Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle

Kent Ernsting

I was smitten from my first sight of him. The first time I held my newborn son in my hands the tears began to well up in my eyes. A deep sense of love enveloped me when I looked into his amazing eyes. I loved that little guy with everything within me. I thanked God for him and I pledged him back to God from that moment. I was struck with the tremendous stewardship responsibility that I now had, to raise him to become a godly young man. I knew that I could not complete that task without God’s help and the help of many others along the way.

Now he’s 14 years old, stands 5’8′ tall, and he’s strong enough to fold me into a pretzel. He routinely aces me on the tennis court. He’s a fullback on his freshman soccer team and he feels responsible for every ball that an opponent gets past him and into the net. He’s smart and brave and he wants to show others that he has what it takes to be a man. I will probably not know if I have successfully completed my task of parenting him until he is in his thirties. The indicator will be whether or not he is living a God -honoring life and rearing godly children.

I don’t know about you, but the challenge of shepherding my son through his young adult years with purity as the goal has been a daunting one for me. How can I talk to him about purity when my own sexuality has been complicated? I have had to deal with my own issues on the subject. We all know intuitively that we need to be the one talking to our kids about sex, but how do we do it?

I am an imperfect parent, but I want to pass along some tips and strategies that I have learned from others and have used with my son.

The first is the principle that RELATIONSHIPS COME FIRST. As long as I keep the relationship that I have with my son strong, then he will be willing to receive guidance and coaching from me. As Josh McDowell says, RULES WITHOUT RELATIONSHIP LEADS TO REBELLION.

I look for ways to spend time with him. Relationship growth occurs when we do things together like going to his games, working together on projects, playing pool with him, and taking him camping with me. It helps me to relate to my son and for my son to relate to me. Relationships are what life is all about.

I want him to know deeply and intimately how to connect with another person in a life-long committed relationship. I want him to experience it first in our father/son relationship. Eventually he will transfer that into a relationship with his wife.

Sex education is really not so much a matter of providing information as it is a matter of deliberate character formation. The first messages are the most potent; it is far more powerful to form a child’s view of sexuality from scratch than it is to correct the distortions the child will pick up in the world. This is a concept that I picked up from a very helpful book by Stanton and Brenna Jones, entitled How & When to Tell Your Kids About Sex. In fact, it was their book that gave me what I needed to know and say to my son when we had our first ‘key talk’ in a local restaurant. After I finished my explanation he asked, ‘Dad, do you eat that green stuff?’ as he pointed to the parsley on my plate.

I took my son camping for a weekend before he entered junior high school. Together we listened to the ‘Preparing for Adolescence’ tapes by James Dobson and we talked about the content of the tapes. Between disc golf and fishing we discussed what would be happening to him in the coming years.

We spent a weekend at a sexual abstinence until marriage conference interacting with various speakers, presentations and youth events. We went to a Promise Keeper rally for youth where the message o purity was presented through music, worship, extreme sports, speakers, and multimedia.

I take him to church regularly and help him plug in with youth groups and their events. Now he is attending Young Life where the message of purity will be reinforced. I want him to know about redemption when he stumbles and about the love of his creator sustaining him throughout his life.

Look for opportunities that will challenge both you and your son such as rock climbing, rappelling, or canoeing. Bathe your son and his future wife in prayer. Let’s talk about how it turns out when our sons are in their thirties.

Please see Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle.

Holy and Healthy Sex in Marriage: Part 4

David Wever

My guess is that many of you have heard this familiar phrase from your wives at some point in your relationship: ‘You just want sex!’ As men this is often times the main goal or mission we have on our minds even if it is with good intentions. The problem is that our lack of communication may leave our wives feeling that our sexual intimacy is more about getting to the goal rather than truly connecting.

One of the most essential, yet often times least developed facets of sexual intimacy, is communication. Romance and arousal are truly built on this necessary dynamic. Communication is the lubricant in a well oiled machine. Often times we learn as men by our culture or otherwise that talking may get us to sex. The problem though with our talking is that it may just be a vehicle to get our ‘goals’ met without truly connecting in the relationship. We may converse in order to get information or direction towards the goal we are trying to accomplish especially if we have hyper-stimulated ourselves to achieve certain goals in sexual intimacy.

