Celebrating God’s Attributes: His Goodness

Gary Burkle

One of the blessings of being a child of God is the imparting, by God, of some of His attributes into the believer. The holy Spirit is the indwelling presence of God in the believer. “And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever- the Spirit of truth.” (John 14:16-17)

When we accept Christ as Savior, He sends the Holy Spirit, the counselor, to live within us. We know some of the significant attributes of the Holy Spirit from Galatians 5:22…(“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, GOODNESS, faithfulness, and self-control”). Therefore, Goodness is one of the attributes God imparts to us as part of the gift of salvation.

We, then, can allow the Holy Spirit to affect us and our behavior through a series of conscious choices throughout our life. He helps make us GOOD.

This is one of the true blessings of accepting Christ as Lord and Savior. As we grow in our walk with God in the Christian life we become a better and better (a GOOD) person. This is a by-product of the Christian life-style. We humans are truly blessed to be able to participate with God in His goodness through this phenomenon.

We are able to access the attribute of God’s Goodness in our own life’s behaviors and actions by becoming more like Christ. We do this, in some measure, by developing the “Mind of Christ”

. “…the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.” (Romans 8:6) We develop the “Mind of Christ” by conversing with him through prayer, learning and internalizing His word (reading/studying the Bible), and through fellowship with fellow believers (the Church/smaller Christian groups). Certainly the indwelling “counselor,” “advisor,” the Holy Spirit helps us in this endeavor of having a Christian life-style.

Now let’s look at a practical application. Purity as a life-style choice: If we are struggling with sexual sin, purity in our life is the key to successful recovery. Purity in thought and deed is incompatible with continued sinning in the sexual area. Sinning in the sexual area of the Christian’s life is defined as sexual contact outside of marriage. In addition, the obsessive viewing of pornography resulting in dysfunctional levels of masturbation, qualifies as sexual sin. A sexually driven thought life is a tell-tale sign of these sins, as well. A sexually driven thought life objectifies the object of our lust and, therefore, dehumanizes a child of God. This is a sin, pure and simple. These inappropriate thoughts also often lead to sinful behaviors, and are incompatible with the holy living life-style urged by the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is good and pure and demands that the believer adapt to His standards to allow His continued relationship with us. We must be good and pure to provide an appropriate home for the indwelling Holy Spirit. In turn, He will empower us to experience his attributes, such as goodness and purity, through his power.

To be sure, all humans will be tempted by inappropriate and/or sinful thoughts. There is a spiritual war going on all around us. Part of that spiritual war is the bombardment of our minds with tempting images or thoughts. This can be complicated and exacerbated in our minds if we have engaged in sexual sin in the past.

The more sin we have been involved in, the more challenging images and thoughts we must deal with. In our past sexual sin, we have moved from the tempting thoughts or “triggers” into sinful behaviors, as described above. The more we have done this sexual sinning, the more difficult our struggle for goodness and purity will be now. Most of us need help in this “battle”.

The best answer to successfully combat these maladaptive thoughts and behaviors is found in the principles taught in the Every Man’s Battle workshops. The practical teachings available in the EMB workshops are the best hope for an individual’s successful recovery process. Successful recovery is defined as sexual purity or sexual sobriety.

The principles taught in EMB are tried-and-true principles based on the addiction model. These principles work when diligently applied by the individual. The true key to the success of the EMB workshop model, however, is that it is Biblically based. The EMB workshop model is, at root, based on Biblical truth, and therefore, represents the best hope for success. God bless you in your “Battle.” It is worth the fight.

Understanding Your Wife’s Heart: Part 9

The Wife of an EMB Attendee

I just spoke to you (you are currently at the Every Man’s Battle workshop) and you requested that I share some of the effect your sexual addition has had on me. This may be hard for you to hear, I will try to be honest and I will try to not exaggerate. I want you to realize I am not trying to hurt you, although I am sure it will hurt; to hear what I feel, think and what your behavior has done to me and our children.

1. First and most painful is my loss of PHYSICAL/SEXUAL SELF ESTEEM. I feel in some ways you deceived me before we married. I thought your lack of sexual desire for me before we were married was because you didn’t want to sin by having sex with me. The truth was that this was an established sexual sin in your life that you did not plan on giving up. Yet, sexual intercourse is one of the things that married couples look the most forward to. I was not prepared for this and I was blown away by your rejection that started even during our honeymoon.

