Defining Ourselves Differently

Its Sunday, and the Every Mans Battle workshop ended just a few hours ago. One of the guys said before he left:

“Today I choose to live as a son, no longer in the shame of my addiction but in the freedom of what Jesus has done for me.”

His perception of himself shifted this weekend. He arrived defining himself as the sum total of his bad choices. He left acknowledging that he has done a bunch of really bad things, yet that’s not who he is. Or better said; Whose he is. He was able to see that the very fact that he had done so many bad things was indicative of his need for a savior. And not just to remove guilt, but to confirm belonging. He belongs to Jesus. In Christ we find the truth that we are dearly loved and infinitely valuable.

Does all this mean he isn’t responsible for the pain he’s caused? No. Does it guarantee he’ll never do it again? No. Does it mean his marriage will be restored? Not necessarily.

But it does mean that he can stop hating himself. It does mean he can stop trying to perform his was into a deeper relationship with Jesus. And the byproduct of those 2 things alone often result in less acting out. The downward spiral is coming screeching to a halt and a new, redemptive ripple effect is beginning.

And that’s just 1 guy!

I love these weekends.

How I Handle Temptation

I was tempted to look at porn this morning.

As part of my job, I regularly read articles about sexual integrity issues and how culture is influencing our sexuality. Every so often I get slimed by an article that takes WAY too much liberty in what it shows in the form of video clips and pictures. By “slimed”, I mean blasted with pornographic material I did not ask for. They could prove their point with substantially less footage. That happened this morning.

An article I clicked on had a tantalizing video that I was tempted to click on. I did not click it. I hovered the mouse button over it for a second or two, but ultimately chose a different route.  I thought it might be helpful for some guys to know what that process of choosing a different route looked like. At least, looked like this time. Its certainly not the same every time. Here’s how it went…

1 – Recognize How I Rationalize (rationalize = Rational Lies): these are the reasons I come up with to justify my sin. It sounds like this in my head – “this video isn’t that bad, its right on the line”, “its part of my job, I have to see this stuff”, “nobody will know, so no big deal”.

2 – Refute the Rational Lies – this is talking myself through the truth and grounding myself in reality – “everyone who matters will eventually know; the truth always comes out”, “you will literally lose everything that is meaningful in your life over 1 click and a stupid video”, “ this is meaningless and completely unsatisfying and you’re only going to compound the already crappy feelings you’re experiencing”.

3 – Physical Move – I had to push back away from my desk, away from my computer. I needed a physical change of posture to reorient myself. It is almost symbolic; a literal backing away translates to a mental and emotional backing away.

4 – Diagnostics – Taking a few minutes to diagnose what I am feeling and why. This morning I felt disappointment due to the fact that all 3 of my kids are sick, and someone in our house has been sick since Christmas. It has been very difficult. I also felt misunderstood this morning, based on conversations Shelley and I had over the weekend.

I also had to assess which of the 3 I’s (Insignificance, Incompetence, Impotence) may have been tapped. This morning it was Impotence – meaning, powerlessness. I feel completely powerless over my kids’ health and over my wife’s stress.  I also felt helpless to get a break; people are counting on me as a counselor today and I can’t just cancel my day and go into hiding.

 5 – Do Something Meaningful – it helped me to switch gears and actually do something meaningful. That happened to be responding to an email from someone looking for help. I believe one of the key reasons guys get trapped in things like pornography is they don’t know what they’re living for.  If we don’t have something to wake up for, we’ll medicate having to wake up for nothing.

6 – Connect – As much as I wanted to isolate and pretend the temptation, the close call, and the small victory never happened, it did. And someone needs to know. They need to know I’m struggling, and be present with me in that pain and those triggers. They also need to about that immediate victory, to celebrate with me and encourage me. We preach this all the time at the Every Mans Battle Workshops; connection, accountability and relationship. So, I texted a few guys; they responded within minutes with prayer, encouragement and a reminder that I’m loved. It’s a sweet thing to give Jesus a chance to show up through people. Maybe if he wanted to be the only one through whom God’s mercy flowed, he would’ve stuck around a little longer, rather than delegating to the disciples.

7 – Stay in the Fight – meaning that temptation didn’t come, then go, and now its all good times and happy. It stuck with me through the day. I had to stay in the fight, deal with my emotions in healthy ways, stay connected with people, remain present in my life, and keep my guard up. Temptation is rarely one and done.

Afflicted for Our Good

A quick devotional thought to start the week-

Could it be that God afflicts us, or perhaps allows us to be afflicted, for our own good? But what good? How could good come from the destruction and hopelessness that plagues so many guys struggling with sexual sin? And further, how could good come to the wives of those men?

I think God wants us to learn for ourselves what value there is in his Word, decrees and laws. I don’t know about you but I seem to learn more from my mistakes than my successes. When I bump up against something that seems like sandpaper on my soul, it stings. It is abrasive. It’s painful.

And I learn where the margins are. Don’t you?

We learn how our sin impacts us. We learn how it impacts others. We learn how it grieves the heart of God. Ultimately, without that abrasiveness, we might end up even further off the rails. I look back today and know that my addiction was the tool/affliction God allowed to help me see my need for Him. I mean really see it. And for Shelley, she would say that my addiction was the best thing that’s happened to her. Today she knows herself, God and me in more intimate ways than ever before.

God may just love us enough to allow us to put our hand on the hot stove. Perhaps in his sovereignty he knows exactly what we need to turn back to him.

Questions:

1 – Can you see the potential for your affliction to draw you closer to God? If not, why? If so, how?

2 – Are there places in your life, other than sexual sin, where you feel like you are being afflicted?

To do’s:

Prayer::  It seems only prudent to pray for God to remove the affliction and let us have a break. After that, let’s pray for God to teach us about His righteousness, His decrees and His faithfulness right in the middle of our afflictions.

Connection:: Talk with your connections/accountability partners/Sustained Victory guys about how you feel afflicted. Ask for their input on changing your perspective; see if they can help you identify places to learn and grow, rather than be bitter, resentful or just simply resigned.