Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 10

New Life Ministries

Honesty is perhaps one of the most basic needs in marriage. Without honesty, problems that may destroy the relationship can lie hidden for years, building momentum, creating blocks to intimacy, and then suddenly surfacing larger than life to wreak destruction in your marriage.

Honesty is the foundation upon which all other aspects of marriage are built. With honesty you know exactly how your actions will affect your mate, and you can make the necessary adjustments to accommodate his or her feelings.

With honesty, you and your spouse are aware of each other’s weaknesses, and can work with that knowledge.

Knowing and understanding the thoughtless things you might be inclined to do, allows you to take precautions to prevent that from happening. ‘But we are honest!’ you say?

How honest are you? Is there a line you can draw which marks where a little bit of secrecy turns into dishonesty? Is there such a thing as mostly honest?

Being honest is like being pregnant, or alive. You either are, or you’re not. There is no half way, no mostly, about any of those things. In marriage, partners must learn to become completely honest with each other if they are to achieve true intimacy.

Here’s a little quiz. Do you, or have you, shared the following information with your spouse? Do you know the same sorts of things about him or her in return?

Your past. Does your mate know all there is to know about: former lovers, friends, occupations, dreams, mistakes, achievements, failures?

Your feelings. How do you feel about the events of your life? Especially your reactions to the things that your mate does? How do you feel about the life you have created together?

Today. What are your plans for the day? Who will you see, what will you talk about, where will you go, when will you be home, how can you be reached?

Tomorrow. What are your hopes and dreams and plans? What are your goals?

Anything left unasked above. Does your spouse know as much as you do about yourself?

Well now, I can just see you shaking your heads in disbelief. She must be crazy to think that I would share my past failures, or the fact that my spouse’s job really annoys me. Talking about those things would just cause a fight to end all fights.

But is it the honesty that causes the argument, or is it the things you have been hiding? Is it speaking the truth, or is it the manner in which you deliver the message? Which brings us to a couple of points that need to be touched upon.

First, how well do you handle your spouse’s honesty? Do you become upset, yell, threaten, or criticize when your partner shares difficult information? If so, then you are fostering dishonesty in your marriage.

You would be well advised to make a practice of thanking your spouse for whatever information he or she shares. If it is too difficult at the time for you to handle the things your spouse is sharing with you, then express your thanks and ask for some time to process what you’ve heard.

When you share information with your partner, do you do it in a way that is calm, respectful and pleasant? Saying something like, ‘You lazy thing, all you ever do is sit around and look at trash on tv, you never do anything to keep the house up,’ is not being honest. It’s being rude and disrespectful. Saying instead, ‘I’m overwhelmed with things I’d like to get done, and I’m wondering if there’s a way you would be willing to help me out?’ is honest and respectful.

Honesty needs to be framed in a way that is respectful of how the other person feels. This is not to say that you should not convey information that might be upsetting. It simply means that you must do so in a way that is as considerate as possible.

One of the things that I emphasize strongly with couples that come to me for help, is the practice of sharing with their spouses, their own reactions to his or her behavior.

So often we are afraid to tell our mate that he or she has offended us in some way. Frequently it was something done in innocence, and we want to overlook it. Unfortunately, when we do that, our feelings for our partner are adversely affected. And we deprive them of the ability to make necessary adjustments in their behavior to take our feelings into account.

If you have very difficult information that you have been withholding from your spouse, then you might want to consider enlisting the help of a professional. Things such as past or current infidelity are incredibly hard to confess, and even harder to hear. Sharing with the help of a caring third party can ease the process.

Honesty is the bedrock of marriage. It is essential for trust, for building compatibility, for creating a way of life that you both enjoy, and for maintaining the feelings of love in marriage. If you are serious about saving your marriage, or about keeping alive the love you have now, you must begin with real and complete honesty.

After attending Every Man’s Battle, we strongly encourage you to attend our marriage program at our New Life Weekend
This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of
impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she
still may have.


Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 7

The Wife of an EMB Attendee

Notes From The Wife of a Sexually Sinful Husband

Suffering has its purpose. As I read though the miracles of Jesus I have found that suffering has its purpose. Suffering may: bring about repentance, be a witness of faith to others while in the midst of it, be a witness when delivered from trial, or bring about a softened and contrite heart -thereby drawing the sufferer closer to God.

Why, I ask myself, would God leave me in the midst of a very painful
marriage? A marriage riddled with detestable sexual sins that have consumed the man I love. Several answers come to mind. Perhaps I am there to be a witness and reminder of God’s love. My husband needs my spiritual insights and support. I say this without pride because only God gives me this.