Physically I feel repulsive. I am ashamed to have you look at me naked. I feel ugly and fat. I feel I can NEVER NEVER become an object of desire for you. The truth is I have felt this way for many years of our marriage. Long before I gained my weight. My weight was my excuse I created so I would have a reason for you to reject me. To reject me because I am fat was less painful than being attractive and still not being desired. Your lack of willingness to make love in the daytime or with the lights on only feeds this rejection. I have stopped dressing in sexy nightgowns because I feel it wouldn’t make a difference. It isn’t that I think that fat women can not be attractive or even sexy. I know I can be sexy even as I am – but I feel I will NEVER be sexy to you! I feel like I am asking you to do a chore like scrubbing a toilet (totally disgusting) any time I ask you to make love to me or touch me sexually. I feel guilty, like my need for sex is a burden that you hate to bear. Often when we are done, giving ME sex, I feel more hurt emotionally than I did before. Why? because it is so mechanical and one sided. Usually and in the past you tended to do the bare minimum. No kissing, definitely no talking, or moaning or even smiling. You keep you eyes shut the whole time; like your thinking of someone else or anything else as long as it isn’t me. I have asked for french kissing our whole marriage but to this day you avoid it. Our kissing is mostly picking, rarely does it involve putting your arms around me or caressing my body. I love to be kissed on the neck! Just thought I’d remind you! How about kissing my body. Looking at my sexual areas instead of avoiding them. You have looked at me 3 times in 24 years of marriage, and only because I requested it! I have counted, maybe that was stupid, but it hurts me so much, to be that unattractive to you. It was an everyday event in my first
marriage and I have such a hard time understanding why I am so repulsive to you, yet you can look a pictures of other women and that turns you on.

Sorry if this is getting intense, I guess the pain is just pouring out of me. You see I really was a good lover before you; I felt like a woman, like I was beautiful and sexy. You have taken all that away from me. Words will be helpful but the only things that can even begin to help the healing is going to be PHYSICAL CONTACT/SEXUAL CONTACT. Consistent and often. You need to take the risk to give me the type of love and physical affection I desire and need. It would be really nice if I could feel that someday it was genuine desire on your part, but that will take some time. I need for you to communicate about YOUR sexual needs. I feel totally useless trying to touch you. I don’t know what to do, how fast, harder, slower… you need to teach me and interact with me. You prefer masturbation by yourself, you don’t even care if I touch or see you when we are in bed together. Only my physical needs get met and that makes me feel guilty, unloved, useless, ugly and angry.

2. Second and just as important is what your sin has done to me SPIRITUALLY. I know that my depression and obsession with wanting to heal you and the pain your sin caused, has stunted me spiritually. When I chose you for my husband I was very careful to choose a man who knew and love God. A man who I could lead me and walk beside me as I tried to become more Christ-like. Whether it was as a couple or as a parent, I always felt that I was pulling you along, many times unwillingly, to do Bible Study, ministry, attend helpful seminars, read a book, do family devotions… I don’t want to be the spiritual leader in our home! I want you to be. But because of the constant guilt and sin in your life you had a hard time staying close to God. I suffered and the kids suffered because of it! Yes I am responsible for my own faith and in many ways I have gone on without you. Even the pain of your sin has made me grow in my faith, but how much more would we had grown individual, as a couple and as a family had you not had this addiction! I have 40 years more (if I am lucky) to reach people for Christ, to show God how much I love him and to grow in my knowledge of Him. I would like to do this together. I have great respect for your knowledge and you have good insight and you must agree that I sometimes have some Biblical wisdom – how much easier would it be if we could walk down this road together, hand in hand. We have wasted so much time and I feel I have so much I want to learn and do for Christ. Lets stop wasting our time do the trivial things, constant TV (mostly my fault), lack of self-discipline and everything else in this busy world that causes us to focus on the instant gratification or the urgent but not the most important.

3. The third things that your addiction has done to me is change my personality and my behavior. I was not always this ANGRY. I think I was a pretty happy person before all of this. Habitual sin and a lack of repentance has made me angry. I still am angry. I will be for some time. I have forgiven you and I am dealing with the anger when it comes up, but until some of the hole in my heart is filled with real love from you I am afraid that anger is going to still flair up. I have always had some DEPRESSION in my life because of my father, mother and divorce from my X. But no one, no one, has depressed me more than you have. Living with you this past 24 years had made me feel useless, meaningless and unlovable. In the height of your addiction you would avoid me like I was a disease. I became so AFRAID of your presence that the mere touch of your hand on mine brought me great fear; I became sensitized to you hurting me.

