Faulty Core Beliefs – Is sex a need?

Is sex a need?

This is one of those issues that, month-after-month, sparks a great conversation at the Every Mans Battle workshops. I thoroughly enjoy the discussion, even though sometimes it can get pretty heated. It is amazing to see how many different angles there are to answer the question too; biblical, single vs. married, natural/instinctual, physiological, psychological.

In an effort to start a discussion [not an argument] I’d like to invite feedback on this post.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, guru of sex addiction work, says in Out of the Shadows that people who are sexually addicted believe sex is their most important need. A lot of guys argue this point. At face value it is in fact easy to argue; especially when we apply Christian principles and understand that God designed sex, it is good, and it is part and parcel to marriage. But the more we unpack what it means to believe sex is a need, the more we see how our lives reflect our beliefs.  Let me explain:

Is sex a need to perpetuate the species and “go forth and multiply”?  Yes, it is. The species and multiplication cannot occur without it. (Ok, we can debate the logistics and mechanics of modern medicine related to reproduction, but at the end of the day a sexual act is still involved). So, in this sense, sex is a need. But, does that mean every time we engage sex with our spouse we are doing so to reproduce? No. So is sex a need for us personally?

Is sex a need based on physiology? Yes, there is a cycle to the development of sperm/semen that requires release. While the interval varies, for most men there is a regular cycle of production that physiologically requires a release. In this sense too, sex is a need. However, this assumes sex is the only vehicle to appropriately provide release. And by sex, I mean sexual acts – from masturbation to sexual intercourse. But is this true? What about nonsexual nocturnal emissions; where the body releases without a sexual stimulus? If you’ve talked to someone who has had a vasectomy, you know that once a vasectomy happens, sperm production does not immediately stop. Instead, the body has ways of dealing with the production through absorption and excretion. So, here we are again, asking the question: is sex a need in this regard?

What about if you’re married? If the person we love the most on the planet changes her last name, does sex automatically become a need? God ordained sexual intimacy in marriage and in fact encourages it. Some would say He commands it! Does this make it a need? And if it does, what about marriages where one spouse or the other cannot physically engage in sexual intimacy? I digress. Can we agree that marital status neither confirms nor denies whether sex is a need?

Do we need sex to feel loved? There is a cultural saying thrown around that goes, Women need to feel loved to have sex, Men need to have sex to feel loved”. Do you believe this? Is that to say that there are no other ways for men to feel loved other than to have sex? Is it the chicken or the egg – do men only know how to feel loved via sex because they’ve never know true intimacy and thus love without sex? I’ve digressed.

If we don’t get food, we die. If we don’t get water, we die. If we don’t get air, we die. Those are needs. We all believe, at a core level, that we need them. As such, we’ll go to great lengths to get them. We would cross lines we swore we’d never cross, go places we promised to never go, do things to people we never imagined ourselves doing, and breaking vows we swore we would never break.

Want to guess what a lot of guys have done to get sexual pleasure?

Most guys I talk to have crossed lines, gone places, broken vows (that they truly meant) and have done things to themselves and others they swore they would never do. Why?

Because they have a core belief that sex is a need, and fear the negative consequence on their life if they surrender it.

Do you believe sex is a need?
Do you fear negative consequences on your life if you surrender it?

Have you crossed lines or broken vows you swore you’d never transgress?








The Beach

Since we were in Orange County speaking at Voyager’s Church last weekend, Shelley and I went and walked along the beach together. (by the way, if you want to listen to our story you can do so here: Voyagers) I can’t remember the last time we were at the beach. This experience was definitely unlike any in the past.

Over the course of a half hour or so we talked, walked, and stopped periodically to take in the sights and sounds. People body-boarding, surfing, playing volleyball, and then, inevitably, women in skimpy bikinis. For a moment I felt uncomfortable. Not for my integrity but for Shelley’s security. Would it bring up old memories? Would it trigger body image issues for her? Would it remind her of a time when my eyes would wander and my mind would drift?

