Warning: Facebook Could Destroy your Marriage

A New Jersey pastor told his married church leaders that they either had to delete Facebook or they would have to resign from their leadership role in the church. Other pastors have likened Facebook to the serpent in the Garden of Eden, and have urged their entire congregation to shut down their pages. The issue became more urgent when the marriage statistics came out for 2011. The report said that 33% of all divorce filings mentioned in their paperwork Facebook as a factor that led to the divorce.

We cannot blame Facebook–it’s what people do on Facebook that is the problem. The most obvious problem develops when out of curiosity, one reaches out to an old flame–“just to see how they are doing.” Or an old flame reaches out to us for the same reason. Without realizing it, we can soon be spending more time “Facebooking” with an old flame than we’re doing face-time with our spouse. And the longer we reminisce about those old feelings the more we find they become current feelings.

I don’t do Facebook. I have a Facebook page, but it is managed by the New Life Live radio/TV program people. But I’ve worked with couples whose major complaint was that their spouse was spending hours a day on Facebook, posting pictures, chatting, and checking on their “friends’” postings. It’s all too easy to get caught up in what appears to be someone else’s exciting life, especially if we feel we are merely existing.

Another step to creating a major problem in a marriage is for one partner to become too personal in what they share with a “friend.” Talking about your marital issues with someone other than your spouse creates intimacy with that person, and it is especially dangerous if they are of the opposite sex. That’s really how just about every Facebook affair begins–They say they simply just sat and talked with an attractive other about what was not working in their marriage.

In the real world, an affair can take months to develop. But on Facebook, all it takes is a couple of clicks. People are tempted, and it is so much easier to give in to that temptation on Facebook. One may be too reserved, or shy in real life, but they can become much bolder behind the screen than they would be in person. Many of those who have ended up destroying their marriage would never have even thought about having an affair without the private seduction available over Facebook.

How do you know if your marriage is in danger? The problem is already occurring if one person refuses to talk with their spouse about what is happening on their Facebook. If you are being shut out of your spouse’s activities on Facebook, your marriage is probably already in the danger zone. Safety comes with complete openness regarding who you each are talking with, and when both of you know all of each other’s passwords. That’s at least a beginning point in protecting your marriage. Be careful in this digital age–you don’t want to be one of the 33%.

How do you handle Facebook and other social media issues in your marriage? In your family?

Article was sourced from the blog of Dr. Dave Stoop with permission:  Dr Stoop is a regular co-host on New Life Live.

22 thoughts on “Warning: Facebook Could Destroy your Marriage

  1. I don’t agree that facebook destroys marriages. It’s people who destroy marriages. Facebook may be the tool that is used in some instances but if it weren’t facebook it would be something else. If you have a facebook account and someone from your past requests you as a friend, you have a choice to make. The same running into someone from the past on the street who asks for a way to contact you. We either accept or reject the advances of another. Just say no!

    • you do not know what you are talking about, try being one of the millions of spouses who clicks a button to find out how deeply intimate their mate has become with a facebook “friend”…..fbook is definitely one of the most sly tools satan has used since the apple! Don’t you know how deceitful satan is? Your answer is written in ignorant bliss!

    • i was on my husbands facebook account a while as he is new to facebook and i noticed that he has a friend from his school. She sent him a message that she has a sister in law who is divorced and that she is looking for greener pastures. This woman said to my husband that he should contact her as she is looking for love and attention.

  2. Facebook can be a good tool to connect with family members that live far away and friends you haven’t seen in yeas. With that said, it can go bad when you allow yourself to be so curious about an old friend that you haven’t seen in years and you start to spend time and energy following their post, looking at their pictures and admiring wha you see! Then before you know it you are chatting with them which opens another can of worms which pushes you to an emotional connection of past things.

    I feel that married couples should be aware of each others friends and tha chatting should not happen between old friends of the opposite sex with out the knowledge of your spouse as to what you are saying. If you are affraid to let your spouse know about what you are talking about, then you are hiding something that can turn out bad. I personal try stay away from chatting with he opposite sex about personal matters, i.e. are you married? telling them they look good? A big no no! I say don’t chat at all! If you can’t resist, then you are on facebook for the wrong reasons.

    1 Corinthians 10:23-24 “Everything is permissible”–but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”–but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

    • I like your reply Cyntha. I agree 100%. In a marital relationship, I think for the most part it’s best to limit FB friends to current real life friends and family. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex. However If one feels the need to extend their circle of friends, and both partners agree with the social network the benefits could outweigh the risks. However I feel that both should be aware of the risks involved and should take whatever measures necessary to maintain an open and honest relationship within the marriage. With that being said I feel in most cases the risk may be great and the old fashion way of socializing is still the best way of making friends.

  3. The answer is relatively simple here. My wife and I both have full access to each other’s computers and logins. There is no place for secrets and nothing to hide. Don’t blame Facebook, or any other form of social media.

    • But what if your husband won’t even add you as a friend. Says that’s stupid. My husband is on fb till 2-3:00 in the mornings talking to women. Instead of home in bed with his wife. He says he talks to the to help them with their problems. But he is destroying our marriage. When I try to talk to him he gets mad. He knows it is destroying us but he don’t care to work on saving our marriage just worried about the women he talks to. So he blocked me so I can’t even see what he does now. Our marriage was going good until he started with fb. They should regulate that if your married you have to have spouse as a friend also and if a man is 45 then he should be limited to the age of women he talks to or not even aloud to talk to single women unless family and that the family members must be listed and approved. We have been married almost 12 years. And he is letting fb destroy it.

