New Life Live: June 15, 2011

Play

Topics: Sex Addiction, Pornography, Mental Illness, Separation, Blended Families, Adult Children ,

Hosts: Steve Arterburn, Dr. Sheri Denham, Milan Yerkovich

Caller Questions:
1. My husband and son are mentally ill and sex addicts; what more can I do for my son?
2. I feel bad I had to leave my 7yo stepdaughter behind when I separated.
3. My wife has cheated several times; should I stay?
4. How do I repair the relationship with my 19yo son?

Suggested Resources:
How We Love
Healing Is a Choice

New Life Live: May 27, 2011

Play

Topics: Marriage Affairs And Infidelity Separation Getting Unstuck

Hosts: Steve Arterburn, Dr. Jill Hubbard, Milan Yerkovich

Caller Questions:
1. I feel in limbo because my husband has been unemployed for 7 years.
2. My husband cheated again; I called last year when he was with a Hooters girl.
3. After one month separation, what can I do to salvage my marriage?
4. How can I handle so many problems at once?

Suggested Resources:
How We Love
Emotional Freedom Workbook
Changes That Heal

New Life Live: May 19, 2011

Play

Topics: Anger Reconciliation Teens Marriage

Hosts: Steve Arterburn, Dr. Sheri Denham, Milan Yerkovich

Caller Questions:
1. How do I help my angry 47yo son who was not in my life for 24 years?
2. Should I reconcile with my ex who was in prison?
3. How can I connect with my 14yo son who is into video games?
4. My husband won’t let me hire a handyman!

Suggested Resources:
How We Love
How We Love Our Kids

New Life Live: May 18, 2011

Play

Hosts: Steve Arterburn, Dr. Dave Stoop, Milan Yerkovich

Caller Questions:
1. How can I make my long-distance dating relationship work?
2. Did I handle it right with my husband who was texting his ex-affair?
3. How can I change my negative emotions towards my wife?
4. Should I visit my sister-in-law who kept our brother from us?
5. How can I catch my spouse cheating? I know he’s lying but I have no evidence.

Suggested Resources:
How We Love
Every Heart Restored
You Are What You Think
Just Us

New Life Live: April 25, 2011

Play

Hosts:
Steve Arterburn, Milan Yerkovich

1. How do I love families with 8 or 9 kids that can’t afford it?
2. My daughter’s husband took his family into hiding 5yrs ago and I can’t cope.
3. How do I deal with the guilt and shame from murdering a teen friend in my past?
4. Please teach me how to communicate with my husband.
5. Can you diagnose my dad? Is he borderline personality?

New Life Live: March 28, 2011

Play

Hosts:
Steve Arterburn, Dr. John Townsend, Dr. Henry Cloud

Discussion Topics:
Marriage, parenting, dating

Caller Questions:
1. How do I grieve my husband turning his back on God?
2. Should I turn in a slanderer?
3. My husband and I disagree on the discipline of our 18 year-old.
4. I broke up with my boyfriend who was into porn. How do I know when I am ready to date again?
5. We are separated. My wife wants me to get a vasectomy.

Suggested Resources:
Changes that Heal
Boundaries
Boundaries in Dating
Rescue Your Love Life

New Life Live: March 21, 2011

Play

Hosts:
Steve Arterburn, Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. Jill Hubbard

Discussion Topics:
Dating, grief, marriage, evangelism.

Caller Questions:
1. How can I stop feeling tormented because I want to get married?
2. My husband died 5yrs ago and I have no goals or interests.
3. Since my divorce, am I stuck in the grief process?
4. My guilty husband is too complacent; how can I help?
5. How should a Baptist interact with a Seventh Day Adventist?

Suggested Resources:
Secrets Women Keep
Every Man’s Marriage
Perspective CD on Grief

Christmas Expectations

In December 1983, I came home from my freshman year of college. My mother had died the previous May and my father was trying to make a nice Christmas for his seven children. When the Christmas tree toppled over, he told us to pack up our warm clothes because he couldn’t stand to stay there. We spontaneously jumped in the Suburban and drove to West Yellowstone, MT for a snowmobiling trip. Despite the fact that it was well below zero in that part of the country, I realize now that my dad was attempting to deal with his depression in a helpful and creative way.

Whether you’re celebrating Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Christmas, or New Years, you’re bound to have feelings of disappointment, alienation, and tension around the holidays. Emotions vacillate due to stress created by crowds, traffic, and extra houseguests. Fatigue results from the combination of overeating and drinking, and getting less exercise. Unrealistic expectations, financial demands and constraints, and new family configurations (due to divorce, death, marriage, blended families or empty nest) all may add to unpleasant emotional feelings during the holidays.

People try to deal with these demands by drinking alcohol, eating too much, and placing more demands on themselves to ensure the holidays are the best ever. They falsely believe that spending more money and making more elaborate plans will create happier feelings. It does seem true that happy people get happier this time of year, but sad, stressed out, and lonely people feel worse. I’ve listed some questions that might be important to ask yourself, and I’ve made some suggestions for making this a more peaceful time of year:

How am I going to take care of myself?

