New Life Live: June 9, 2015

Topics: Marriage, Grief, Suicide, Teens, Avoiders, Christian Walk
Hosts: Steve Arterburn, Dr. Dave Stoop, Dr. Jill Hubbard

Caller Questions:

  1. How should I respond to my husband when he does not take responsibility for his actions?
  2. I need help to grieve my life dreams.
  3. Why does one teen suicide lead to others?
  4. My husband is a policeman and will not talk about why he is unhappy; what can I do?
  5. I have an upcoming court date; will God or the judge dictate the outcome?

Suggested Resources:
7 Minute Marriage Solution
Healing Is a Choice
Secrets Women Keep
Forgiving Our Parents
How We Love

Here is the Women in the Battle workshop testimony Steve read on the radio today:

I have felt so alone, lost in my pain, and just been migrating from one thing to the next task-in a trauma-induced state. I have been unable to “process” anything. I have felt lost, even suicidal. This weekend has been safe and so reassuring that I am not the only one who has lived or is living with a sexually addicted spouse. It has been a blessing to have carved-out this time with the small group and counselor. We could share without distractions and interruptions. WITB and EMB are tremendous tools and blessings. I leave here with tools and understanding of getting centered and less emotionally sad—and more anger so I can deal specifically with issues. I have been able to find my voice which was lost long ago—and to work on a plan for my safety and sanity. To any woman considering this weekend, I would tell her GO!! Do anything to be attend.  – Lisa

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  1. Geri June 9, 2015 at 12:16 pm - Reply

    I am listening to your program on June 9th @ 1215 MST and you just spoke with a wife of a police officer. This situation is identical to mine with my husband. Your husband is obviously depressed and sounds like mine 13 years ago. He did finally get on medication after the physician diagnosed him with depression after a traumatic work event. He went to a psychaitrist then and was diagnosed with PTSD. He denied it for 10 years until he finally “hit the wall” responding to domestic violence, suicides and major traffic accidents. He suffered a complete mental breakdown and couldn’t function at all. This incident forced him to retire from police work, take anti-depressants and see a LPC every week. It’s a very long road!!! Heartbreaking, but I have always had his back and looked out for his best interest. PTSD has to be one of the most under-diagnosed disorders in first responders – mostly because their primary coping mechanism is DENIAL! I have recently decided that rather than try and solve his problems for him, I let him work through it with his counselor, I try and take nothing personally and I pray ALOT for healing within our family and I cry ALOT. Jesus has been faithful to us financially and spiritually and that has been a huge blessing. We are learning how to communicate effectively, grieve together and forgive one another for the past. A book I would suggest is: Loving Someone with PTSD by Aphrodite Matsakis PhD. It helps you figure out what your role is with your spouse/loved one…which is actively listen and ensure you understand what they are saying, which develops trust. Leave the counseling components to the professionals and just take it day-by-day. Healing comes and it takes quite a while, sometimes one step forward, 2 steps back. PTSD is intense spiritual warfare coupled with anger, anxiety, isolation, insomnia, night terrors, confusion/severe memory problems, not being able to bond with their own children, shame and grief. I would like to see more police departments deal with this very-real aspect of police work more effectively rather than ostracize those who have protected their communities for decades. I can imagine that many spouses of PTSD/trauma survivors give up and leave the marriage because the survivor becomes very self-focused and appears not to care about family matters or relationships. I am committed to my marriage despite sickness or health, poverty or wealth and I pray the Lord heals my husband completely. Blessings to all of you who suffer with this situation, God is with you always!

  2. Qichunhong June 9, 2015 at 11:21 pm - Reply

    How should I learn the knowledge?

  3. Anonymous June 11, 2015 at 7:08 am - Reply

    I just listened to your show today and in all the years of listening, I have never resonated more closely with a caller than I did the first lady who called in, describing the situation of her husband who never takes responsibility for anything. I live with the exact same type of man. It doesn’t matter what I say or how I say it, he is never at fault for anything. There is something fundamentally wrong with a person who cannot ever accept blame, but instead has to deflect it back on to everyone else through any number of techniques — speaking condescendingly, changing the subject to where you are now discussing something the other person did that provoked him or (in his mind) is “really the issue here,” and just in general making all discussions so intolerable that as a result, over the years, I, too, have shut down and developed a hardened heart, and we, too, have a total lack of intimacy. The truly ironic thing is, he is the king at mocking others (our kids) anytime they even TRY to wiggle out of taking responsibility for their actions for anything. Just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. And, you are probably not crazy either. I know I am not perfect, and I have made lots of mistakes. But I have always tried to be the bigger person, to initiate communication and forgiveness. There comes a time, though, when you just get tired of it. Soooo tired of it….

  4. Mark B June 11, 2015 at 10:09 am - Reply

    Just a perspective on the ring down the toilet matter – her ring is a “token” of his promises to her. She was saying that he could take his promises back (she probably felt that the promises were insincere at best). His action actually confirms that he holds no value in his own promises (marriage vows). The symbolism has become the reality.

  5. Kathleen June 11, 2015 at 12:16 pm - Reply

    In regards to your response to the wife whose husband is a cop. Your response seems very one sided and subjective. The outcry of many is not against cops in general but against “bad cops”. Whether you believe it or have experienced it or not “bad cops” do exist. And too many have been violated and even killed by them without a valid cause.

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