Transparency in Recovery: A Vital Life Line

Ron Fevelo

“Transparency” If I may define the term for purposes of this article:

Transparency is the state of seeking to be open, candid and freely sharing about our inner world such that others will become more and more intimately acquainted with us.

Now, on the surface this may sound like a frightening concept and one that can only get in the way of being a “man in the world.” Well, in some ways that makes sense. It would be foolhardy to suggest that a man ought to be in the process of sharing of their inner self with all passersby. No, transparency must be tempered with common sense as well as with discretion. No man can be or ought to be always revealing his inner self.

Now, nearly everybody would agree that men ought to be honest, candid and frank with one another but this is not so easy to pull off in the daily grind of life. One of fundamental reason for this difficulty is that “real” men don’t, ‘show their cards’ so to speak. In a poker game you hide what’s going on on the other side of those playing cards hoping to project a false or deceptive sense of what’s really going on with your “hand.” Even more fundamental than any difficulties we may experience in revealing ourselves in a transparent way as ‘real men’ let us bear in mind that we have a far more daunting and pervasive challenge.

It happened quite a few years ago in a garden; one more beautiful than any before (because there weren’t any before) or since’.the garden of Eden! As the result of ‘the fall’ mankind broke intimacy and transparency with his Creator and had to wear a fig leaf to hide as it were, himself. This tragic occurrence has been the bane of man’s existence ever since. Not only did sin sever the perfection of that closeness with God but it seriously hampered the marital (as well as all other) relationships amongst human beings. (Fortunately, our Lord still knows us totally, intimately and perfectly.)

Many men who struggle with sexual purity will have a strong tendency to be anything but transparent. That is, they will probably increasingly feel the need to hide who they are as they become more and more given to the clandestine and become engulfed in the shame that attends to this situation. Further, this man may likely turn more and more to the object of his affection (porn, affairs, etc) which increases the shame, hiding (non-transparency) and may ultimately lead to (sexual) or other addictions.

So, what does the idea of transparency really have to do with the ‘battle?” Well, for those of you who are concerned that you may need the type of assistance given at the Every Man’s Battle Workshop let me note a few things’ When we seek to change the problems associated with sexual impurity and sexual acting out by entering the recovery process, we will find that those who have successfully established themselves in their recovery will be individuals who are, well, transparent. You will notice that they practice honesty and candor. That is, you will observe that they will talk about themselves; more specifically, they will regularly speak about their inner-world; their shortcomings, their joys and concerns, their fears and victories. They will demonstrate to their world that they know that they have nothing to hide. They are no longer living “the lie,” and don’t have a need to expend the energy to cloak themselves and hide from others.

The lifeline of transparency will connect a man to his inner world, which will allow and enable him to connect with his Lord and with other people more deeply and personally. The essence of this whole process finds its home in the well-known process of living a transformed life, which as Christians know, is an ongoing, life-long process. The process of living a transformed life involves a daily, life-long cooperation with the work of the Holy Spirit as we become changed inwardly.

In summation, I believe that we ought to consider that in order to be a man who is going to be true, connected, healed and healthy, we do well to take seriously the idea of setting up a process that allows for others to “take a look” at our inner world. This process occurs naturally as an outgrowth of the process of recovery/transformation. The man who can strive for and begin to achieve the transparent lifestyle is the man who is on the way to being restored to what our Lord originally intended him to be.

Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle

Kent Ernsting

I was smitten from my first sight of him. The first time I held my newborn son in my hands the tears began to well up in my eyes. A deep sense of love enveloped me when I looked into his amazing eyes. I loved that little guy with everything within me. I thanked God for him and I pledged him back to God from that moment. I was struck with the tremendous stewardship responsibility that I now had, to raise him to become a godly young man. I knew that I could not complete that task without God’s help and the help of many others along the way.

Now he’s 14 years old, stands 5’8′ tall, and he’s strong enough to fold me into a pretzel. He routinely aces me on the tennis court. He’s a fullback on his freshman soccer team and he feels responsible for every ball that an opponent gets past him and into the net. He’s smart and brave and he wants to show others that he has what it takes to be a man. I will probably not know if I have successfully completed my task of parenting him until he is in his thirties. The indicator will be whether or not he is living a God -honoring life and rearing godly children.