I would suggest you memorize the following sentence and use it frequently: “I give myself permission to…….” If you’re not up to having Christmas at your house, or if your in-laws make you crazy, set limits. It’s also important not to force yourself to be happy, and to deny sadness. Allow yourself to grieve the melancholic feelings this time of year brings up, and give yourself permission to tell others you are feeling this way. Talk with people about your loved ones who aren’t with you anymore – this keeps their memory alive. In addition, you might consider the help of a therapist to help you sort out feelings and deal with troublesome issues. Make sure you are getting lots of sleep and light, even though winter brings limited hours of sunshine. Exercise is one of the best ways to take care of your self since it burns calories and reduces stress simultaneously. When it comes to shopping, I don’t enjoy fighting crowds and traffic. I’m not one who has to see and touch everything before I make my purchasing decisions; therefore I love to shop via the internet. This is a personal choice however, since some people truly do enjoy this aspect of the holiday season. Another suggestion for those who hate to fight crowds and traffic is to purchase gift cards.

Who am I going to give my time and energy to?

Take charge of your calendar and of those you want to spend time with. Prioritize, and let go of all the other parties. Feel free to eliminate unimportant traditions and create new ones. When our children were toddlers my husband and I would drive them around, looking at holiday lights. We used this time to drop off Christmas gifts to friends if they were home. If they weren’t there, it was their loss….they didn’t get to see us or get the present we had. It was silly and spontaneous and an important memory for our children. And who says you have to send cards or put lights all over your house? Stick to doing only those things that bring you enjoyment. My husband hates putting up outdoor lights so the kids and I give him permission not to do it. Stop pressurizing yourself to decorate the inside of your house if you don’t want to. Maybe this is the year to put up a small Charlie Brown Christmas tree with a strand of lights and no ornaments, or to hang a wreath on your door and light a festive candle. If the thought of baking stresses you out, pick up semi-prepared food to serve company.

How am I going to make the holidays meaningful?

Rather than decorating or shopping, the day might be better spent snowshoeing, building a snowman with the kids, or taking in a movie. If traditional Christmas music is grating on your nerves, try something classical, choral or country. Perhaps taking in a quiet Advent church service or helping out at a soup kitchen will fill you with a sense of awe and gratitude. One of my favorite things to do is to set aside a specific time to read Christmas cards. When they arrive, I toss them in a basket. But later I will put on my slippers, sip some tea by the fire, and enjoy catching up with old friends via their photos and newsletters.

What are my expectations?

Each holiday is different, so don’t base expectations on past holidays. Put less emphasis on one day and more on the season. And don’t beat yourself up for feeling empty. There is always a discrepancy between the way relationships are, and the way we are led to believe they should be by the media. Examine the significance you assign to holidays: Ask yourself what the holidays mean to yourself and your family. If you feel stress or conflict, it could mean your expectations are unrealistic.

Who am I going to give my money to?

Commercialism can make you feel that your family member will only feel loved if you purchase whatever is being advertised. Years down the road, people don’t remember what you bought them, but they remember how you made them feel and the time you spent. Make a list, stick to it, and stay out of the stores once you’re done, because you will always be tempted to purchase more.

People should be aware that most feelings of despair around the holidays do not last. Holiday disappointment is a part of normal life and a sign that you are alive – being human means we get to face some hard times. However, people should be aware that there is a difference between the “holiday blues” and true depression:

Pay attention if you are having trouble sleeping (too little or too much), eating (too little or too much), if you have hopelessness, a sudden loss of pleasure in things you once enjoyed, thoughts of suicide, difficulty concentrating, body pain that doesn’t respond to treatment, behavior that is more agitated or slowed than normal. These are signs of more severe depression. The good news is that depression is very treatable. Eighty to ninety percent of people can be helped by things such as therapy (including light therapy), medication, and exercise. If you are feeling any of these symptoms, talk to your doctor, friends, clergy, or a counselor.

Remove The Plank!

Steve Arterburn

Who is more at fault: the woman who deprives her husband of physical intimacy, or the husband who deprives his wife of emotional intimacy? This one’s a no-brainer, guys. It’s you — the husband. You’re the leader of the home. You set the example. You create the environment and set the tone. You show your family how to walk with Christ through your servant-leadership. And your initiative in this regard will go a long way in eliciting the response of others. In other words, this issue usually comes down to a matter of leadership.

 

So what’s your first step in this? I think the Lord’s words in the 6th chapter of Luke provide a clue. My paraphrase goes like this:

‘Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your wife’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your wife, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? Don’t be a hypocrite. You must first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your wife’s eye.’

The bottom line, guys, is this: If a husband isn’t willing to serve his wife by making it a priority to be intimate and tender with her outside the bedroom, how can he possibly expect his wife to readily respond to his desires inside the bedroom?

Building Her Prestige

Steve Arterburn

In Proverbs 31:29-31, the husband grants his wife her proper prestige with these words:

‘Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.’

Men, we’ll not only draw prestige from the success of our marriage relationship, but we must also be sure to build up the prestige of our wife. Of course, this begins in the home.

‘Building up’ begins with words, but must be verified and reinforced with actions. The Bible says in 1 Peter 3, ‘Husbands’be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as’heirs with you.’ Acknowledging that your wife is your fellow heir establishes that she’s entitled to the same honor and respect as you. By contrast, you have no right to rob her of what you ought to give, and what God promised she’d have. Oneness isn’t merely a feeling; it’s built on actions.

Moreover, building up the prestige of our wives doesn’t end in the home. What begins there must be carried out into the community. Here again, actions speak louder than words.

Gentlemen, can we justify placing our wives anywhere but in the highest place of prestige in our lives? We must set ourselves to the task of building up our wives’both inside and outside our homes.

Tour Israel with Steve Arterburn and New Life Ministries