- Comment: Women In The Battle was a WOW weekend!
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- I am bipolar and unemployed for 6yrs; how do I stop feeling like God is against me and not for me?
- Will hypnotherapy help my husband work through childhood abuse that he doesn’t remember?
- My husband connected with a woman on a business trip; is it appropriate for me to check his email?
- What boundaries can I set for my 24yo controlling son?
- My 20yo son comes home angry from church; how should I respond?
- I have kids and am not married; how do I find a good man?
- Is it possible to forgive my husband and still set boundaries?
- What tips do you have for getting along with non-believers at work?
- After my husband’s affair 3yrs ago, how can I resolve my intimacy issues?
This three-day workshop is the place where more than 10,000 men have engaged in the battle to get back their sexual integrity. Includes biblically-based teaching and in-depth process groups led by licensed Christian counselors.
In talking to alumni over the past few weeks, the thing that seems to keep cropping up is, “It’s summertime, and the women are wearing less clothing. How do I deal with that?” This summer is the perfect opportunity to practice ‘bouncing the eyes’ as Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker wrote about in the ‘Every Man’s Battle‘ book.
First of all, what exactly is meant by ‘bouncing the eyes?’ Well, as those of you who have read the book will know, it’s not complicated, but it is extremely effective. Steve writes: “The problem is that your eyes have always bounced toward the sexual, and you’ve made no attempt to end this habit. To combat it, you need to build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from a hot stove. Let’s repeat that for emphasis: “When your eyes bounce toward a woman, they must bounce away immediately. . .”
If you bounce your eyes for six weeks, you can win this war. As I write this, it is the middle of July, which means there are six weeks left of summer. Coincidence? I think not!
First Step: Make a List of Your Enemies!
The first way to start, Fred tells us, is by making a list of your “greatest enemies”. These could be lingerie ads, either in a seemingly harmless department store catalog, or that Victoria’s Secret magazine that your wife left laying around. It could include billboards, it could be TV shows or ads, it may be female joggers, or maybe it’s that female co-worker who tends to dress a little suggestively. And then there’s always the beach.
Second Step: Set up a Battle Plan!
In any event, the second step is to set up a “battle plan”, a way you are going to get victory. Let’s look at each of our examples:
- If you are looking at a department store catalog, make a covenant with your eyes and with yourself that you will only look at men’s clothes, and then you will close it.
- And if Victoria’s Secret is an issue, simply ask your wife to be discreet with where she leaves it. She will respect you for being honest with her.
- If billboards are a problem on your drive into work, and an alternate route is out of the question, make a mental note of which streets or exits on the freeway the billboards falls between, and then as you approach that area, focus on something else; prayer, some verses you’ve memorized, or even something else near the road that is neutral.
- As far as the TV goes, use your TV guide, turn on one show that you know is safe, and don’t flip around during commercials. Or if you’re watching a ball game and the advertisements are the problem, have the remote handy, and when the commercials come on, go to a program that you have already designated as being safe.
- Joggers. Practice bouncing your eyes to the other side of the road, or straight ahead. It will be tough at first but if you continue to do it, it will get easier as time goes on.
- At work, again, practice bouncing the eyes onto something else when that female comes into your line of sight. Have a picture of your family at your work place. Pretend that your wife, or if you’re single, maybe Jesus, is sitting next to you at your desk or wherever you’re working.
- If you have a problem at the beach, don’t go, at least until you feel this part of your life is under control. There are other ways to have fun during the summer.
The above suggestions are admittedly not rocket science, but too many of us neglect them. Let’s use this summer as a way to get victory, not an excuse to act out. Make it a goal to be regularly bouncing your eyes by Labor Day. God will honor you for it.
For more help, see Every Man’s Battle. You can also call 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433)
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By Dr. Henry Cloud | Published December 29, 2012 | FoxNews.com
There are three areas in life where we make resolutions: clinical (how you feel), relationships (marriage, dating, family friends, work) and performance (dreams, goals, talents, accomplishments).
Many of us will make New Year’s resolutions in the next few days in one or more of these areas, but there’s a problem with those resolutions. Most of them will be based on will power, commitment, or trying to make better choices.
