When Quiet Times Become Chaotic: Encouragement for Busy Lives

Martin Fierro

Has there ever been a time when a gentle quietness brought a peace to your heart and mind? If you answered the question without going to that memory by moving to this next sentence you have missed the experience at the start. Let’s try it again, entertain me once again. Has there been a moment’ a time’ when a gentle quietness brought a sense of peace to your heart’. and mind’.? Sit here as you reflect to one.

Did you get to re-experience it again by this simple exercise? Rather, did you give yourself permission to experience that peace in the moment?

As an example, it was hoped that you went to a place in your mind which allowed you to experience true peace at the beach, the mountains, a river, a soft breeze on your face, laughing with your wife/children etc’. If you got there and wanted to remain there, then return and come back to this article later. It is that very resting spot that one can experience the peace of God that passes all understanding. It is also the place that the voice of the Holy Spirit comforts and challenges our soul.

It is far too often that we rush and move to the next thought, thing, activity, task, sentence or paragraph, and assignment without pondering the moment or moments. By such active behavior we miss so many opportunities to experience the rest and quiet God desires us to bask in. The possible results in the active behavior is not only missing and experiencing physiological rest but also miss times for spiritual discernment and wisdom. A benefit of resting in a quiet calm for any individual struggling with/maintaining sexual integrity is that it provides a healthy focus point to that of potential/destructive mental images and messages that lead to acting out.

Yes, peace can happen in resting in the creation of this world around us even with the modern man-made distractions.

It is not necessarily a process of creating rest, for in that alone is stressful. Just think about the last time you planned a long vacation to ‘rest.’ Was it truly a restful time? How many times have we come back from a vacation and said we need to rest from the vacation activity. It is maddening! Some rather just keep on the track of doing projects and responsibilities because seeking a quiet reflective experience appears irreverent or impossible. If you attend church regularly it is encouraged to sit and rest in God’s peace through prayer. During those times of prayer if your mind is wondering about the days/weeks events to come, once again the opportunity to have calm in the chaos is missed. Life then controls us. We just let life around us happen like it is a roller coaster ride (one hill after another). In letting life happen we surrender to it, then it takes our life focus and in that we become vague or superficial with ourselves and those around us.

In the process of recovery and staying sober from sexually acting out, our lives can become chaotic with activity as a means of distraction. Thus, a time of calm reflection and contemplation can diminish because we have to have something to tend to (hyper-stimulation in a different form?). Think of the all the time/energy used to maintain the secret of your sexual addiction and now re-using that time for true peace and calm to battle any of the triggers of your addiction. The quietness in the calm of the addiction recovery should not be mistaken as: 1. I’m healed! or, 2. Something must be wrong! Though such times of quiet in the past was the usher for your sexually acting out, perhaps these times can be used to re-focus on God and the relationship He desires with you!

Here are some ideas to consider with regards to regaining or finding some calm in the chaos. Look beyond the sidewalk to the blades of grass. The tree and the way the breeze moves its leaves. Watch a cloud as it moves so gingerly yet steadfast. Observe how the sun creates a consistent change of details through shadows at this time of the year and through out the day/month/year. Reflect on the flow of water as it hits the ground and runs to a common level seeking a resting space (much like we do). This is not being said to run around prance in a tutu as you reconnect with the world around you. Rather, do not miss this rich and free opportunity to walk out your office door, step out the car door or you own home front door to experience the calm in the chaos of the man-made world of activity. Become a child discovering nature again in its detail which is the handprint of God. If you have a young child or grandchild, watch and learn how they experience life, nature, and the world around them.

Maybe to experience some calm in the chaos is a time for each of us to go back to live as a child so we can have peace as an adult. For when we do not have peace as an adult perhaps we behave like an immature child.

For more help see Every Man’s Battle.

Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 1

New Life Ministries

Your wife can be your ‘comrade in arms’ if she understands the battle for sexual purity and the road you have chosen for sexual integrity. Because male sexual impurity can be unsettling, even shocking, to women, we’ve included this section of interviews with women regarding Every Man’s Battle to give you awareness of how to relate better to your wife and communicate with her in your struggle to be and stay free. Be aware there’s a natural tug-of-war in the hearts of women between pity and disgust, between mercy and judgment.

Cathy: ‘I did not know the depth that men would go and the risk they would take to satisfy their desires. I was unaware of how intense these temptations are and how much defense a man must muster to avoid stepping over God’s boundaries.’

Fawn: ‘I was surprised to learn that Christian men have this problem even after they’re married. I found the intensity of the problem to be shocking.’

