Audio: Download and Listen
Topics: Marriage, Sexual Integrity, Forgiveness, Grief
Hosts: Steve Arterburn, Dr. Sheri Denham, Milan Yerkovich
Caller Questions:
- My husband won’t go to counseling. Shall I divorce him?
- How do I force my husband to go to Every Man’s Battle?
- I forgave my friend and he lost respect for me.
- Why would our pastor tell my husband to take time for himself and not work on us?
- My husband’s adult daughter died and now there are problems in our marriage.
Suggested Resources:
Healing Is a Choice
How We Love
Walking Into Walls
Link to New Life Live: February 9, 2012
February 9, 2012 at 10:13 am
Caller #1 you really need to get a grip, your husband does not want to get back with you, he is indeed hiding something from you and you are in denial. You must get over it and get on with your life. I mean come on, you must have something worthy of living for without him. Keep the faith and get your life together and move on sister, you’ve done your part–now live!!!
February 9, 2012 at 10:26 am
caller # 2 – Lord knows I know about pain in relationships, but ladies, ladies please, pull up the big girl bloomers and put your head up and stop taking NO and other bull crap from these men. Yes, love hurts, love also feels good, so find a happy medium and stop allowing men to walk all over you. Remember this, a person will only get away with what ever you allow them to…no holds barred! God is good all the time, we can do it with him, we can not do it without him…Truly.
February 11, 2012 at 11:25 am
Caller #2, Carolyn:
Take heart. Just a few short weeks ago I was where you are. I want to encourage you to find your backbone, your voice and make the bold move. I took a good, pragmatic look at my marriage and family and decided I didn’t want a marriage like mine: My husband being a porn user, emotionally distant to me and our 3 children (10,14,18), arrogant and aloof. So decided to be firm, assertive, make my ultimatum and take the risk. (listening to New Life Live has been a huge help) So, I wrote up an outline on how I was going to confront my husband. In this outline was the alarming statistics about porn, why it is so damaging to marriages and his spiritual health. I had my counselor help me with the verbiage (it was pretty hostile in places). So with a healthy mix of anger, compassion, confidence and love, I confronted my husband. I told him how I want a God glorifying, passionate, happy marriage with HIM but the road we were on would not lead us there. I assured him of my love for him and promised to be his biggest cheerleader. I admitted I brought unhealthy baggage into the marriage that has been hurtful and I am willing to look in the mirror, so-to-speak. I told him he will start his treatment with EMB, and continue treatment that includes marriage counseling with me. I also told him if he was not willing to do these things then he would have to move out until he came up with a plan to restore our marriage. He was stunned and at first defensive and angry. But you know what? He is at EMB right now while I am typing this! He has thanked me for my courage and asked me for forgiveness. In the days before he left for EMB he seemed to be walking on air. I know we have a difficult road ahead but we are now on a different path. My husband want to be married to me and is willing to work. Caroline, you have a right to know where your husband stands. So, Caroline make a choice. Like Milan said, you are taking a risk-your husband may not choose you. But, do you want to remain in your marriage the way it is? I will pray your husband wants to choose you and be willing to get help for his porn problem and work on your marriage with you. So sorry for your heartache and pain.
February 16, 2012 at 5:10 pm
Thank you Java for your encouragement and outline suggestions. And thank you for sharing your story with me.
February 9, 2012 at 11:38 am
Guys, I find it hard to understand why you assume that everyone who looks at porn is automatically an ‘addict’. Isn’t that being a little harsh?
February 11, 2012 at 7:07 pm
May be a little. Women need to start being selfish like the guys and look at whatever they want and then brag about it, (like guys do) and not care about the feelings of their partners.
February 12, 2012 at 6:30 am
Now things are starting to make sense. You are in my prayers, Pat.
February 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Hey Steve Arterburn, I think it’s time you stopped nagging Dr. Sheri about writing a book, it’s starting to become annoying. How many times in your many years of counseling have you seen nagging work, especially when it’s done in public. When she’s ready to write a book she’ll write a book, maybe she’ll never write a book, so what. She has great insight and offers good advice way more often than not, isn’t that what really counts? Maybe if you stop pressuring her, she’ll surprise you one of these days.
February 9, 2012 at 4:11 pm
Amen. Not everyone wants to work all the time. Writing a book is like a second job if it is going to be done well. One job is enough for most of us because there are so many other things we want to do besides being productive.
February 11, 2012 at 9:59 am
Robin, you seem to be quite on a roll with judging harshly. You sound angry.
February 11, 2012 at 7:31 pm
Perhaps a tad harsh since it wasn’t balanced with the same amount of warm fuzzies and patience. But Sana, before you coldly make a snap decision about someone being angry, let me explain why women are angry. For many people, including myself, STUPIDITY makes me angry. It is difficult to hear so many people in their 40s and 50s who have not thought about or dealt with their issues, values, being responsible, or their own growth as an individual. They cause their own crisises and continue to walk into the same walls, since they never thought about it the first time they hit a wall. This is all part of growing up, but I’m not sure what many people were doing during these years. Maybe they were high.
Many times women are angry at themselves for wasting so many years being dependent on a man, because they were raised to think that is the way it is done Then the selfish man walks away since the selfish woman has been allowed to become so needy, she relies on him for everything, including validating her self esteem. Now the woman has no clue what happened but is angry at herself for not doing things differently. She wasted years doing tasks, and perhaps unecessary nurturing in a relationship with a person who never had the same values she did. All along, she may have thought being a good wife was some sort of safety insurance of being taken care of. Does this make sense? This is what I’ve observed.