Who is Trust for?

Rebuilding trust is so difficult. But we sometimes make it more difficult, in fact even take steps backwards, when we forget who trustbuilding is for. Men will often say to their wives, “I just want you to trust me again” or “I hope one day you can trust me” but the essence of what they are saying is unfortunately self-centered. What they are really saying is, “I hope one day you’ll be less angry so I don’t have to deal with it” or “I hope one day we don’t have to talk about this anymore so I don’t have to feel guilt and shame”.

Too often we forget that our work in the aftermath of betrayal is to restore dignity to our spouses. One facet of that is restoring trust, which translates to a sense of security and feeling protected. When we become myopic and selfish we begin building trust for our own convenience and to lighten our own burden. What our wives need is to see us bear the burden with courage and to build trust for their sake.

Granted, it is understandable and isn’t wrong to want your wife to be less hurt, angry and beyond the conversation about the past. But, in the meantime, you pave the path for her to get there by sacrificing your own comfort and convenience. So as you pursue trust building, remember to ask who you are building trust for.

1 thought on “Who is Trust for?

  1. I am NOT wanting to diminish Pornography use and it being a sin and a failure in ourselves and to our wife. But I gotta tell you even in the book Rebuilding Trust – and the blog above … I hear over and over and over rebuilding trust takes time, don’t expect it to fix overnight- elsewhere I have read – they will be on the crazy cycle up sometimes and don’t the next (as far as their trust etc.) Now lets flip it for a minute – I have went to CR , and a similar program , apologized, been open and transparent – agree its wrong etc. (started this a few years ago). So – NOW – January I found out my wife had been “chatting” and emailing with an ex-fiancée – I want to be clear – he and his family live several hours away …..there is ZERO evidence to suggest ANY meetings so don’t assume that and I am not inferring that………but after finding out when I want to bed (on occasion not all the time from what I saw- they would chat like around midnight and in afternoons sometimes AND when I saw references to emails there was an account I WAS NOT AWARE OF which infuriated me whether it was started for a business or not. So after years of her not coming to bed, years of me not understanding why her phone always had notifications (I didn’t have a smart phone then) I was HURT and upset and we went to bootcamp ((marriage) and counselors – She wasn’t “truly” sorry and had not contrition because she really didn’t see how wrong it was- I wanted all her gut friends OFF her Facebook if not family and if I dint know them – THAT was a huge fight too. Our first counselor more sided with her and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just let it go ………. look we are a Christian family, we both serve (well I did) I don’t care to see her or parents on Sundays as we are separated (she kicked ME out for staying upset when she wouldn’t change her ways as far as staying way busy, not telling me who’s who as far as phone numbers on out cell account. ………….look all I wanted was to figure it out – BUT does all this REBUIDLING TRUST only apply to us not THEM? would a wife not want to feel like she knew all – and not want to secure social networking – and close downe3 or 4 extra “circles” etc.- the world seems SO one sided- Christian women as long as they are not sleeping around – can read what they want, watch what they want and ONLY the men are called to the carpet in society or the church – its crazy!

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