Tag Archives: sex

Rewiring your Brain

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I am often asked about the brain chemistry behind sexual addiction. While it would take a book to cover the topic adequately (and there is a great one I’ll mention at the end of the post), we can bring it down to lay terms. Simply said, when we engage sexually we activate the areas of the brain that chemically make us feel love, warmth, acceptance, euphoria and peace. Adrenaline, oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, etc for all you detail oriented folks. Most men who struggle with sexual integrity issues have connected the guilt and shame of life with the “love and euphoria” chemicals of sexual engagement. Neuropathways in the brain have formed which, when activated, follow this course:

negative emotions——–> sexual engagement (fantasy, masturbation, porn, emotional/physical affairs, sex with spouse)———->chemicals of love and euphoria released

In other words, we’ve learned how to use sex as the needle to deliver a chemical cocktail anesthetic that medicates negative emotions and shameful self concepts.

What begins as a narrow, shallow walking path eventually becomes so engrained and solidified that it is becomes a deep and wide trench. Those neuropathways, or trenches, are easy to access and fall into. Likewise, they are incredibly difficult to get out of.

Thankfully God created our brains with the ability to rewire. This is known as neuroplasticity. One of the simplest ways to begin rewiring the brain is to follow biblical guidance in two ways. First, when sexual temptation hits, we must take each thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). Then we must replace those thoughts with what the bible says is pure, lovely, excellent, praiseworthy, right, admirable and noble (Phil 4:8). Those thoughts would ideally be vivid memories of times and situations where you felt love and peace. It could be a family vacation photo, an anniversary, grandkids, Jesus, particular verses, etc.

In terms of brain chemistry, what we are doing is interrupting the old neuropathway and replacing the sexual thoughts with memories that tap into the nerve centers of love and euphoria. We’re accomplishing the same goal [releasing the chemical cocktail] only now we are doing so in a way that honors God. We stop using our sexuality as the needle to administer the anesthetic.

I hope you’ll begin practicing this technique. If you’re like I was in the beginning of my recovery journey, you probably have multiple opportunities each day to practice this! If you do, you are faithfully practicing what Paul exhorts us to do; be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom 12:2)
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A helpful read regarding pornography and the brain is Wired for Intimacy: Dr. William Struthers

TruthTelling

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We all know telling the truth is a biblical imperative. Yet it seems like so many men struggling with sexual integrity issues have amnesia with respect to it. Telling a lie has become second nature to so many of us, we forget what the truth really is. In fact, we’ve become so adept at telling lies that we’ve convinced ourselves of half-truths. Sometimes we’re not even sure what the truth is because we’ve sliced and diced it so many ways. Sexual addicts, especially, live in a world where most things are polarized: either black or white, all or nothing, always and never. Except for the truth. The truth is always gray. Various shades of gray too; sometimes its a lighter shade. “Little white lies”, http://americandigest.org/truthlies.jpgif you will. At other times it is a very dark gray; heinous, harmful lies that cover up the things we’re most ashamed of.

Maybe you’ve never thought of it this way, but we’re close cousins to Satan when we operate like this. He had a knack for skewing the truth. “Did God really say…”, “If you truly are the son of God…”. He would twist things just enough to make the lie believable or truth seem unbelievable. Here are a couple of examples how that goes in real life:

  • MAKING THE LIE BELIEVABLE:  “I didn’t have an affair, I only kissed her”.

Here the adulterer plays on a common cultural idea of infidelity: sex is required to constitute an affair. That is total B.S. The lie in this case is dealing with semantics; what makes it an affair? It may have been an emotional connection; it’s an emotional affair. It may have been hand-holding; it’s a physical affair. It may have been sex: it’s an emotional and very physical affair.

  • MAKING THE TRUTH SEEM UNBELIEVABLE:  “I can’t believe you would accuse me of doing ______!”

This one comes up when a man has acted out sexually in a way he can hardly believe, and his wife has busted him. In fact I’ve seen men busted for porn on the home computer and blame it on their teenage son. I’ve seen a man caught with a mistress and try to deny it right in front of his wife’s face. “I can’t believe you would accuse me of having an affair with my secretary! This was a business lunch. What’s wrong with you that you would think such a horrible thing?”

Both of these examples are outright lies. They do damage to both the liar and the one lied to.

If we’re ever to get free of these issues and/or rebuild a broken relationship we must learn to tell the truth. At all costs. There are 3 people in particular that we have to begin telling the difficult truth to:

1 – Ourselves. If you have trouble dealing in truth with yourself, I urge you to do 2 things. First, write it down. When you are questioned about something or you are being asked for specific details of your life, write down your response. Analyze it on paper, not in your head. Then, second, share that with an accountability partner and ask for feedback. When it’s out of your head, on paper, and in front of someone you trust you are a step closer to the truth.

2 – God. We all lie to God. And we know it. In my life it takes the form of minimization; I’ll downplay what I’ve done thinking maybe He won’t be as disappointed. Newsflash: He knows everything!  When we are partially honest with God we only partially receive His forgiveness and love. We have to be fully, painfully honest with Him before we’ll allow ourselves to receive what He is offering. We can never fully accept acceptance until we’re fully known.

3 – Spouses. The mantra I’ve adopted is this:“I’d rather lose you, than lie to you.” It means I’ll tell the truth even when it hurts. Even if it means I cannot control the outcome or dictate the consequences. She deserves the truth. Period.

If you are still covering something up with lies, even little things, you’ll never find the freedom you’re looking for.

 

Shame Overload

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Sex addicts are on shame overload. Men who struggle with sexual integrity issues are carrying around tons of shame and it is practically unbearable. In fact for some, the weight is unbearable, thus they off-load it onto other people. If you’re married to someone who struggles with sexual integrity issues you probably know this. Chances are he has shamed and belittled you, perhaps even over petty things, and has attempted to make you the point of origin for many relational problems. Some call it blame shifting; I call it shame shifting.

The basis and root of shame is in the core belief system of the addict. That belief system is flawed for someone who struggles with these issues. They believe they are worthless, defective, unworthy of love and forgiveness. That is not what is presented on the surface though. There is usually an elaborate and complex system of masks the addict uses to project quite the opposite of the core beliefs. The face they put on enables them to fit in, find acceptance or respect and find compassion and nurturing. For many addicts, life can become a giant game of ping-pong. They bounce from relationship-to-relationship, job-to-job, hobby-to-hobby, status symbol-to-status symbol looking for something or someone to provide a brief reprieve from the shame. The painful reality is that along the way, they actually lose themselves. They lose their authentic, true identity. Again, wives of sex addicts easily identify this. I can’t tell you how often I hear a wife say, “he is not the man I know he can be. I’m certain that inside him there is a man of honor and integrity, worthy of my respect.”

I remember what that felt like. To realize and acknowledge that I didn’t know who I was. Scary as hell. Talk about feeling lost, lonely and insecure. I never want to end up their again. The good news is I don’t have to. And neither do you! God longs for us to be who He says we are and is faithful to refine us towards that end. God uniquely hand-crafted you and has a purpose for you. That purpose and identity are firmly rooted in your sonship; in who you are in Him. If lost, lonely and insecure are all too familiar feelings, chances are shame is weighing you down. Spend some time this week researching what God says about you and see if anything strikes a chord. It may help to relieve some of the shame. Here are a few suggestions to begin…

John 15:16, Psalm 139:4,13,14, Psalm 56:8, Ephesians 3:16-18, Philippians 1:6