Trust is destroyed at our wives’ expense, trust is rebuilt at our expense.
There is no other way. If you want to rebuild trust in your relationship you have to accept and adopt this simple truth. If you expect your spouse to work towards trusting you it will likely remain elusive. You won’t find what you’re looking for. We destroy trust by acting out sexually, responding in anger, entitlement and defensiveness, and failing to provide protection and security in our marriages. That all happens at the expense of our wives’ heart. It gets stomped on, shattered and broken into pieces. Their emotional accounts get overdrawn and carry negative balances.Their dreams get hijacked and happily-ever-after turns into sadly-painfully-what-has-been.
Too often I hear men demand that their wives trust them, or at least try to trust them, when the work of trust building has cost those men very little. If you are one of those men please understand it is not her responsibility and she is bankrupt; emotionally, mentally and possibly even spiritually.
It is going to cost you your privacy, your freedom, your entitlements, probably respect, perhaps your self-image, and definitely your right to be right. Trust building is expensive. It’s why so many guys bail on it. They don’t want to do the hard work of paying deposits into an overdrawn account when it is difficult to even get back to zero!
If you are in the process of rebuilding trust I urge you to figure out what expenses you’ll need to incur. Here are a few that I’ve seen in my office:
- full access to your business financial dealings
- full access to your Outlook Calendar
- giving up watching sports
- giving up fantasy football
- cutting back on TV
- letting your wife rummage through your wallet
- giving your wife your cell phone records
- surrendering and quitting your dream job
- selling your dream car
- cancelling your hunting trip
These are just a few examples. You’ll have to figure out which ones apply in your life. You may have to be creative here. Remember, if you want trust restored in your relationship, it is going to cost you. Trust is rebuilt at your expense, not hers.