by Stephen L. Cervantes
I would like to share some observations about men. Below are two observations for your consideration. First, have you noticed how some men have a healthy variety of adult males in their life? That is to say, some men have good male buddies.
- They spend time together.
- They periodically eat meals together.
- They may enjoy a boys-night-out occasionally.
- Those men talk, play and work together.
- As Christians, they may study their bibles together.
- Even if they don’t read scriptures together, they still strive to spur each other on to good works.
These relationships have quiet boundaries. Christian men have a sense of right and wrong. Relationships define who you are. When a man is in a relationship with a Godly, Christian brother, they call each other to a higher level.
There is a simple, unspoken truth among Christian men. That is, as Christian men we bridle our will, desires, and biological urges to act more Christ-like. If what you just read makes sense, then you will agree with this statement. Men need good men in their lives. Or, said another way, good men make regular men better.
Here is my second and very different observation. If you went into a Men’s Club, you would see a room full of tables. Most tables would have just one man sitting by himself. He is there alone. He wants to be there alone. This is his private, alone, secret life. In most cases, male companionship is the farthest thing from his mine. Think about this image. It is a wonderfully descriptive metaphor for an unbalanced male life. It is the picture of a man sitting alone looking for the perfect female. He believes that a fantasy female will ultimately make him happy, satisfied and content. If you asked, you would quickly find out that that the men sitting alone at those tables have no solid male friendships.
Those men have decided their greatest needs can be fulfilled with the ultimate sexual fantasy experience. The dilemma of the fantasy female solution is that she does not exist. Those men return week after week to pursue their fantasy. He sits alone. He has a thrill provided by a stranger. His body responds with excitement. The response is short lived. However, with each fantasy thrill, his spirit shrivels up. At the end of the evening he is still alone. He has grown, but his growth just means more sexual fantasy thoughts. He does not end the evening being built up. He is not strengthened in his manhood. He is, if anything, a weaker man. Fantasy is ultimately followed by restless discontent.
Here are some conclusions I have reached.
The first group of men are practicing true growth and intimacy.
- They seek to build relationships with other men.
- They know they need good men in their lives to help bridle and shape their manhood.
The second group of men are misusing their sexuality.
- They are pursing a fantasy female experience when they should be growing healthy male relationships.
- Real men practice real intimacy, not false intimacy. Pursuing inappropriate sexual fantasy thoughts is pursing false intimacy.
What is the difference between these two pictures? The first man is growing healthy relationships with other men. He probably goes home to his wife and enjoys friendship, conversation, and healthy sexuality. The second man is shriveling up in his manhood. He is often the man who is emotionally under-developed and under-involved with other men. He is stuck in adolescent thinking. He believes a sexual rush will make him complete as a man. I believe there are a bunch of Christian men who are living dangerously close to this second example. They may not go to Men’s clubs. However, they run plenty of sexual fantasies in their head all day long. They are under-involved with other good men. They push their sexuality beyond the intended purpose. They misuse their sexuality in ways God never intended.
I believe many men were shaped in their youth with unhealthy sexual perceptions. They picked up the belief in their mind’s eye that they must always be looking for the perfect female for the perfect fantasy. Further, they believe having the perfect sexual experience will make them a whole, complete man.
You many be asking, ‘Why is this discussion important?’ I would like to challenge men to review their thoughts. If you are wasting time with female fantasies it is time to stop. Please consider this thought. You do not need to practice any more fantasy thoughts. Rather, you need to invest in stronger Christian male relationships. Most men have a significant need for deep male friendships.
The solution to being a better man is not found in private, sexual, fantasy thoughts. Rather, you need stronger male relationships – not more inappropriate sexual thoughts.
My goal for this article was to challenge your thinking. I hope that was accomplished. If so, to God be the glory.
For more help on this topic see our Resources for Men and join us for an Every Man’s Battle weekend.
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July 30, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Thank you so much for the courage to write this article. i have given it to my husband so he hears from a man what I have been trying to show him for years.
Yes, God be given the glory. We know that without Jesus we are without hope.
I pray my husband will read this and then act on it quickly.
October 16, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Nice article. However, my husband is a narcisist/perfectionist and has no real friends. He struggles with relationships and no one is “perfect” enough for him. We are struggling in our marriage and due to his behaviors many of my friends no longer come around. I do feel that he has the traits of the second man in your article. As he does not work at relationships. Rather, I feel that he is looking for what he can quickly get out of it. Then he moves on to other things, to bring himself pleasure.
January 5, 2011 at 10:33 am
Interesting article. I’m in the group that doesn’t go to the club – but also doesn’t seek male friendships. I have mail acquaintances, but none are close and while we discuss religion we don’t share faith with each other. To be truthful, I don’t know that I want to be around practicing Christian men. The men at my church just don’t seem to be anything like me. I don’t trust them, it just seems like they try too hard to be regular guys. No comfort level there at all . I don’t know how I could ever trust any Christian men, even though I do have faith in God.
January 17, 2011 at 6:48 am
Amazing article. I’m fairly recently-retired military and moved out northeast to be with my long-time girlfriend. I’m also a Christian who struggles with internet porn. I have very few friends yet here, and tend to be a hermit who stays at home, which is one of my great downfalls. I know that God has been giving me hints that I need to join a church and find some good, strong Christian-based male friendships; but it is so much easier said than done. I do agree with DB above to a point, that it is difficult to find guys whom with to really connect on an interpersonal level. I, too, am wary of the men who put up a front that they can’t let go of, whether it be at church or sitting back drinking a cold one. These are the men, in my opinion, who have not come to terms with who they are and have not accepted their weaknesses in true humility.
Being a pretty sincere, honest guy who is in touch with my issues, I need like-minded men who can break down and talk about their issues from the heart; it is not easy to find them. Men, in general, do not let their guard down like women and say what they’re feeling. Boy, let me tell you, I’m craving that connection with other men deep within my heart so much that right now I have tears in my eyes. Thank you for reminding me of what God has been hinting to me for some time.
January 25, 2011 at 11:04 pm
Have you heard of the Group Poll? Google it, church is the most unfriendly place to be….It’s Islam for me, the brothers are more sincere and truly committed to each other.
April 20, 2011 at 9:05 am
my husband has had 6 nyears sobriaty from porn. we have been growing in the Lord and in our relationship; however he has not been able to maintain a physicall relationship with me. he never initiates nor talks about sex, unless I do.He says he is interested but does not act on it. what could be the problem?
September 9, 2011 at 1:27 pm
I have heard this message over and over from New Life radio show hosts to go and develop strong male friendships as a solution to many issues. Easier said than done…. I believe that the New Life Radio show hosts have a major blind spot in this area. The hosts of this show are outgoing extroverts, for whom chatting up with random folks and developing friendships comes naturally. If they did not have these inborn talents, they would not be running a ministry.
They almost always overlook the fact that many of us are introverts, some more than others. Relationships are not easy for us, We develop anxiety, if we happen to stumble into a group of more than 2 people. Extroverts like the hosts of this show get energized by chatting up with people, It may be hard to believe that we introverts get exhausted after a 5-10 minute conversation.
It takes years for us Introverts to develop genuine friendships where we can freely share our struggles without fear of judgement. I have really tried hard to develop friendships with other men in my church, but it has turned out to be an impossible task, I always end up hearing that my so called “friends” are planning trips, vacations and activities together and I never get invited. This makes me so mad.
My theory behind this is that healthy and normal people can spot broken & introverted people like me mile away and they do everything possible to avoid us.
So the next time you folks go and tell a caller to go get healthy male friendships, spare a thought to the fact that the caller may be an introvert and it is not easy for him to develop relationships like you do