I want to offer a different way of communicating for us as men. It is not the manliest way but it may help to establish connection rather than just completing a mission in sexual intimacy.

This proposed way of communicating is chatting. That’s right, I said it. You might be thinking, ‘But Dave, chatting is something guys just don’t do.’ You’re right! But when a person chats, there is often times not a goal or mission to get somewhere in mind. Instead when most people chat they are usually pretty relaxed and talking about their days or their hearts and thoughts. The main point I want you to catch here is that in your romance or arousal towards healthy, Godly sexual intimacy, sex is not the goal. It is truly connecting that needs to be at the forefront.

Sometimes a paradigm shift in the way we approach communication can help us move towards actually letting ourselves be there in heart and mind and then body. The Songs of Solomon are a beautiful picture of a couple moving toward God’s gift of sexual intimacy and then celebrating their oneness. The small but deeply explicit book on romance and intimacy is filled with conversations and chatting about how they feel about one another. Simply, it is filled with communication leading up to eventual physical intimacy.

One set of verses in particular can be found in Song of Songs 1:15-16, How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant.’ Here the Lover (the husband) and the Beloved (the wife) are exchanging not only feelings about one another but are expressing and conversing about the heart of their relationship that leads to a verdant or lush place of intimacy in their marriage bed. Their chatting, if you will, goes on throughout the entire book. An exchange of not only passion but of true hearts is shared in a back and forth dialogue.

Is the vibrancy or lushness of your marriage bed rooted routinely in how good the physical component of intimacy is? Or is it founded upon the communication leading to connectedness in the heart?

Communication leads to connection. Ultimately, connection allows communion with one another in celebrating God’s oneness in your hearts. Rebecca and I both do not commune in sexual intimacy unless we feel connected. And the way we feel connected is to talk, to chat, to dialogue and express our hearts not just to gear up our loins. You may be thinking, ‘Well what about spontaneous, ‘quickie’ sex? Is that ok even if we don’t communicate?’ Yes. But I would guess if you go back a day or two, you may find that even that spontaneity may be founded upon safe, understanding, heart felt communication. If not you may be cheating yourselves of the most important part of sex: true connectedness and intimacy from the heart.

Next time you and your wife are feeling aroused, give chatting a try as it leads to further physical intimacy. Ask yourself before the fires of desire are fanned, have I communicated or talked about my day with her? As you rebuild and restore your heart around sexual intimacy ask yourself: Am I communicating? Is the communication we are having leading to connection? And when we commune in physical sexual intimacy do I feel and stay connected emotionally and spiritually?

Remember, your communication is an essential building block to connection and safeness to allow desire to blossom. It is also a building block to physical foreplay in sexual intimacy. We will look further at Holy and Healthy physical foreplay next time in this series.

For more help, join one of our couples groups at our next New Life Weekend.

Same Sex Attraction

Chris Cole

The struggle of same sex attraction is one that is very complex. Many with this struggle–I will refer to those who struggle with same sex attraction as the ‘struggler’–say that they have felt this way all of their life. It runs deep to the core of one’s gender identity. I want to say that in order to understand the root causes, the struggler needs to do his research. In this article, I will focus on the root causes from a human development stand point. I will also direct you to some resources that you should read and study yourself.

Same sex attraction is rooted in an effort to get homo-emotional, or same-sex, love needs met. These needs include longings for love, acceptance, and belonging. They are to be first met in the relationship with one’s father and mother, and are critical to one’s sense of security. Berger (1995) explains: ‘masculinity and femininity are communicated to us as children through those people in our lives who symbolize to us masculinity and femininity (mother and father). In order to acquire a healthy personal identity, we must encounter loving and healthy relationships with members of both sexes’ (p.58). Home is where these emotional needs are satisfied, and where healthy role modeling of one’s masculine gender by the father is experienced leads to healthy gender identity development in both boys and girls. For boys, another developmental process occurs as he differentiates from the mother and identifies with his father. Nicolosi and Nicolosi (2002) state, ‘Girls can continue to develop in the feminine identification through the relationship with their mothers. On the other hand, a boy has an additional developmental task’to disidentify from his mother and identify with his father’ (p.23). Konrad (1987) highlights that gender development is an acquired social learning process that children experience in the family environment. ‘Gender identity, on the other hand, is a process that begins at birth. As children begin to explore their own bodies, they combine this information with the way society treats them to create an image of themselves as boys and girls’ (p.35). The role the father plays in healthy gender identity development is significant to boys (and to girls). Boys who have fathers who are nurturing, warm, decisive, strong, and are active in their child’s socialization will help that child develop a healthy sexual identity. Again, Nicolosi and Nicolosi (2002) touch on the importance of the father: ‘the boy’s father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son’s maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son’games that are decidedly different from those he would play with a little girl. As a result, the son will learn more of what it means to be a male. And he will accept his body as a representation of his maleness’ (p.24). So, two important things happen when a boy bonds with his father: he receives his father’s love and approval, and also develops a strong sense of male gender identity.