So I brought it up. beach

I was the one to say, “hey, I want you to know that my integrity is intact. It sure is nice to be at the beach and not be struggling to look at these women. I want you to know that I am not lusting, and while there has been some temptation, I’m thankful to being seeing people as people, not as objects and bodies.”

And it was so nerve-racking to bring it up! You just never know how a conversation like that is gonna go. It could go south before the first sentence is complete. It could ruin the whole day. And night. It could be a setback. Even 11 years later I still feel anxiety.

Or it could be the way forward.

Of course she was wondering. She was about to ask, in fact. Want to know what it gets built when the wife is thinking it but the husband is the first to bring it up? Yep, you guessed it: Trust. It gave us a sweet moment to reflect on where we’ve come from and what God has done in both our hearts and our relationship.

I encourage you, if you’re married, to talk about how you want conversations like this to go. As a wife, do you want your husband to bring it up and reassure you about his integrity, unprompted? As a husband, do you have fear and anxiety that you need to lean-in to and perhaps break through?


While this post isn’t specifically sexual integrity related, it is a tool that I commonly use at home and with couples in my office. It’s simply a way to raise a conversation (often amidst conflict) out of the muck of the subject to actually see what’s happening relationally.

If you’re into tech-talk, you probably know what Meta-Data is:  data about the data. In this case a MetaConversation is, you guessed it, a conversation about the conversation.

Specifically it addresses 3 keys points: how you are feeling, how I am feeling and what’s happening in our relationship at this moment.


When a conversation feels stuck, often it is because the root relational issue isn’t being addressed. Being locked up in a he-said-she-said usually indicates there are emotional nerves that have been tapped, but aren’t being talked about. Thus, the conversation often ends in one or both people having hurt feelings, a stalemate of “agree to disagree” (which often provides no real resolution) or a combination of the two. When that stuck feeling occurs, it can be a signal to both parties to stop the current conversation and switch gears to a metaconversation. In other words, to literally talk about what’s happening in the current conversation.

An example might be a conversation about money. He thinks they should spend the tax return and she thinks they should save it. He’s been wanting some toy or gadget, and she’s been stressing about how they’ll pay for summer vacation, much less fund their retirement. She’s getting angry that he insists on spending, he’s getting frustrated that she won’t let loose a little and enjoy the hard-earned cash. Spend or Save? Is the issue really about the money? Probably not.

A metaconversation might reveal that he is feeling insignficant. Spending the tax return would signal recognition of his hard work, a reward for faithfully doing his job and providing for the family. She might be feeling insecure and anxious. Having the vacation paid for ahead of time provides a sense of security and planning for retirement actually adds an element of respect for her husband. Relationally, we might find that both are pulling back, walling off. She wants to feel protected but he is threatening that, so she’s going to protect herself emotionally. He wants to feel respected and validated but she is withholding it, so he is going to nearly demand it. The metaconversation can provide a space and language for both to recognize what the other is feeling (which 99% of the time seems to be unintentional) and to identify the divide developing in the relationship. Finally, it gives an opportunity to address a specific emotional, relational dynamic.

In response they both can speak to the others needs:

Husband: “The last thing I want you to feel is insecure and worried about our finances. I also want you to be confident that I have our family’s best interest at heart. I want you feel protected, and to know that a short term want won’t replace our long term goals.”

Wife: “I appreciate your hard work. I am proud of you, your commitment and your provision for our family. I want you to know I respect you.”

They can now make a decision on what to do with the money without it being a wedge in the relationship, and without the decision being motivated by shoring up emotional needs.

Men in my office typically ask something to the effect of, ” couldn’t we bypass all that stuff by just agreeing to compromise- spending half and saving half?”  Well, yes, if by “all that stuff” you’re referring to the meaningful, relational communication that builds relational currency.

The metaconversation can be used regardless of the subject matter. Money, sex, addiction, parenting, moving, work, hobbies, dinner, you name it. And it doesn’t have to be in conflict, but that’s often where it can be a handy tool.

Remember that in conflict we want to value the person over the problem, and the relationship over the result. Metaconversations can help achieve this.