God’s Sense of Humor

G. Mike Clark

Have you ever thought that God has a sense of humor, and this concept correlates in how we relate to our spouse, and He revealed it through His creation of us? When He designed us, God gave us a built-in design in how to relate to our wife. After we recognize the design of the architect, applied as the designer created it, it will work. If damaged over time, because of a sin in our life, it may take time for it to begin to work again, but for us men it will test our patience. We men expect instant acceptance after we ‘fall’, especially in our closest relationships, i.e. our wife, children, to accept our apologies saying, ‘we have changed’ and go on from there.

Fay and I have been married for over 28 years. During those early years I would apologize, endless times telling her, ‘I will try not to do that again,’ and I really meant it! Finally, one day she turned to me and said, “I believe that you are sorry Mike, but stop trying and do it!”

The writer of Proverbs said, ‘Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future’, (19:20 ESV). This is what she was asking me to do, ‘Listen to my heart and what I need from you, and just do it, honey.’ Why is this so complicated for us to understand sometimes? ‘Mike,the Lord said to me, ‘I gave you two ears, and one mouth, maybe I want you to listen twice as much as you speak to Fay.”

I just started reading, Safe Heaven Marriage’Building a Relationship You Want to Come Home To by Dr. Archibald D. Hart and Dr. Sharon Hart Morris. They wrote this book ”for all those who long to be emotionally connected with their spouse.’ Men, don’t we long to be emotionally connected with our spouse? They go on to say, ”couples need to feel emotionally safe, close, cherished, and respected. Only then can they intertwine their hearts and souls and become one, as God intended,’ (xiii). This is how our wife will begin to feel emotionally safe with us as we listen to their hearts, and then in time, because they feel emotionally safe with us.

In James 1: 2-8, he addresses the area of patience. Patience is an area that we men need to ask God for help. During this period of regaining ground, our wife is learning to trust us again emotionally. James says,

‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does (NIV).”

He goes on to say, ‘Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him,’ (James 1:12, NIV).

Let us not forget that God has given us our spouse to cherish and honor. She needs to sense that we will stop what ever we are doing at that time and ‘lend her both of our ears’. This may take some time for us to learn how, but stay focused on her and your relationship with Christ. Now, let me give you a word of encouragement to apply to your life today. Listen to God, study His Word, but do not forget to pray (speak) to Him daily. As you spend time reading Scripture daily during your quiet time, ask yourself the following question: What is the writer saying to those of us who are reading it? Not, what does it mean to me? (We will come up with all kinds of meanings.) Then, is there an application for me to apply to my life today? As we learn how to listen to God daily, it will be easier to listen to our family members beginning with our spouse.

Looking Good on the Inside

Chuck Underwood

What is it that keeps men imprisoned in a downward spiral of sexual sin? It can be summed up in one word’denial. The fact is we cannot change what we will not acknowledge.

Many men have a behavioral life that is in conflict with the professed values, and beliefs that define their Christian walk. They look good on the outside, but are pretty shabby on the inside–like the duck that seems to glide effortlessly across the smooth calm water. It looks good on the surface, but under the water that duck’s feet are anything but still: they are wildly kicking just to stay in forward motion.

Some men create a lot of ways to look good on the surface without looking at what goes on under the waterline’a lot of violent kicking.

Many times a man will try to solve his sexual addictions by making the problem someone else”a wife, or girlfriend. If only she would change, then I wouldn’t have to act this way. She just isn’t meeting my needs. Someone else must be responsible for my choices.

The most difficult thing for a man struggling with sexual sin is to be honest. The wisest man ever’King Solomon said, ‘He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy’ (Proverbs 28:13, NIV).

Admitting that there is a need to change is the first step out of sexual bondage. Minimizing the need to confess to God, others, and ourselves only obstructs positive growth.

What is the positive growth we are after? To restore the relationships that were destroyed as a result of sexual sin is of utmost importance. Sexual sin separates and isolates a man from his network of support. In a counseling practice one of the predictors of successful therapy is the degree of connection of a person to his family and friends. A sexual addict perpetuates fantasy in his daily life that plays a huge part in isolating him from other people. It becomes a double life that seeks to avoid exposure at all costs’bringing a loss of emotional connectedness. Disconnection and isolation are the very things that are realized in a world that becomes extremely self-centered.