Perhaps I have been made by my uniqueness and by my experiences (especially the sexual ones) the one to impart God’s wisdom and reminders of God’s forgiveness and power. Who better than a molested child, a rape victim, and a person who has gone through a divorce because of sexual sin, to stand beside her husband in these hours, days and years of his greatest need. Perhaps by knowing the pain of a victim I can help him understand the consequences of such sexual sins. Being a member of a family of victims also gives me intimate knowledge of sexual sin and the power it has over you and the sense of hopelessness the sinner feels. Yes I feel the excruciating pain his sins impart more acutely than those who have not suffered these atrocities, but this same pain empowers me with knowledge and empathy.

Second and by far not the least, is the benefits I might receive from this trial. That through this trial, I am now devoid of my own strength and ability to forgive. What choice do I have but to draw on Christ’s power and forgiveness! Perhaps only by this trial, I will realize in whom my faith, self-esteem and power lies. Do I hold my relationship with my husband in a higher position than that of God’s relationship? Does being married to a “sexually normal” husband mean more than being in a relationship with God? How much pain and energy have I consumed over these sexual sins? Much more than was healthy, I have despaired to the point of wanting to end my life. What opportunities have I lost: times to grow spiritually, times to minister to my husband, and times when Christ could have shown through me. Where is my faith in answered prayers or in God’s wisdom if he chooses to not answer those prayers? For 24 years I have prayed for God to heal my husband of his sexual sins. Perhaps never in my or his lifetime will this trial be over, does that mean there was no purposes or that God has abandoned me? I may be overcome with pain and hopelessness at times, but my God loves me, in this I am sure. Would I know God so deeply, be able to hear His voice so clearly and seek Him so fervently if I had not gone through this trial! What treasures of leaning on Him and learning of Him do I have yet to find if this trial continues? Oh, that I might find some hope and joy in this, when I am overwhelmed.

So I continue to pray:

That God will heal my husband, give him the strength to avoid temptations,
draw him closer and give him peace in forgiveness.
That God will restore our marriage: that it can be based on love,
self-sacrifice, and honesty.
That my husband might find his sexual satisfaction in me,
that I may find strength and peace even in the midst of this sin.
That I might grow in the knowledge of God and understand His ways.
And that I might reflect Godliness while in the trials that my husband and I go through.

After attending Every Man’s Battle, we strongly encourage you to attend our marriage program at our New Life Weekend
This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of
impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she
still may have.


Christmas Hope

Rebecca J. Wever

Christmas-time is often a time when people feel hopeful. As followers of Jesus Christ we are reminded that our Savior was sent to earth as an innocent little baby for us, each one of us. But sometimes even though we have hope in things that are eternal we may still feel hopeless when it comes to the things of this world. Being on the road to sexual purity, and more specifically, restoring a wounded or broken marriage can sometimes feel hopeless.

As the wife of a recovering sex addict I want to give you hope. Many of you have heard David Wever’s story of his fall to sexual sin and the damage it did to both him and our marriage. I was a woman who was stung by betrayal, a woman who completely lost trust in her husband. I remember the days when I couldn’t see past my pain to a day when we would have a good relationship, or even better, a healthy marriage.

As David and I are in contact with couples through the Every Couple’s Desire Conference the thing I hear most from the men is, ‘She’s stuck.’ However, it may not be so much that she is stuck but more that she hasn’t begun to heal. The most wonderful gift I ever received was the gift of healing. As I began to heal and to face both the betrayal and myself in light of the betrayal, I was able to start to move back towards David and the issues that brought us to the place we were. Unfortunately, you can’t heal for her, you can’t make it happen faster and you can’t demand that she does it.

I found that healing can happen as three components come in to place.

First, you must adhere to your battle plan. Your wife will watch you to see if you are for real. She wants to trust you but she won’t allow her heart to be hurt that way again. You have to show her you are going to follow through with the things you say. Meet with your accountability partner, disconnect cable, put a filter on your computer, let you finances be open for her to see, and don’t be defensive when she needs to ask questions or express her feelings. I still ask David questions or express fear or pain – it’s not a one time discussion.

Second, she will need to work through her pain, wounds and issues on her own. She may need individual therapy or a mentor to talk with. Give her the freedom to seek healthy and supportive relationships to do this. Just as it is important for you to have relationships to keep you accountable and strong in the battle she will also need relationships for support and strength.

And third, healing will only happen through the Holy Name of Jesus Christ. Acts 3:16 says, ‘By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him…‘ Your wife will begin to heal, or grow stronger, as you both surrender to Jesus Christ.

Pray for her daily. Pray for her healing, her pain, her wounds and her anger. Surrender your wife to your Heavenly Father. Here is the hopeful part’I am a woman who lost any hope for a happy, healthy marriage. I am a woman who never thought her husband could love her enough to be sexually pure. I am a woman who never dared to hope for anything better. But, I am a woman who is living all those things today.

Our Father in Heaven is amazing and He wants for your marriage to be healthy and holy and wonderful just as much as He wants it for David and me. So if things feel hopeless for you this holiday season, as you remember the little baby Jesus, I pray you will find new hope, not only in the things eternal but also in the things of this world.