Reality Sets In

Wes Mason

This past weekend I helped teach junior high boys at our church’s Disciple Now weekend. The group was made up of kids of all shapes, sizes, and levels of maturity, but all sharing the awkwardness common to the age and matching bright yellow t-shirts that bore the retreat’s theme in big, black letters across the chest: Reality Sets In. These young men were challenged to respond to the reality that they needed God in their lives. For many of them this reality apparently did set in, as several of them accepted Christ during the retreat.

As the retreat progressed my thoughts strayed to another group of men more than a thousand miles away. At that same time 74 men were gathered in the Washington, DC area for our monthly Every Man’s Battle workshop, having traveled from more than a dozen states and as far away as France and Russia. It occurred to me that some of these men may have also made their decision to accept Christ way back in junior high, just like these retreat kids. But now they were challenged to respond to a new reality they were facing. It was a sobering thought. These young guys at a retreat in Melissa, Texas have no idea the kinds of struggles that may be headed their way in the years ahead; these men in Washington probably could not have imagined when they first became a believer that years or decades later they would become so ensnared by sexual temptation.

When it comes to sexual temptation, there isn’t just one reality that sets in, but a series of them; in the workshop we call them crises of truth. As a man moves down the path from small-scale flirtation with sexual temptation to sexual addiction, these realities get more difficult to face; the consequences become less controllable. In this way sexual addiction is like cancer. Most are not terminal, and even the bad ones can often be conquered or managed if caught early enough. If left too long without attention, however, the options to control the outcome become more limited.

So, what do you do when you’re finally serious about working on your sexual integrity and then discover that there are consequences to your past actions that don’t easily erase? Maybe you’ve done all the right things: surrendered, disclosed, gotten into a program, taken actions to make amends, and gotten an accountability partner. You felt the freedom that comes from finally seeing the burden of your secrets lifted. You had reached the darkness at the bottom and are on your way up and out. Unlike your failed attempts in the past, which had an action plan consisting of willpower alone, this time you’re taking this seriously and you’re finding success. Nice feeling.

But it’s at this point, when the battle’s momentum seems to finally be turning your way, that you may face one of the most difficult realities and least nice feelings of all: the consequences of that past behavior. Sexual sin damages relationships most of all, so it is not surprising that relationship repair is one of the most difficult steps in the road to recovery. How do you face this reality and repair the damage to these relationships? Here are some ideas on how to start with the two most affected relationships a man in this situation faces: with God, and with his wife

Relationship to God: We are fortunate that God has a long history of restoring broken relationships. He is well-practiced at it after interacting with us over an entire human history filled with our failings. Our failures, no matter how serious, do not shock God. He is also committed to relationship restoration, going so far as to send his Son to the cross to demonstrate that commitment. We see the historical examples of men who have fallen much further than we have, such as David, who was restored to be a man after God’s own heart. We relate intimately to the words of the apostle Paul in which he shares his pain with the believers in Rome, where he says,

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do’I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord’Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
In your desire to restore your relationship with God, you have the benefit of God doing much of the work. You have a guarantee from God that if you want to restore the relationship with Him, and take the steps toward restoration mentioned above, restoration is yours. No exceptions, no concern that God will reject your repentance and heartfelt commitment to change.

Relationship to Our Wives: Perhaps you’re on that steady path of recovery; you’re action plan is in place, you’re reassured by the knowledge of God’s still loves you and forgives you despite your failings. But your wife isn’t sure she loves or forgives you; worse yet, she may be convinced that she is no longer capable of either. What do you do?

First, it’s important to understand that your wife is not obligated to simply put the past behind her, and isn’t likely to do so, at least not quickly. Worse yet, she may never be able to get over this completely, or at all. Recently on our radio program Steve Arterburn was talking to a caller who was involved with this kind of problem. He asked the caller to go through a mental exercise that is worth sharing. Imagine that you are standing on a floor with your feet together. Draw a line on the floor around your feet, about two feet out. Inside this line is everything in this world you have control over. Talk about reality setting in; you can only control what you do with your recovery, not how someone else responds to it. That small circle of control can make a man feel a bit claustrophobic, especially if he’s the controlling type, a common characteristic of the sex addict.

The good news is that what you do with your recovery is likely to be highly influential in how your wife responds. If she is listening to good counsel, she’ll be giving little attention to your words and a lot of attention to your actions. She needs to see with her own eyes, over time, a man who is living a life of sexual integrity. Very slowly, depending on what she sees in your life, the trust may begin to return.

This slower approach may be difficult to accept, and there may be a temptation to pressure her to come along at your pace, rather than her own. Professional counselors will tell you, however, that if she is too quick to forgive and forget, without resolving her feelings of betrayal, her anger will find its way back into your relationship in less obvious ways.

