Fragility or Fortitude

Fragility or FortitudeWhen wives share their triggers and the accompanying pain, their husbands are often hit with a tidal wave of shame. When hit by the tidal wave, it’s easy for husbands to feel overwhelmed and to buckle under it. Many husbands go back into that shame shell where they shutdown, get angry, lose empathy, etc. Continue reading

Satisfaction Guaranteed

One of the subtle realities of pornography, affairs, strip clubs and/or prostitutes is guaranteed satisfaction. Sure, we all know that in the aftermath of acting out there is zero satisfaction. But in the moment, the fix is real and never lets us down.

To explain further, remember that sexual acting out isn’t about sex. It’s about the emotional charge, the escape from reality and the offset to the longings of our soul. Where we feel overwhelmed we feel peace for a moment, where disconnected we feel a sense of belonging, where feeling criticized we feel appreciated, where minimized like we matter, helpless – powerful, failure – accomplishment. You get the picture. With a click of a button, a swipe of a screen, an email or a phone call we can instantly inject enough morphine into our system to numb the unpleasant present reality. Guaranteed. For a few moments.

But the real antidote to acting out is intimacy. There is actually a 1-for-1 offset that doesn’t often get spoken of. When you have a couple people (besides your spouse) in your life who you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, will be there for you, there is a direct offset to the sexual acting out. Will porn ever reject you at 2am? Nope. Is there someone you are 100% confident will answer your call if you ring them at 2am? If the answer is no, you’ll consistently revert back to the guaranteed hit.

Taking it a step further, sexual acting out provides a false sense of security. We know, even without thinking about it, we just “know” that it’ll be there for us. It’s been proven. Tested. Tried. There is no question. That sense of guarantee, where you know that you know that you know, that’s called security. Porn (for example) provides security. That’s kind of sick to think, isn’t it? Say it out loud and give it a test drive; see how it sits with you when you say: “Porn provides me security”. “Strip clubs provide me security”. “Masturbating gives me security”. Weird, right?

We need men in our lives who we know, that we know, that we know have our best interest at heart and will be there for us absolutely any time we need them. Hands down. They are on vacation…they’ll answer our call. Middle of a meeting at work…answer our call if its an emergency. 2am…groggy and halitosis, they’ll drive to the ends of the earth to help us.

Cultivate that, and I can almost guarantee you won’t need acting out anymore.