This has got to be very hard on you and if you need to stop and take a break please do so. I don’t want you to be overwhelmed with pain and despair. But it is important you know the truth, so I am going to go on.

4. Your sin caused ME TO SIN. You became a stumbling block. I am not trying to make excuses and I definitely made the choice to sin, but often that choice was made because I was either sexually and emotionally unfulfilled or was angry at you. Whether it was my SEXUAL FANTASIES or my DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR TOWARD YOU; almost always these were the backlash caused by your addiction. I came into this marriage with a strong sexual desire toward you and I still want sex with you even after all these years of pain. However it became too painful to think of you during sex because I knew you really didn’t want to be there; it was less painful to think of someone else. Likewise, I did not come into this marriage not respecting you. I was very proud of you, your character and your abilities. You are a very intelligent person and have some great qualities. Your sexual sin and lack of control and LACK OF DESIRE TO CHANGE that behavior, made me lose respect for you… so I began to treat you like a child or treat you with disrespect. I am not saying that my behavior was justified but only that your sexual sin was the main reason I lost respect for you. I hope you also realize that this respect can be regained. And you have been doing a great job trying to pull everything back to where it should be. My respect and wiliness to be submissive to you grows with each new day.

5. Your sexual sin and the impact it has had on our children. This is the most painful of them all. I am willing to bear the pain of my marriage but it is really hard when I see your sin and how it has impacted our children. This one is going to be hard for you to hear.

Our Son – I feel in several ways you failed to show your son what a real man is suppose to be. He was searching for a role model. How do I love a woman? How do I handle sexual temptations? What should I look for in a woman? How should I communicate with a woman? Am I a man, what does that mean? All these questions were left with fussy answers. He and our daughter knew you were into porn. They knew we had marriage problems, they saw me crying often enough. Why didn’t Dad grab mom once in a while and act like he wanted her? Why doesn’t Dad stand up and express his opinions? Why does Dad stay away and hide in the basement so much? Are my parents going to get a divorce? All these questions must have gone through his mind. Now I know that our son made his own choices when he chose to sin sexually with his girlfriends, even to the point of living with his current fianc’, but might he have chosen differently if he had had a father who handled his sexual needs biblically? All I can say is we can make a difference from this point on in his life. You have the chance to answer those questions even now. You can still be a role model of what Biblical sexuality is and a Biblical marriage. I think you need to take an active part in answering these questions and discussing this with him.

Our Daughter – This one is hard. Hard because the effect is more subtle but not any less severe. I think she has a hard time being intimate, especially physically even though they are newly weds. She has seen a lot of my pain and I am sure she had been thinking: I will never let myself be that vulnerable. I love him, but… I am going to protect myself. I pray our daughter will know what it is to love unconditionally. To love and be self-less, thinking of her husbands needs and not her own. The example we set as a couple, in our lack of communication, our dysfunctional sex life, weak faith and so on, will definitely have an effect on our children’s interactions with their mates. If only we had learn what we know now 20 years ago! I also think it is going to take time to earn back your children’s respect. I feel the more you share about your problem and it’s successes the more respect you will earn.

Another area was your unwillingness to disciple the kids. You even spoke of it tonight in our conversation, and felt your sexual sin had changed your personality and you had retreated and were not the father you could have been. Whether it was discipline or having fun, sometimes you just avoided the kids. I think you were too caught up in yourself; whether selfishly fulfilling your needs, or feeling so much guilt that you just tuned out of their lives. Well we have lost those years, we can’t go back and discipline the kids but we can give advise and we can have fun and be encouragers to them. I can tell that you and your son’s relationship has really grown over the last month, I think in time both of the kids will get to know the REAL YOU and really have a richer life because of it. Sexual sin can be devastating; you have a chance to show them that the power of God can overcome anything. That is one of the most important lessons in life that you could teach them.