I don’t know about you, but the challenge of shepherding my son through his young adult years with purity as the goal has been a daunting one for me. How can I talk to him about purity when my own sexuality has been complicated? I have had to deal with my own issues on the subject. We all know intuitively that we need to be the one talking to our kids about sex, but how do we do it?

I am an imperfect parent, but I want to pass along some tips and strategies that I have learned from others and have used with my son.

The first is the principle that RELATIONSHIPS COME FIRST. As long as I keep the relationship that I have with my son strong, then he will be willing to receive guidance and coaching from me. As Josh McDowell says, RULES WITHOUT RELATIONSHIP LEADS TO REBELLION.

I look for ways to spend time with him. Relationship growth occurs when we do things together like going to his games, working together on projects, playing pool with him, and taking him camping with me. It helps me to relate to my son and for my son to relate to me. Relationships are what life is all about.

I want him to know deeply and intimately how to connect with another person in a life-long committed relationship. I want him to experience it first in our father/son relationship. Eventually he will transfer that into a relationship with his wife.

Sex education is really not so much a matter of providing information as it is a matter of deliberate character formation. The first messages are the most potent; it is far more powerful to form a child’s view of sexuality from scratch than it is to correct the distortions the child will pick up in the world. This is a concept that I picked up from a very helpful book by Stanton and Brenna Jones, entitled How & When to Tell Your Kids About Sex. In fact, it was their book that gave me what I needed to know and say to my son when we had our first ‘key talk’ in a local restaurant. After I finished my explanation he asked, ‘Dad, do you eat that green stuff?’ as he pointed to the parsley on my plate.

I took my son camping for a weekend before he entered junior high school. Together we listened to the ‘Preparing for Adolescence’ tapes by James Dobson and we talked about the content of the tapes. Between disc golf and fishing we discussed what would be happening to him in the coming years.

We spent a weekend at a sexual abstinence until marriage conference interacting with various speakers, presentations and youth events. We went to a Promise Keeper rally for youth where the message o purity was presented through music, worship, extreme sports, speakers, and multimedia.

I take him to church regularly and help him plug in with youth groups and their events. Now he is attending Young Life where the message of purity will be reinforced. I want him to know about redemption when he stumbles and about the love of his creator sustaining him throughout his life.

Look for opportunities that will challenge both you and your son such as rock climbing, rappelling, or canoeing. Bathe your son and his future wife in prayer. Let’s talk about how it turns out when our sons are in their thirties.

Please see Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle.

Guarding Your Heart and Mind

James Hutchison

One of the biggest struggles men have is living in a world where temptation is so constant. The life that God wants us to live as men of integrity puts us at odds with Satan. The Bible never tells us to attack the forces of evil, because we are not equipped to fight in the supernatural world. Instead we are called to protect ourselves from attack.
The good news is that God does not leave us defenseless.

Paul’s letter to the Ephesians 6:11 (NIV) says, Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devils schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand your ground and after you have done everything, to stand.

We are called to protect our heart and our mind, in Proverbs 4:23 we read, guard your heart for it is the well spring of life,’ 2:11 says discretion will protect you and understanding will guard you, 4:13 says Hold on to instruction because it will guard your life.

So if you have not looked at the plan that you developed at Every Man’s Battle, now would be a good time. The plan is your goal! Reflect on what you have been able to keep and what needs more attention. Don’t get discouraged by the things that continue to stop you from reaching that goal. In the book of James, he tells us that when bad things happen, not if, but when they happen that we should consider it pure joy, because whenever we face the trials of life God is testing our faith to develop our perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that we may become mature and complete not lacking anything.

Get together with your small groups, have some clean fun, and don’t get slimed.

If you haven’t attended Every Man’s Battle yet, please click here for some information.
If you are married and have attended Every Man’s Battle, we encourage you to attend our next New Life Weekend with your wife.