TruthTelling

We all know telling the truth is a biblical imperative. Yet it seems like so many men struggling with sexual integrity issues have amnesia with respect to it. Telling a lie has become second nature to so many of us, we forget what the truth really is. In fact, we’ve become so adept at telling lies that we’ve convinced ourselves of half-truths. Sometimes we’re not even sure what the truth is because we’ve sliced and diced it so many ways. Sexual addicts, especially, live in a world where most things are polarized: either black or white, all or nothing, always and never. Except for the truth. The truth is always gray. Various shades of gray too; sometimes its a lighter shade. “Little white lies”, http://americandigest.org/truthlies.jpgif you will. At other times it is a very dark gray; heinous, harmful lies that cover up the things we’re most ashamed of.

Maybe you’ve never thought of it this way, but we’re close cousins to Satan when we operate like this. He had a knack for skewing the truth. “Did God really say…”, “If you truly are the son of God…”. He would twist things just enough to make the lie believable or truth seem unbelievable. Here are a couple of examples how that goes in real life:

  • MAKING THE LIE BELIEVABLE:  “I didn’t have an affair, I only kissed her”.

Here the adulterer plays on a common cultural idea of infidelity: sex is required to constitute an affair. That is total B.S. The lie in this case is dealing with semantics; what makes it an affair? It may have been an emotional connection; it’s an emotional affair. It may have been hand-holding; it’s a physical affair. It may have been sex: it’s an emotional and very physical affair.

  • MAKING THE TRUTH SEEM UNBELIEVABLE:  “I can’t believe you would accuse me of doing ______!”

This one comes up when a man has acted out sexually in a way he can hardly believe, and his wife has busted him. In fact I’ve seen men busted for porn on the home computer and blame it on their teenage son. I’ve seen a man caught with a mistress and try to deny it right in front of his wife’s face. “I can’t believe you would accuse me of having an affair with my secretary! This was a business lunch. What’s wrong with you that you would think such a horrible thing?”

Both of these examples are outright lies. They do damage to both the liar and the one lied to.

If we’re ever to get free of these issues and/or rebuild a broken relationship we must learn to tell the truth. At all costs. There are 3 people in particular that we have to begin telling the difficult truth to:

1 – Ourselves. If you have trouble dealing in truth with yourself, I urge you to do 2 things. First, write it down. When you are questioned about something or you are being asked for specific details of your life, write down your response. Analyze it on paper, not in your head. Then, second, share that with an accountability partner and ask for feedback. When it’s out of your head, on paper, and in front of someone you trust you are a step closer to the truth.

2 – God. We all lie to God. And we know it. In my life it takes the form of minimization; I’ll downplay what I’ve done thinking maybe He won’t be as disappointed. Newsflash: He knows everything!  When we are partially honest with God we only partially receive His forgiveness and love. We have to be fully, painfully honest with Him before we’ll allow ourselves to receive what He is offering. We can never fully accept acceptance until we’re fully known.

3 – Spouses. The mantra I’ve adopted is this:“I’d rather lose you, than lie to you.” It means I’ll tell the truth even when it hurts. Even if it means I cannot control the outcome or dictate the consequences. She deserves the truth. Period.

If you are still covering something up with lies, even little things, you’ll never find the freedom you’re looking for.

 

15 thoughts on “TruthTelling

  1. Another good blog thanks for everytime you post these God is certainly using you… Just a sidenote B.S. is a term that should not be used I find it somewhat offensive

      • I’m not trying to be on any high horse and I don’t think it says anywhere in the bible where once we become men we can start talking like the world(not saying he was) just telling you what I believe and I enjoy his blogs and if i feel they get offensive to me then I think I should speak up or else I won’t be reading these blogs anymore…

        • Personally I enjoy it when Jason is candid and spells out what he thinks of that behavior. If you think that the letters BS is talking like the world than you have other issues to deal with and I encourage you to consider what Jason’s intent is here.

          • Hey Guys,
            Thanks for all the feedback! Part of our journey with Jesus is figuring out what we’re against, and it is also what we are for. The good news is we’re all on the same page when it comes to sexual purity: we’re against impurity and we’re for a life of integrity. Let’s continue to press on towards that prize!

    • Mark….was your “sidenote” really necessary? We choose to be offended at certain things. We need to get over it, mature…and just plain grow-up!

  2. I am a wife who has been devastated by my husband’s long time porn addiction as well as a several week long sexual affair. We are in counseling and working hard at getting through this. My husband seems to be sincerely remorseful and regretful, and is doing everything he can to show that he is now honest and faithful. He read Every man’s Battle and says it helped immensely. I don’t know if he reads these blogs, but I hope he does, because I think the information and support is amazing, and I just want to say thank you for sharing your mistakes and your pain, because others are being helped. I just want to encourage all the men out there to stay strong and keep fighting for purity, and for your marriage. Stay strong, and God bless you.