While commitment is important, it always fails without another ingredient: we have to develop the capacity to reach those goals. Research shows that people who succeed do so by opening themselves up to capacity building from the outside.
How do you get that capacity to succeed and make sure 2013 is not what I call a “groundhog year”?
When you put your New Year’s resolutions into your schedule, you have to figure out where the power drains and old patterns of failure come from and begin to say no.
You’re going to need two things: 1) a new energy source and 2) a structure or template to guide that energy. For example, if you want to stay on a diet, you need the energy of a support group and the structured guide of a program plan of diet and exercise. That kind of structure in any endeavor along with energy will close the gap. It can be a coach, a buddy system, an accountability partner, joining a program or reading new books—there are a million different ways to structure a growth pattern, you just have to get in one. Having said that, I’m going to give you a few more tips:
First of all, the biggest mistake people make is trying to accomplish the goal based on commitment and trying harder. That will fail.
Instead, get together with people who are already accomplishing what you want to accomplish. If you want to become healthy, you have to surround yourself with a group of people that are getting healthy and you have to be connected to a community that is doing what you want to do. That is why programs such as Weight Watchers, or other support communities are so powerful.
If you want to become more spiritual, you’ve got to get connected with a group of people that are growing in that area, instead of just thinking you will do it and sustain it on your own.
We know from research that growth is actually contagious so if you want to reach your goals, you’ve got to get around people that are going in the same direction you want to be going and you will catch the success. The data proves it.
Also, expect to fail. That’s right—both you and I—nobody gets it perfectly all the time. Here is what’s actually going to happen: you’re going to blow it!
If your resolution is to lose weight, there will be a time when you’re going to eat five days worth of Weight Watchers points in one day. Don’t interpret that as a horrible thing, that’s a normal part of the process.
The problem is that people blow it and then they feel bad about it. Then they go off and binge eat in order to get over feeling bad about it and then they drop their whole plan altogether.
Instead, when you blow it, accept your setbacks as normal.
Don’t use all or nothing thinking. Take each day as its own day and don’t worry about it if you mess up one day. The most important thing you can do is just get back up on the horse.
Remember: perfection goals fail, while “get better goals” succeed. Just do better tomorrow than you did today.
Next, ask yourself, “why hasn’t this worked before? How did I fail last year?” We don’t usually need new ways of failing; the old ways tend to work just fine.
Are there people that normally get you off track? Do you have trouble saying no? Do you fail one day, get discouraged and quit? Do you fail to protect the time you need in order to get things done?
I remember when I wrote my first book, “Changes that Heal,” I never could find a way to actually get it done. Then I thought to myself, “why have I not been able to do this before?” I had not been able to do it because I had never blocked off the time that I really needed to finish the project. So, I made a commitment and a priority that for the next six months from Friday when I got off of work at 5 o’clock until Monday when I went back to work that I would lock myself up and I would not do anything but work on my book. I had just one exception to the rule and that was that I’d let myself go out to dinner for two hours on Saturday evening. I said no to everything that would interfere with my plan and I had accountability with others.
You’ve got to set some boundaries to protect what you’re trying to build. When you put your New Year’s resolutions into your schedule, you have to figure out where the power drains and old patterns of failure come from and begin to say no. It’s important to create some very protective boundaries.
Another important item is to have sub-goals. You’re not going to lose 100 pounds immediately but what is your plan for tomorrow? Go on a 45-minute walk and work up a brisk sweat? Here’s an example of sub-goals: when I was writing my book, if the whole book was 100,000 words my goal for tomorrow might be to write 2,000 words.
If your resolution is to get out of debt, you can skip eating lunch out each day and start sending that money in to pay off credit card debt. Then, voila…in six months that credit card might be paid off. As you’ll begin to see, your daily goals help you fulfill your larger goal. Sub-goals are very, very important.
Lastly, also remember that the goals you choose are important, too. Some goals are not going to fulfill you. Choose goals that you value and care about.
Do all these things and I bet 2013 will be better than 2012.
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