A quick bit of info on motivation for recovery.
First, a note to husbands. Your wife probably doesn’t want to be your motivator to change. She wants you to change for you. And for God. It is way too much pressure for a wife to be the motivator. With that pressure, there is often a trap that wives feel caught in. On the one hand, some wives feel like they have to be the encourager or cheerleader, praising you for making meetings, counseling, etc. But that comes at a price; having to be the positive takes away permission to be angry, hurt, sad and disappointed. Without the freedom to feel this range of emotions the grieving process is stunted. In other words, when she has to be your cheerleader and feels like she can’t express this stuff she can’t heal.
On the other hand and different than the cheerleader, is the wife who feels like she has to stay angry and on your case. These wives feel like if they let up and give an inch of breathing room, you’ll take a mile. They often believe that if they aren’t holding you accountable for changing you’ll either go back to your acting out (at worst) or you’ll simply settle for a crappy status quo. Here again is a trap; well meaning wives who want to be encouragers to their husbands feel like they can’t or they’ll pay for it.
Either way, for your wife to be the motivaTOR is a bad thing. But, for her to be some part of your motivaTION is a great thing.
It’s fantastic that your wife is a motivation for you. This need not be vilified. The catch comes when she becomes the only motivation and/or you allow her to be the primary motivator.
Now a note to wives. There are a multitude of reasons for your husband to change. There are a number of different motivations which, at any given moment, may be at the top of the list. One morning you may be the motivation; earnestly striving to keep you and keep the marriage. That afternoon it may be his legacy to his kids. That night it may be because of what God is calling him to. The next morning it may be so he doesn’t lose his business. Another time it may be to simply keep you and any body else (his counselor, perhaps? ) off his case.
This is normal!
The merry-go-round of motivation is okay. Give him permission to be motivated by any and all these things, and be required to have the right motivation all the time. No, you should not be his motivator, but you can be some of his motivation. And listen, if you’re reading this thinking, “But Jason, if I don’t keep being his cheerleader, or keep being angry, then he’ll quit doing the work”, then you need to stop and let him.
Give him the power to either pull the ripcord and walk away (and yes, settling for mediocrity in a life of ‘just not acting out anymore’ is walking away), or to find new motivation. A different motivation. Sometimes this is simply a necessary part of the process, because both of you need to see him engage new motivations. I can almost guarantee that if you do ease up and he finds new motivation, works his recovery and strives to be who God is calling him to be you will respect him more in the end.
Certainly there are caveats and every situation is unique. My primary point is for husbands to do recovery in a way that wives don’t feel like they have to be the motivator, and for wives to give their husbands permission to be motivated by a multitude of things at different times.