The Wife of an EMB Attendee
Bearing The Pain of my Husbands Sexual Sin
Today I was overwhelmed with despair. The multitude of failed attempts to overcome his sins, the vastness of the temptations that surround him, how could I ever trust him, find any peace or live with a man who would most likely continue to fail me. Tears flooding, strength zapped. What was God trying to teach me? What good was I doing in my current state? I was not a witness of Christ’s love or strength, and definitely not of His forgiveness!
Yet my sorrow must have a lesson for me, what am I not learning?
“I bore all this pain, this despair” I heard Christ whispering in my ear. “I already have felt your grief, your hopelessness – why do you wish to bear it too?” “I not only felt and suffered for your husband’s sins but also suffered the ramifications it has had on you?” “Do you hear me, are you listening?” “Give me your suffering, I can bear it, for I already have, Jesus said to me.” “Do not take on this burden, for it is not yours to bear.”
I could barely grasp what God was saying. Was he telling me I didn’t need to suffer the consequence of my husband’s sins? How far, how many of these consequences would Christ take-on for me, (literally remove from me); my sense of abandonment & despair, my poor self-esteem, my loss of power and peace?
I had always known that God took away my sins and could give me joy when my sins were forgiven. But this was different. Could he take on the aftermath: the pain, humiliation, and despondence that I was suffering from my husband’s sins?
Why wouldn’t He, I asked myself? Do I deserve this? Is this my lot in life for making poor choices? No! No! I heard screaming in my heart, God wants me to be at peace in all circumstances.
DO YOU KNOW SO LITTLE ABOUT MY LOVE, Jesus said? Did I abandon Daniel in the lion’s den? Did I not comfort Paul when he was in prison? Was I not there when Saul pursued David and sought to kill him? God wants to comfort me! God wants to bear my agony! God wants to give me hope when I feel hopeless!
Is it pride or ignorance, I asked Jesus? Has pride or a lack of knowing who you are kept me from this truth? I must continually dwell on your sacrificial love. I must seek with my whole heart, mind and soul to know you better, as if it were the very air I breathe, the substance that keeps me alive. For you my God, are my substance, my only source for true peace.
Oh, how the devil wishes to keep me down, keep me from knowing you fully! What sufferings have I bore needlessly!
How do I claim this prize, this peace, Jesus? It is so vast and hard to comprehend; can I retain it, draw from its power when I am feeling desperate? Help me God, I don’t even know what powers you have for me to use, let alone know how to use them! Don’t let me forget this lesson; that YOU, JESUS, WANT TO BEAR MY PAIN WHEN OTHERS HURT ME, AND REPLACE IT WITH YOUR PEACE AND POWER!
This weekend will help your marriage to heal from the wounds of
impurity and will especially help your wife with questions that she
still may have.