That’s all I am going to write. I have shot from the heart and exposed some pretty raw stuff. But I felt it was important for you to know the truth. It is hard to take correction, to look at the pain you have inflicted on others. I am so proud of you, that you are willing to listen and then try to change. Going to this conference has really proven to me you are sincerely desiring to change. That takes a very strong man, a very Godly man to take that step. I love you very much, I love the man you are right now (not just the man I hope you will become). I look so forward to us growing closer together.

Your loving wife.

After attending Every Man’s Battle, we strongly encourage you to attend our marriage program at our New Life Weekend
This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of
impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she
still may have.

The Courage to Come Out of Hiding

Sam Fraser

One of the consequences of the fall is that shame makes us hide. It is the natural outcome of eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. When we sexually act out, instead of turning to the Father and asking for help we run 180 degrees in the opposite direction. Moving out of the light to conceal our secret into the darkness to hide our shame and sin. We put on our fig leaves and hide our nakedness. We prefer the wilderness instead of remaining in the garden in His Presence. We know we have sinned and have done wrong and our first impulse is to hide. That is what shame makes us feel. We judge and condemn ourselves.

Then there is the self-talk: you did it again, how could you? Was it worth it, the bad feeling in the pit of our stomach? How dare you ask for forgiveness again? We can get depressed. We beat ourselves up. Often many of us will essentially voluntarily isolate ourselves, feeling unworthy and deserving of banishment. Our sex drive seems impossible to overcome. As rebellious reprobates, we deserve judgment and punishment for our failings and shortcomings. So we feel we have no other choice but to do what Adam and Eve did–we’re naked so we hide and cover ourselves. We stay exiled, self-imposed. Because of our shame we feel we have no other place to turn. Even though we know there is good news because of what Jesus has done on the cross, it no longer seems to apply. We may feel that we have already used up all of the grace from what Jesus had done on the cross. Even though mentally we know this is not true, it feels like it is true.

Let’s spend some time unpacking that spiritual truth in this context because what good is this truth if we can’t apply it to real life situations? And this qualifies as a real life situation. It takes trust to believe that we are forgiven. That this latest acting out or series of failures is under the blood as well. Particularly after we have failed for the umpteen thousand millionth time. The audacity to believe that God’s love for us can once again be extended to us takes real bravery of the most spiritual kind. It takes trust that His love is still greater than our self-condemnation. It takes faith that this is true. We know that mentally, but to let it minister to our hearts is more difficult.

For some of us, we can accept that the Lord has forgiven us. We can believe that alone with the Lord, but to share it with someone else can be frightening. It takes courage to once again confess our acting out and the resulting shame and humiliation time after time. Feeling hopeless and full of despair we often prefer to quit than to open up to someone else and risk humiliation. We feel like quitting since there is nowhere to turn, and we can’t seem to resist this powerful drive. We may feel that there is no hope, and we are to remain as an outcast. We can play church, but as a hypocrite, in our shame and guilt, concealed by our fig leaves. To be exposed in our naked state and remain there takes courage of the most spiritual kind.

We need to realize that we have gone as far as we can alone by ourselves in isolation. We have to choose disclosure. The isolation of trying to wrestle with this issue alone only result in more of the same, bondage. We have to come out of hiding. It is important to find other men that will provide a safe compassionate place for us to confess our sin and shame and allow them to be Jesus with skin on for our repentance. Being associated with Every Man’s Battle, the workshop, we have seen over and over again the power of God being ministered one to another because of the fellowship that takes place there. The information and tools that can help us move into recovery is important. But by far the most common feedback we get is how powerful it is to be in the fellowship of other men who struggle with this same issue. The experience of being with other men who love God and love their wives and at the same time are shamed by this bondage is extremely salutary. Almost to a man the report is that they thought they were the only one. The healing power of being in the presence of other men and finding a common bond in the sharing the shame and humiliation of this addiction and having other men confirm their own struggle is very redemptive.

It is sin that many of us act out in isolation, or if it is acted out with someone else, we dare not share with people who care about us. It is a precarious situation. There are men and groups that can offer that place of mercy and compassion. We may have to spend some time and energy to seek out these individuals or groups. Sex addicts need the body of Christ for support and encouragement to experience victory. At this point we cannot do it alone anymore. My prayer is that you will find such a place. If you cannot, maybe the workshop is the place to start. There is also a roster of men that have been to Every Man’s Battle, the workshop who are willing to make themselves available for contact. You can also call 1-800- NEW LIFE to find other resources.