  4. I think facebook should be banned frim all marriages because i had facebook and i tryed to keep it where it was just family members and it never work. People find out who you are one way or another and even facebook senda u who they think you might know !!! plus it creates a great temptatuon for example when u are fighting with your apouae and a person from the opposite sex send u a comment such as ur worth more than that or u are so beatiful its just unnecessary exporsure to others to tell you things that ciuld mke you think of curiosity or temptation. I have had a really strong self power to deactivate my fb account in order to concentrate in my life and not see the lives of others or let anybody come to my life to deviate me from what is right. But it is hard amd really hard.

  5. Definitely agree that Facebook is the problem. I see it as stalker software. Searching for people from the past, reading every inch of their page, clicking all their photos… no good can come from it. I could care less what people I haven’t interacted with in 20 years are up to, and I definitely don’t want anything to do with any women I’ve broken up with in the past. On the subject of infidelity, I always hear people say: “I didn’t mean to cheat, it just happened.”

    • Having a Facebook Account is not a subject for all the conflict of some other user’s it is fun by using it in the right manner, i’m just sharing how do i use my Facebook account

  6. Facebook is like fire. Fire can used to keep someone alive in the winter or it can be used to burn down a house. It has great potential for good or for evil.

  7. Facebook has always been a major problem in my marriage. We have trust issues stemming from past infidelity multiple times. Facebook was one way he accessed the “attention” he was looking for. Kind of still enjoying the “likes” he gets when he posts a picture. I have requested for him to close his account and stay off all social media to help us rebuild from the years we have caused strife and mistrust. He does not believe Facebook is a problem or a way of access and has decided to refuse to get off,says he needs it for investigations for work. (He is law enforcement)over the years My husband has been contacted by co workers who wanted him to fulfill a fantasy if his girlfriend’s. And even sent pictures of the ”product”, told old girlfriends about our marrital problems, friended girls he does not know who only post half naked pictures the list can go on.
    I am at the point of I don’t care now that I have been told by him he will never get off.anytime I bring up facebook it turns into an argument. I feel facebook was chosen over us doing EVERYTHING we can to rebuild trust. I love him but so tired I am in the process of ending our 10year marriage. We have 3kids together.

  8. My husband and I were in Facebook for quite some time. It was great for keeping up with family and friends. Then we started seeing vulgar language and drama we didn’t want to be part of. So both of us stopped using it until a couple weeks ago my husband said he was bored and wanted to try Facebook again. I still don’t want to for the reasons I mentioned. Well a few nights ago I was curious about his page and I remembered his password, he never changed it. So I look on his Facebook page and discover he was looking up young women from his job that he’s never been friends with. We are in our late 50’s and these women might be 30. Needless to say I am hurt and don’t know how to tell him I know. I don’t think he’s been physically unfaithful but this is bothering me. Am I over-reacting?

    • Lisa, you are not overreacting. Watch for a pattern. Look at his messages, searches, etc. Confront him and fight and save your marriage before it is too late

    • A person that has nothing to hide should not mind being honest and open about what they do. Facebook gives people opportunity they would not ordinarily have. My wife (now ex-wife) was always in chat rooms, sending private messages on Facebook. I just assumed that they were all female. Not so…..our marriage had problems that needed to worked on, I had to come clean with my part of our disfunctional marriage, which I did. She would not seek help of any kind. I never knew many of the friends she made on Facebook, I was told that they were her friends. Well, couple of years later, I ended up with a divorce that I did not want and she is hooked up with an old high school flame she met on Facebook. After, 27 years, I am 62 and single. I think the break-up tore my kids up worse than it did me……………

  9. I hate those chat boxes on FB and always keep it turned off. I even blocked out strangers who attempt to send me a Friend Invite request. If at times, I even tend to deactivate my account every now and then. Really ~ the purpose of FB is to reconnect with family members. With a few close friends can be an exception, but usually you never know what their motives might be and people DO spy. I’ve had to Unfriend certain people and had friends Unfriend me and even sent out Friend Invite requests that were never accepted. Luckily, it’s never something I take personally either way and never allow that to determine the basis of my friendship with these people.

  10. I’m constantly telling my spouse facebook is not good. People send insincere things and he believe them. He wants a divorce after I told him about a few incidents.

  11. Facebook is terrible for marriages. Absolutely terrible. I’m in my second struggling marriage and it is at the center not the total issue but certainly a couple of her contacts she refuses to delete are driving me away quickly. We are not friends on any social media to make it worse to avoid arguments and misunderstandings…lol. Simply put that makes me believe there is lots to hide and way more fun when I’m not involved. Seems so simple to shut it down but the women who have been Iin my life never will…Facebook is king with them. Oh well those online boys have spouses so if the pasture looks greener go for the gold lol. Just told her once we are done it’s done there’s no a couple years from now when things are different. Nope I’m good. Facebook can win. If the family life is too much right now when I’m the one busting my ass doing everything don’t expect to coast when those demands are gone doesn’t work that way.

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