Satisfaction Guaranteed

One of the subtle realities of pornography, affairs, strip clubs and/or prostitutes is guaranteed satisfaction. Sure, we all know that in the aftermath of acting out there is zero satisfaction. But in the moment, the fix is real and never lets us down.

To explain further, remember that sexual acting out isn’t about sex. It’s about the emotional charge, the escape from reality and the offset to the longings of our soul. Where we feel overwhelmed we feel peace for a moment, where disconnected we feel a sense of belonging, where feeling criticized we feel appreciated, where minimized like we matter, helpless – powerful, failure – accomplishment. You get the picture. With a click of a button, a swipe of a screen, an email or a phone call we can instantly inject enough morphine into our system to numb the unpleasant present reality. Guaranteed. For a few moments.

But the real antidote to acting out is intimacy. There is actually a 1-for-1 offset that doesn’t often get spoken of. When you have a couple people (besides your spouse) in your life who you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, will be there for you, there is a direct offset to the sexual acting out. Will porn ever reject you at 2am? Nope. Is there someone you are 100% confident will answer your call if you ring them at 2am? If the answer is no, you’ll consistently revert back to the guaranteed hit.

Taking it a step further, sexual acting out provides a false sense of security. We know, even without thinking about it, we just “know” that it’ll be there for us. It’s been proven. Tested. Tried. There is no question. That sense of guarantee, where you know that you know that you know, that’s called security. Porn (for example) provides security. That’s kind of sick to think, isn’t it? Say it out loud and give it a test drive; see how it sits with you when you say: “Porn provides me security”. “Strip clubs provide me security”. “Masturbating gives me security”. Weird, right?

We need men in our lives who we know, that we know, that we know have our best interest at heart and will be there for us absolutely any time we need them. Hands down. They are on vacation…they’ll answer our call. Middle of a meeting at work…answer our call if its an emergency. 2am…groggy and halitosis, they’ll drive to the ends of the earth to help us.

Cultivate that, and I can almost guarantee you won’t need acting out anymore.

Leaving lustful looking behind – tip 1

Sorry for going dark for a little while there! Back at it!

Let’s deal with lustful looking. To leave it behind has a finality to it that I don’t want to misrepresent. It is an ongoing work, NOT a one-and-done change that happens. And the reason I think is because it is so much more than a temporal, physical issue. It is a heart, mind, body and soul issue. So dealing in pragmatics, I want to offer some tips I hope will be helpful.

First, you need a mantra. Sounds corny, huh? But seriously, perhaps you’ve heard this quote –

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.”
― Henry Ford

We’ll end up believing what we tell ourselves. This isn’t about pop-psychology positive self talk. It’s about the core beliefs we have about ourselves. And when it comes to lustful looking, some of us have these core beliefs:

  • If I don’t look I’ll miss out on something.
  • They might look back and that will feel electric/powerful/significant/etc.
  • I am entitled to look.
  • I’m not hurting anyone by looking.
  • I have to look in order to meet someone. [for singles]

Unfortunately, much like processes running in the background on our computers, these core beliefs are operating in the background of our hearts and minds. Without even realizing it, we’re already at a disadvantage in the war for sexual integrity.

Think about this for a moment from the perspective of a professional athlete. What would happen if everyday, multiple times a day, the team’s star receiver repeated to himself, “when the ball comes to me, I drop it every time. When the ball comes to me, I drop it every time”.  Sounds asinine doesn’t it? Yet that’s how many of us operate. “When an attractive woman/man crosses my path, I look her up and down.” When an attractive woman/man crosses my path, I look her up and down.” Side note: isn’t it crazy how we’ll celebrate and sensationalize the disciplines of an elite athlete, but we’ll call the disciplines of a spiritual athlete hokey or ridiculous?

So how do we change this? One way is by having a mantra. We reprogram the processes running in the background. My mantra is, “there’s nothing I need, guaranteed”. What that means to me is, I haven’t a single need that God hasn’t already appropriated meeting through Shelley, other men, or Himself, albeit maybe not immediately.

Practically speaking, I walk into Starbucks and an attractive woman is in line, “nothing I need, guaranteed.” Urge to double-take, “nothing I need, guaranteed.” Seriously. And guess what; over time, I’ve come to believe it. My core belief today is not that I’m missing out if I don’t. Instead that core belief is that no one on the planet can satisfy the longings of my heart more than Shelley, men and God. So why would I even have to look at another woman? It’s a foregone conclusion.

I am a fan of you having a mantra. One that you repeat every day, multiple times a day, so that you start to believe it.

I’d love to hear what your mantra is if you have one, or when you come up with one.

More tips to come!

Bottom Line

A quick thought to ponder-

What’s your bottom line purpose for today?

What is that baseline commitment that if you meet it, whether or not your day went well, whether or not you performed as a zero or a hero, you can hit the sack with peace?

For me, that is honoring God by being authentic, transparent and speaking truth. If I can function today living out who God has called me to be I can rest. If I tell the truth, both of my life and the life of Jesus, I can rest. If I can be vulnerable and avoid masks and pretenses that portray I can handle life by my own strength, then I can rest knowing I’ve done all I can do.

If we’ll chase after that bottom line commitment today, with all our strength and energy, it’s unlikely we’ll look at porn, go to a strip club, have an(other) affair or be tangled up in the barbed wire of our own egos.

You can do it.