The goal for every Christian should be restoration. This begins with confession. Confession implies transparency’a straightforward agreement with God that those choices were sinful. Confession is reality-based: a complete honest, humble emptying of self. The reality is being willing to deal with the sexual sin up close and personal. When a man comes before God in this manner He declares him forgiven’even righteous (I John 1:9). It is a three-part journey’forgiveness from God, forgiveness of self, and forgiveness of others.

God’s forgiveness is always available for the asking. But, have you ever asked God to forgive you and then not felt forgiven? First, forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a fact, a fact backed up by God’s own Word.
For some forgiveness isn’t accepted because there is a belief that forgiveness is not deserved’the idea of not being good enough to be forgiven. The reality is that men often stand in the way of the effects of forgiveness because they are trying to hide the complete truth from God and themselves.

Forgiveness and reconciliation must take place in order to restore relationships with Christ, wives, family, and friends. Reconciliation is a process of emotional reconnection to those vital relationships.

Can the downward spiral of sexual sin be stopped? Absolutely! What does it take? It takes honesty confession, growth, forgiveness and restoration. Acknowledging the problem and desiring to change is the pathway to establishing a behavioral life that is no longer in conflict with the values and beliefs of a growing Christian walk.

For more help in the battle for purity see Every Man’s Battle.
Also, take the loving step of helping your spouse. See the programs for wives and couples offered at the New Life Weekend.

Dropping the H-Bomb

Sam Fraser

There is a word in the English language that I have personally experienced and, over the years, have also found to be true for men almost universally. The hardest word for the male gender to accept is a 4-letter word. It begins with the letter H. Can you say H-E-L-P? Or should I write HELP! Although I have no research that proves this to be true, I do believe it must be genetic. To ask for directions is hard enough but to ask for – – – – is impossible. It goes against our maleness. It is down right unmasculine.

So much of what we learn from the world about what it means to be a man is the opposite of what the Bible teaches. From the world’s perspective of manliness, asking for help means I am weak, I can’t make it by myself, and I am a wimp’ or worse. Humiliation and shame move in. However, spiritually speaking, to declare the need for help is to initiate the truth that sets us free. So much of the Scriptures declare that we can’t make it on our own. It takes great courage and strength to confess our true condition.

“I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid” said Adam. Help! The shame of being needy is like being a ‘girly man’ in the world’s eyes.

There is a difference between humiliation and humility. Humility is the ability to ask for help and not be ashamed of having emotional needs. God has designed us for relationships and yet our culture and gender icons espouse independence and self-reliance. That sets us up for humiliation.

‘There’s no crying in baseball.’ It’s just not in baseball, it has become a way of life and applies to all areas of life as men. We learned long ago as boys on the playground that being needy or asking for help was a source of teasing and ridicule so we learned to bury that side of ourselves. Now, we cover it up and become self-contained rather than risk humiliation. In its place we learned to ignore, deny, minimize, and rationalize our feelings. In many aspects of our lives we can get away with that strategy. But when it comes to this on-going issue with our out of control sex drive, we need the support of other men. Not women. Men!

What is a man to do?

Scriptures constantly point to the reality that we need a Savior, that we can’t do it in our own abilities and resources. Paul prays in Colossians 1 that we do not rely on our own ‘puny’ human strength, but rather experience the power of God’s supernatural strength. Truly, accepting that we are needy and must receive help from others is a spiritual reality and is the beginning of sexual freedom.

So many of us try to fight this battle with sexual temptation on our own, isolated and alone, only to end up failing miserably over and over.

In the Every Man’s Battle workshop, every man who has failed admits not having a band of brothers he can be vulnerable with and share the shame and humiliation of this struggle. It is not that there are no men’s groups out there, rather it is reaching out asking for help that hinders our growth. Utilizing these resources can be the way God leads us back to community, to being whole. No more lone ranger.

There are two steps to getting help. The first is to reach out. The second, actually utter the word HELP! Don’t let what happened to me happen to you. I realized I needed help but didn’t know how to ask. God allowed circumstances which forced me to get help. My situation came crashing down on me. We can come to the rock to be broken or we can allow circumstances to take their natural course and be crushed. Either way God will bring us into a place of restoration and reconciliation with Him. Freedom! If you have a choice I recommend the former!