The challenge for a man who has fallen but now strives for sexual integrity is to demonstrate, over time with consistency, that he is a changed man. If he does that, the reality is that everything else is in God’s hands; not such a bad place to be for a believer, regardless of whatever other consequences may come his way.

If you would like additional help in restoring your marriage, we encourage you to prayerfully consider attending one of our couples groups at our next New Life Weekend.

As Christ Loves the Church

Dave Boyle

No doubt you have heard about all the publicity surrounding the new Mel Gibson movie called ‘The Passion of the Christ.’ Perhaps you have gone to see it yourself. In any event, you probably know that it depicts, in very horrifying and graphic detail, the last twelve hours of Christ, and the emotional and physical turmoil that He went through. The movie shows just how much Jesus suffered and endured to be our sacrifice and die for our sins. Basically, He gave everything He had.

OK, you’re saying, I believe that, and I’m eternally grateful to my Lord, but what does that have to do with where I’m at, as someone who was or is struggling with sexual integrity? Well, the parallel can be found in a verse found in Ephesians chapter 5, verse 25. ‘Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church.’ Too often the next part of the verse is preached on, the part about wives submitting to their husbands, and this verse is ignored. ‘Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.’

One of the basic tenets of recovery is that it is always better to focus on doing something that is positive, rather than not doing something that is negative. The man who says, ‘I’m not going to drink tonight, I’m not going to drink tonight,’ usually ends up drinking that night. The woman who says, ‘I’m not going to eat that ice cream, I’m not going to eat that ice cream,’ usually ends up with at least two scoops. In our terms, telling ourselves repeatedly all day that we’re not going to get on the Internet porn sites after our wives are comfortably tucked away in bed, quite frankly does not work. We end up going there, and experiencing the guilt and the shame and all that goes with it.

‘Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church.’ Go see the ‘Passion of the Christ’ and get in touch with how much Jesus loves the church, which, brother, is you. And then process in your minds and your hearts how you’re going to show your wife that love. It may be something simple like foot rubs. It may be giving up a Saturday to go to the kids games or take her shopping. It may be learning what her favorite flower is and getting her a bouquet. It may be sitting down a couple of times a week and reading ‘Every Woman’s Desire’ together. But if you’re going to love her as Christ loves you, you’re going to have to be prepared to give up everything. But the great thing is, as you emotionally and spiritually attach and bond with her, the power of that false intimacy on the computer screen starts to fade, and the recovery begins. Focus on doing something that is positive, rather than on not doing something that is negative. And if you’re single, this same principle applies. Learn how to relate emotionally and spiritually to other guys, and to women as friends. Loving others, unconditionally and sacrificially, is one of the greatest tools in your recovery arsenal. Don’t be afraid to use it.

What’s the next step after attending Every Man’s Battle? Join us (with your spouse if you’re married) at our next New Life Weekend.

God is Waiting

New Life Ministries

Each one of us has been manipulated by our sexual culture; each of us has made choices to sin. To varying degrees, each of us became ensnared by these choices, but we can overcome this affliction. Far too often, however, we ignore our own responsibility in this. We complain, ‘Well, of course I want to be free from impurity! I’ve been to the altar 433 times about it haven’t I? It just doesn’t seem to be God’s will to free me.’

Not God’s will? That’s an offense to the character of God. Don’t blame God.

God’s will is for you to have sexual purity, though you may not think so since this hasn’t been your constant experience. But He has made a provision for that purity. Listen to these scriptures:


Count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.
Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that
you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body
to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves
to God, as those who have been brought from death to life;
and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of
righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you
are not under law, but under grace.
Romans 6:11-14

You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
Romans 6:18

God is waiting for you. But He is not waiting by the altar, hoping you’ll drop by and talk for a while. He is waiting for you to rise up and engage in the battle. We have power through the Lord to overcome every level of sexual immorality, but if we don’t utilize that power, we’ll never break free of the habit.

You see, sexual impurity isn’t like a tumor growing out of control inside us. We treat it that way when our prayers focus on deliverance, as we plead for someone to come remove it. Actually, sexual impurity is a series of bad decisions on our part ‘ a result of immature character ‘ and deliverance won’t deliver you into instant maturity. Character work needs to be done.

Holiness is not some nebulous thing. It’s a series of right choices. You needn’t wait for some holy cloud to form around you. You’ll be holy when you choose not to sin. You’re already free from the power of sexual immorality; you are not yet free from the habit of sexual immorality, until you choose to be ‘ until you say, ‘That’s enough! I’m choosing to live purely!’

What’s the first step? Attend Every Man’s Battle.