Andrea: (From talking with her father and different guys she dated, she knew men were easily attracted visually. But she never realized the major extent of their struggle until she met her future husband.) ‘At the time, he was my closest friend in the youth group, but we were not romantically inclined. He did feel safe enough with me to share his problem with pornography. It was quite a battle for him, as he had first been exposed to it in third grade. I was a little amazed by it all because, although I was attracted to guys by their looks during my dating years, the physical attraction I felt was nothing compared to what a man feels when looking at a woman.’

 Brenda: ”It affects my trust in men, knowing that pastors and deacons could have this problem. I don’t like it that men lustfully take advantage of women in their thoughts, although I realize that women can be largely to blame because of what they wear. It’s at least some comfort to know that many men have this problem.’

How much mercy can be found in a woman’s heart when she looks upon this problem? Not surprisingly, it depends upon her husband’s situation.

Ellen: After hearing about this, I was surprised that married men would have so much trouble. I feel very sorry for them. When I asked my own husband about it, he was honest with me that he had some struggles, and at first I was hurt. Then I just felt thankful that he would share with me. He hasn’t had a major problem in this area, for which I’m thankful.’

Cathy: ‘My husband is regularly bombarded with sexy images, and I was pleased with his honesty regarding that. I want to know the temptation he faces. It will only help me be more sympathetic to his plight. I didn’t feel betrayed because he’s proven faithful in this battle. Other women are not so lucky.’

What about women whose husbands have been losing big in the battle?

Deena: ‘When my husband and I talked about this, he was honest and I was very angry with him. I was hurt. I felt deeply betrayed because I’d been dieting and working out to keep my weight down so that I would always look nice to him. I couldn’t figure out why he still needed to look at other women.’

Women told us that they struggle between pity and anger. Their feelings may ebb and flow with the tide of their husband’s battle. Encourage your wife to pray for you.

For more help on this subject see, Every Man’s Battle.
If you have already attended Every Man’s Battle, bless your wife by attending our couples program at our next New Life Weekend.

Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 2

New Life Ministries

Your wife can be your ‘comrade in arms’ if she understands the battle for sexual purity and the road you have chosen for sexual integrity. Because male sexual impurity can be unsettling, even shocking, to women, we’ve included this section of interviews with women regarding Every Man’s Battle to give you awareness of how to relate better to your wife and communicate with her in your struggle to be and stay free. Be aware there’s a natural tug-of-war in the hearts of women between pity and disgust, between mercy and judgment.

As a man, you’ve no doubt become aware of how much men and women differ sexually.

Heather: ‘I’m starting to be more understand and sensitive to my husband’s feelings. Men are always in the mood.’

Andrea: ‘Through the years I’ve come to read my husband’s body signals and usually, even if I’m tired or don’t feel good, I can appreciate his sexual needs, so I do my part to satisfy him. I have to admit, though, I’ve had times that I felt resentful, wondering why my emotional needs weren’t as important as his physical needs. I’ve told him repeatedly what my needs are for intimacy to better satisfy him and not feel like I’m just an object for his physical pleasure. Although my husband is wonderful in so many ways, he still slips up in this area, and I have to remind him often.’

Andrea: (warming to the subject) ‘Ann Landers once ran a series of stories of women who couldn’t care less about sex anymore. My husband asked me how I felt about that. I told him honestly that I could appreciate where those women were coming from sometimes. He looked surprised, but I went on to say that I could understand why they despise sex if their husbands had never done anything to please their wives, and done only what it took to satisfy themselves.’

It can often be difficult for wives not to be repulsed by the male tendency to draw sexual satisfaction from the eyes.

Rhonda: When I first heard about how men are, it seemed so wild and unlike anything I could imagine. I had a hard time believing it and occasionally even wondered if men were making it up. But having accepted the differences. I can now say that I have a good attitude about the whole thing.’

Cathy: ‘Understanding that his desires have a physiological basis has helped me be more sensitive to a very real need. I used to think that Victoria’s Secret was a store for sleazy women. My husband helped me understand that my wearing ‘intimate apparel’ was a big plus for him. I think Christian women need to feel freer to use whatever turns their man on.’

At the same time, wives have to be careful of how their appearance can turn on other men. The Bible instructs women to dress modestly (1 Timothy 2:9), but many women tend to take such verses lightly. When shopping, some women will look for ‘something attractive,’ when they really mean ‘something sexy.’ They want the sweater that sets off their breasts, the low-cut dress that sets off their hourglass figures. While these may be nice for your husband, what about the rest of the men you know?

Cathy: ‘I don’t think that most women are consciously aware of what other men are thinking. Now that I know how intense the temptations are that my husband and other men face, I’m more careful how I dress.’

After attending Every Man’s Battle, we strongly encourage you to attend our marriage program at our New Life Weekend.  This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she still may have.