Picture a man sitting alone in a Gentleman’s Club, waiting for the next dancer to begin. There are other men in the club surrounding him, but this particular man just wants to be alone. Right now, he’s acting out a secret, private life that no one knows about. He doesn’t want male companionship, but believes that a fantasy female will give him happiness, satisfaction, and contentment. He’s become so focused on this idea that he has put aside his marriage, his relationships, and any sense of spirituality that he used to feel. His life has become truly unbalanced and unmanageable.
This man has come to the conclusion that his needs can only be fulfilled by the ultimate sexual fantasy experience. The problem with this, however, is that the perfect fantasy, or the perfect female, doesn’t exist. He will return week after week to this same place, pursuing his desires and experiencing a quick thrill provided by a stranger. But, this event is so short-lived that he’ll have to keep coming back for more of it. Worst of all, he’ll end the evening just like he started it—alone. When a man engages with sexual sin in this way, his spirit is being affected in a deeper way than he realizes. While he fills his mind with sexual fantasy, he may feel that he’s being built up in some way, but he is actually destroying his own manhood. The shame and regret starts to creep back in after a night like this, because fantasy is always followed by restless discontentment and shame.
The common denominator in this image is isolation. If a man who has lived this type of life wants real change, he has to choose another way, one of relationship and community, specifically with other men. When a man gets connected with other Christian men seeking God’s best for their lives, he will begin to develop boundaries. Proverbs 27:17 says that “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend” (NLT). Where one man is weak, another may be strong, and each of them can call each other to a higher level of living. When a man is living in community with other men in recovery, seeking the will of God, they are practicing true growth and intimacy. Each man can work on bridling his will, desires, and biological urges to become more Christ-like.
For this isolated man, a new lifestyle starts by reaching out, maybe to a man at church or in his workplace or neighborhood that he can invite out for a meal to begin a conversation. This will start the process of connection and eventually opening up to another person. A man in recovery from sexual addiction needs a Bible Study as well as a men’s recovery group. When a man has support like this, he can be who God created him to be, a man of character, a true husband, and one who enjoys life.
A man alone in a Gentleman’s Club believes a sexual rush will make him complete as a man. It’s actually the opposite, as he is emotionally under-developed and stuck in adolescent thinking. Many Christian men are stuck in this same place. Whether it’s the club, pornography, or simply sexual fantasies in their head, they are pushing their sexuality beyond its intended purpose. A man needs to review his thoughts: is he wasting time fantasizing about the perfect female or sexual fantasy, or is he investing in stronger Christian male relationships? Joining a Sustained Victory Coaching Group can help him experience recovery.