others while in the midst of it, be a witness when delivered from trial, or bring about a softened and contrite heart -thereby drawing the sufferer closer to God.

Why, I ask myself, would God leave me in the midst of a very painful
marriage? A marriage riddled with detestable sexual sins that have consumed the man I love. Several answers come to mind. Perhaps I am there to be a witness and reminder of God’s love. My husband needs my spiritual insights and support. I say this without pride because only God gives me this.

Perhaps I have been made by my uniqueness and by my experiences (especially the sexual ones) the one to impart God’s wisdom and reminders of God’s forgiveness and power. Who better than a molested child, a rape victim, and a person who has gone through a divorce because of sexual sin, to stand beside her husband in these hours, days and years of his greatest need. Perhaps by knowing the pain of a victim I can help him understand the consequences of such sexual sins. Being a member of a family of victims also gives me intimate knowledge of sexual sin and the power it has over you and the sense of hopelessness the sinner feels. Yes I feel the excruciating pain his sins impart more acutely than those who have not suffered these atrocities, but this same pain empowers me with knowledge and empathy.

Second and by far not the least, is the benefits I might receive from this trial. That through this trial, I am now devoid of my own strength and ability to forgive. What choice do I have but to draw on Christ’s power and forgiveness! Perhaps only by this trial, I will realize in whom my faith, self-esteem and power lies. Do I hold my relationship with my husband in a higher position than that of God’s relationship? Does being married to a “sexually normal” husband mean more than being in a relationship with God? How much pain and energy have I consumed over these sexual sins? Much more than was healthy, I have despaired to the point of wanting to end my life. What opportunities have I lost: times to grow spiritually, times to minister to my husband, and times when Christ could have shown through me. Where is my faith in answered prayers or in God’s wisdom if he chooses to not answer those prayers? For 24 years I have prayed for God to heal my husband of his sexual sins. Perhaps never in my or his lifetime will this trial be over, does that mean there was no purposes or that God has abandoned me? I may be overcome with pain and hopelessness at times, but my God loves me, in this I am sure. Would I know God so deeply, be able to hear His voice so clearly and seek Him so fervently if I had not gone through this trial! What treasures of leaning on Him and learning of Him do I have yet to find if this trial continues? Oh, that I might find some hope and joy in this, when I am overwhelmed.

So I continue to pray:

That God will heal my husband, give him the strength to avoid temptations,
draw him closer and give him peace in forgiveness.
That God will restore our marriage: that it can be based on love,
self-sacrifice, and honesty.
That my husband might find his sexual satisfaction in me,
that I may find strength and peace even in the midst of this sin.
That I might grow in the knowledge of God and understand His ways.
And that I might reflect Godliness while in the trials that my husband and I go through.

After attending Every Man’s Battle, we strongly encourage you to attend our marriage program at our New Life Weekend
This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of
impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she
still may have.


Christmas Hope

Rebecca J. Wever

Christmas-time is often a time when people feel hopeful. As followers of Jesus Christ we are reminded that our Savior was sent to earth as an innocent little baby for us, each one of us. But sometimes even though we have hope in things that are eternal we may still feel hopeless when it comes to the things of this world. Being on the road to sexual purity, and more specifically, restoring a wounded or broken marriage can sometimes feel hopeless.

As the wife of a recovering sex addict I want to give you hope. Many of you have heard David Wever’s story of his fall to sexual sin and the damage it did to both him and our marriage. I was a woman who was stung by betrayal, a woman who completely lost trust in her husband. I remember the days when I couldn’t see past my pain to a day when we would have a good relationship, or even better, a healthy marriage.

As David and I are in contact with couples through the Every Couple’s Desire Conference the thing I hear most from the men is, ‘She’s stuck.’ However, it may not be so much that she is stuck but more that she hasn’t begun to heal. The most wonderful gift I ever received was the gift of healing. As I began to heal and to face both the betrayal and myself in light of the betrayal, I was able to start to move back towards David and the issues that brought us to the place we were. Unfortunately, you can’t heal for her, you can’t make it happen faster and you can’t demand that she does it.

I found that healing can happen as three components come in to place.

First, you must adhere to your battle plan. Your wife will watch you to see if you are for real. She wants to trust you but she won’t allow her heart to be hurt that way again. You have to show her you are going to follow through with the things you say. Meet with your accountability partner, disconnect cable, put a filter on your computer, let you finances be open for her to see, and don’t be defensive when she needs to ask questions or express her feelings. I still ask David questions or express fear or pain – it’s not a one time discussion.

Second, she will need to work through her pain, wounds and issues on her own. She may need individual therapy or a mentor to talk with. Give her the freedom to seek healthy and supportive relationships to do this. Just as it is important for you to have relationships to keep you accountable and strong in the battle she will also need relationships for support and strength.

And third, healing will only happen through the Holy Name of Jesus Christ. Acts 3:16 says, ‘By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him…‘ Your wife will begin to heal, or grow stronger, as you both surrender to Jesus Christ.

Pray for her daily. Pray for her healing, her pain, her wounds and her anger. Surrender your wife to your Heavenly Father. Here is the hopeful part’I am a woman who lost any hope for a happy, healthy marriage. I am a woman who never thought her husband could love her enough to be sexually pure. I am a woman who never dared to hope for anything better. But, I am a woman who is living all those things today.

Our Father in Heaven is amazing and He wants for your marriage to be healthy and holy and wonderful just as much as He wants it for David and me. So if things feel hopeless for you this holiday season, as you remember the little baby Jesus, I pray you will find new hope, not only in the things eternal but also in the things of this world.