Too many of us have developed the art of stonewalling. I call it an art because those of us who do it have typically crafted the skill with our own twist. It’s the technique we use to shut out any person or situation that might be a threat to our sense of self. It is usually triggered by shame, embarrassment, feeling insulted or even by our own guilt. When the threat is present, we learn to stack bricks fast and create an impervious wall that effectively preserves our sense of self. Nothing can get in that would hurt us. The reverse is true too of course; we also can’t get out very easily. By ‘get out’ I mean, we cannot do empathy.

Self-preservation is the archenemy of empathy.

When we get into that stonewall mode where we ignore and get short with other people, we do more damage than we realize. This is especially true for men trying to restore a relationship damaged by sexual betrayal. In the space where you’re on one side of the wall and your wife is on the other, usually every old trigger is going to be activated. While you’re giving her the cold-shoulder she is going to be wondering what you’re doing, when you last acted out, who with, what else you’re lying about, etc. Trust begins to dwindle, worst case scenarios play in a wife’s mind and she’ll begin to shut down.

In the end you’re going to be left with one ugly stack of bricks. If this is you let me suggest 4 things to do instead of stonewall:
1 – Recognize that you are triggered and that stonewalling is only medicating the emotions. It is very similar to acting out sexually; it numbs the negative emotions for a short while. But afterwards, just like acting out sexually, we typically feel guilt and shame for behaving that way.

2 – Process the emotions that trigger you with an accountability partner. You should be able to vent and talk about how you’re experiencing the emotions. You ought to be able to share how you want to shut down and stonewall, while asking for confirmation of your decision not to.

3 – Work with a counselor to figure out what, if anything, is at the root of your stonewalling. Most guys didn’t hone the craft recently. They developed it over years and maybe even learned it in their family of origin.

4 – If you’re married, keep your wife in the know while you take space to process. If you insist on putting up a wall, at least leave a couple bricks out at eye-level so she doesn’t have to wonder what’s going on over there. Let her know that you’re choosing to talk to an accountability partner, reassure her of your commitment to integrity, and give an estimation of when you’ll be able to re-engage.

Almost every guy I work with hits a point where it all feels like its going south. Every word spoken is the wrong one, doing empathy is possible but not very probable, and stringing together enough coherent thoughts to communicate something meaningful to a hurt, angry wife is nearly impossible.  Hitting this point usually results in him clamming up, shutting down or responding with anger. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t mean to, but the powerlessness of the moment is often overwhelming. It would go so much better if he could just cry and groan.

Seriously. We all have those moments where words are entirely inept and nothing in our vocabulary could accurately capture what is happening in our hearts. Paul speaks to the inadequacy of words in Romans 8:26:

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Sometimes wordless groans say enough. Perhaps they say even more than articulate, verbose language. Strangely, we humans know the profundity of groaning amidst pain. We have an innate comprehension of what someone is expressing when, at a funeral, a loved one groans through tears. We understand what is being communicated when groaning accompanies the news of terminal illness.

I wanted so desperately to tell my wife that I understood how bad I had hurt her, but I couldn’t. I would freeze up.  My shame and the reality of the pain that I had caused would paralyze me. As much as I wanted to say the right thing, the words were elusive. Then one evening, as Shelley expressed how badly she was hurting and how infuriated she was at what I had done, I broke.  I started to cry, then sob. As I opened my mouth to say something, I had nothing. I tried to force myself to speak but no sound would come out. Then I started feel the pain well up inside me and I couldn’t catch my breath. The tears kept gushing. I tried to fight it back, fearing she would think it was a pity party or that I was trying to manipulate her. I also feared she would think I was weak. But I couldn’t hold it back. A well was tapped that evening which I can’t even begin to explain. I ended up lying in the floor, in the fetal position, heaving, crying. Between groans of pain I was able to mutter the words, “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” I have no clue how long it lasted. It felt like forever. I don’t know what Shelley was doing while I was in the floor weeping. I can’t remember her saying anything. She was probably freaked out because I was inconsolable.

Unbeknownst to either of us, we were healing. I needed to purge that well of regret and shame. She needed to see deep brokenness and hear groans that expressed pain beyond anything words could suffice. I had to revisit that well multiple times too. There were more moments like this one to follow, albeit never to that depth again. I learned that sometimes I just needed to feel her pain and let myself express it. At times she needed a response audibly and at times she needed it visibly. When I ran out of words and realized the ineptitude of my vocabulary, I knew it was time to simply feel and express.

Perhaps you’re a wife reading this and you wonder if this is the wall you’ve seen your husband hit? Share this with him and talk about it. Or maybe you’re a guy who hits that wall, like I did. Share this with your wife and talk to her about it.

Awhile back I wrote about accountability that isn’t working. I included 4 indicators:

1 – You aren’t confronted when you don’t keep your word

2 – You go A.W.O.L. and nobody confronts you about it

3 – Your first answer to probing questions is accepted

4 – You don’t have regular conversations about redemption

In this post I want to begin the conversation about what effective accountability looks like and how it works. The first key is about ownership and responsibility. Fundamentally, accountability is about giving an account for your life. The ownership and responsibility rests on our shoulders to be accountable rather than to be held accountable. Too often I hear guys blame their accountability partners after a fall and say they didn’t ask enough questions or didn’t call at a certain time, etc. Accountability is what you do, not what someone does to you.

Also important to clarify is that being accountable means giving an account. An account of what, you might ask? Specifically, your sexual integrity. That should always be a part of the conversation. But beyond that, we should be accountable for the things that contribute to sexual integrity, such as our boundaries, triggers, attitudes, emotions, thought patterns, relationships and walk with God. Accountability is something that encapsulates your whole life, not just one little slice of life. Sometimes guys think an accountability group is the place where they go talk about their sexual integrity. That is only partially true. The men in your accountability group should know about your whole life, because it all impacts or is impacted by your sexual integrity. For example, effective accountability means the guys in your group would know:

- any major life changes (i.e., new baby, new job, new house, moves)

- any relational issues (with boss, wife, kids, friends, family, neigbors)

- any health or medical issues

- any work or financial issues

- travel schedules

- major anniversaries (i.e., wedding, disclosure, divorce, vow renewal)

If you are in an accountability group and they don’t know these things, it is lacking effectiveness. There is ground to be gained by changing the way you do group and broadening the scope of how you are known. Remember, an accountability group is about relationships, relationships are about intimacy, and intimacy is about being known.