  3. Hi Trisha,
    I’m so sorry for the devastation you’ve experienced. I’m glad that you guys are in counseling and are headed down a path towards healing. If he hasn’t already, he should definitely attend an EMB. The weekend could catapult the process forward for you guys.
    Thank you for your encouragement!

    Jason

  4. Hi. 12 yrs. ago my husband had an affair with a girl at work for 6 weeks until her husband hired a private investigator. I just had my 2nd child at that time when he told me or shall I say our pastor and him told me(2 yr. old and week old baby) My husband was forced to tell me or he would call me. He claimed to end it but a few weeks later I found he was still in contact. We did counseling and i feel we or at least I healed and completely forgave him all those years later. We now have 5 children the youngest 6. Well, here we are again. Since summer he’s been hiding text msg.s and I found some texts, one saying i love you. it’s been a month now and he still will not share the truth, says he’s been helping some woman how is heartbroken that her kids are now out of the house, yet as his wife I see his anxiety, fear, tears anger all over his face. He says he wants to stay in the marriage, however, even though we’re in counseling (twice so far) he still chooses to protect her and her family. He says, he doesn’t want to get into all that mess or cause trouble for her or her family. Ugh! What about me? Heartsick. Do I just keep doing my part, being the best I can, praying non-stop, and let the counseling and God to the work of getting this shared? I’ve brought it up maybe twice a week since a month, carefully and he refuses to say anything. Not sure of my direction here.It is killing me. Thanks

    • Hi Pam,
      Oh my goodness….how frustrating, sickening and heart breaking. To be in this place again is incredibly devastating. And the responsibility of the children can cause a wife in your shoes to feel so trapped. It’s a terrible corner to be backed into. Here are a couple of thoughts for you…
      First, you must have support. I encourage you to invite close friends into the loop and make sure they know the situation. Be sure you have people to lean on in the event you have to implement strong boundaries. So many wives are going it alone, and it doesn’t have to be this way. Many wives in your shoes, meaning the 2nd go ’round, are too embarrassed to tell people for fear of rejection. They’re afraid friends will just say, “I told you so; should’ve left him years ago”. Let those people close to you know that you aren’t wanting advice so much as support.
      Second, I definitely would NOT encourage you to just grin, pray and bear it. This needs to be out on the table and dealt with. Urge him to get to an EMB. Ask the counselor to initiate full disclosure which requires your husband to write out the entire story of his infidelity. Insist on an open access policy where any text, email or voicemail can be listened to. If your husband refuses any of this then he is clearly hiding something, and you deserve to know what it is. Hopefully your counselor can help you determine boundaries at that point.

      I’m sorry you are facing this again. It is NOT okay.

      Jason

      • Thanks Jason, I appreciate your insight and direction. I will urge him to get Every Man’s Battle. We did just buy the teen dvd for our son who has been looking at online pornography. I will get the counselor to initiate full disclosure. I asked him for disclosure so I could heal, but he continues to refuse, so I told him that either one of us leaves until he chooses to allow our marriage to heal by being honest and truthful. He still came home the next day as if nothing happened. Will heed your advise. Thanks so much. Pam

        • Well…counselor asked my hubby to share truth on paper or whatever way he can. He refused and denies anything went on. He also refuses to share the name of the texting person involved as he says, he doesn’t want to put her and her family through any hassle/trouble. So…counselor says we’re at a stand still and is working on me only. Wants me to pray that the Lord reveals and work on my husband and my relationship. Some days fine, and some I am ripping inside with hurt, anger. So….is this really what faith is, to do my part and let the Lord reveal and soften my husbands heart? It seems that my husband thinks he is in the right as the counselor wanted me to let go of wanting to know the womans’ name because he said nothing went on. So..I’m to accept his answer as truth and let hte Lord reaveal is there is something going on. Just some insight on your end please. Thank you.

          • Hi Pam,
            Well, it seems that you are in a quagmire. He won’t take the steps necessary, your counselor can’t twist arm and you can’t demand anymore than you already have. All that is left is for you to work on you and surrender him to God. I urge you to get to Women in the Battle, get plugged into a support group/system and press into what God wants to do inside you. You need not make any decisions about the future right now; those things will become evident as you continue to grow. For so many wives in your shoes it is painful and feels somewhat helpless to surrender their husbands. But, when you’re stuck as you’ve described, there is little more you can do. Just focus on working on you.

  5. Hey Jason, Just an update. The Lord did reveal another woman. He’s been with her 1 1/2 years, knew her from the local restaurant where he worked for 13 yrs. I filed for divorce after he conned me approx. 10 times of me forgiving and trusting that it was over this past summer. Very sad. Our kids see right through him and often give me a kick in the but to set me onto clear thinking. I’ve got an amazing counselor and great support from my Christian friends. I am looking into Women In the Battle this Spring. Thanks!-pam

    • Hi Pam, this is incredibly sad. I tell the men at the workshops over and over again that wives don’t typically leave upon disclosure. They typically leave when they find out there are more lies and secrets. I’m sorry you were backed into such a corner. Maybe this will be a wake up call to change his legacy.

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