So how does same sex attraction develop? One common experience among gays is the report of having a poor relationship with one’s father. Failure on the part of the father to affirm and bond with his son leads to a deficit of unmet needs in the child. In many cases, fathers were relationally absent (either physically or emotionally), inadequate, withdrawn, passive (with a dominant mother), hostile, abusive, or alcoholic. This impairment in the relationship would result in the boy feeling inadequate in his maleness, lacking confidence in one’s own gender, which then leads to feelings of uncomfortability in developing healthy interaction among his male relationships. Konrad (1987) states that ‘homosexuals experience a critical deficit in their relationships with their fathers while growing up, meaning that normal psychological needs which should have been met by the father/son bond are left unfulfilled’ (42-43). One should note that actions on the part of the father may be unintentional, even seemingly non-threatening. Yet, it is important to note that the perspective of the child is one of woundedness, thus creating a defensive detachment. Again Konrad (1987) explains: ‘it’s not necessarily what kind of father these men are but how their children react to them that can cause psychological damage, perhaps by simply blocking normal attachment to them’ (p.44). As the boy withdraws from his father to avoid further hurt, his same sex love needs go unmet. Thus at the root of one’s ‘homosexual’ drive is an effort to get same sex love needs met that needed to be met in the father/son relationship. Konrad (1987) points out ‘that homosexuals detach from their fathers to prevent further hurt and/or not to identify with them. For some this may have been an unconscious, subtle detachment. But for others, it was an overt vow not to be anything like their father. The severity of this detachment varies from person to person and is more obvious in some than others’ (p. 46). As the boy detaches from his father, there is also a corresponding detachment from his own body. Nicolosi and Nicolosi (2002) make this point: ‘the boy who makes the unconscious decision to detach himself from his own male body is well on his way to developing a homosexual orientation. Such a boy will sometimes be obviously effeminate, but more often he ‘ like most pre-homosexual boys’ is what we call gender-nonconforming. That is, he will be somewhat different, with no close male buddies at that developmental stage when other boys are breaking away from close friendships with little girls (about six to eleven) in order to develop a secure masculine identity (p.24).

As one can now see, those struggling with same sex attraction are striving to get needs met from childhood. As the boy enters adolescence, with the stirring of one’s sex drive, these homo-emotional needs get ‘eroticized’ and misinterpreted as sexual feelings. Konrad (1987) sums it up: ‘Thus the problem with the person who has labeled himself a homosexual’he thinks he’s gay and interprets his normal (but unmet) homo-emotional feeling the wrong way. And based upon his feelings he continues through life reinforcing his gay identity, further hindering the identification process and preventing unmet needs from being met. It’s a terribly vicious cycle that can be stopped only be understanding same-sex needs and satisfying them through proper channels” (p.64). If you are struggling with same sex attraction, your work is to begin to explore the impact of your early experiences. How did you get your needs met as a child? You may want to go to the resources I have referred to in this article. Also find a group you can participate in of other ex-gays. They can help you work through these issues in an atmosphere of acceptance. You may also want to find a good therapist familiar with helping people work through the complexity of issues you face.

For an excellent book on this subject, please see Desires in Conflict.


Resource List Bergner, Mario. 1995. Setting Love In Order. Grand Rapids, MI. Baker Book House Co. Konrad, Jeff. 1987. You Don’t Have To Be Gay. Hilo, Hawaii. Pacific Publishing House. Nicolosi, Joseph & Nicolosi, Linda Ames. 2002. A Parent’s Guide To Preventing Homosexuality. Downers Grove, Illinois. InterVarsity Press.