Worthy of Her Trust Winners!

Wow….thanks to everyone who posted their comments. Their were some fantastic and heartfelt posts. I wanted to provide a quick summary of the suggestions and what worked/helped-

  • The distinction between helping husbands understand the difference between being “told what to do” versus being asked to “protect my heart”.
  • Locking down phone, tv, internet
  • Answering any and all of a wife’s questions about sexual behaviors, past and present with honesty, promptness and without defensiveness.
  • Attending support group / Accountability meetings
  • Prayer & Scripture
  • Focusing & dwelling on the goodness of God. This is especially important because it contradicts the addiction, which is fueled by discontent and searching for greener grass.
  • Perseverance – several of the comments indicated the ongoing work years into the recovery process. This isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon. For some of us, and ultra-marathon!
  • Service – beginning to serve others rather ourselves.
  • Attending EMB!
  • Taking full responsibility for the devastation our actions have caused.
  • Staying engaged emotionally when the conversations get difficult.

I can say, having lived it, that these things are spot on. If we will strive to do and engage in all these things, trust will begin to return.

Thanks again to all who posted! names

After randomly drawing names from a hat the winners are……

 TNT & Brion

Worthy of Her Trust Giveaway

I’m excited to say that Worthy of Her Trust, which Steve Arterburn was gracious to co-author with me, is now in stores and available.

And, I want to give a couple copies away! Worthy of Her Trust_pgs

My wife, Shelley, just did the same thing on her blog where she asked wives to comment on what their husbands have done to build trust. You can see that here if you’re interested: http://rlforwomen.com/jasons-book-release-and-a-giveaway/

So, likewise, I’d love to get your feedback on similar questions:

1) As a wife, what is 1 thing your husband done to rebuild trust effectively?

2) As a husband, what 1 thing has helped the most with rebuilding trust?

If you comment and answer one or both of the questions you’ll be entered to win a copy of the book! (P.S. sometimes there aren’t many comments to my posts, so you may be an instant winner by commenting on this one!) I’ll pick 2 winners on Friday!

 

Exoneration or Empathy

How do you handle conversations when your wife is triggered…

When our wife is asking us questions it can often feel like an interrogation or cross-examination. Once we’re on the witness stand, we can easily adopt a defensive posture, where we try to say enough to satisfy our questioner but not so much that we incriminate ourselves. Genuinely, we don’t want to make things worse or hurt our wives any more. We also don’t want to be indicted for crimes we didn’t commit. So we get hung up trying to navigate the details rather than engaging our hearts and emotions.

Sometimes we end up responding to the questions (usually after there are a lot of them) in a way that looks like we’re seeking exoneration. Here’s a quick definition of exonerate:

-to prove that someone is not guilty of a crime or responsible for a problem, bad situation, etc.

I know my tendency is to get released on a technicality. In the past, when my wife didn’t have her facts straight, I’d argue the loophole. And, truthfully, we know were that ends up don’t we? Very little healing happens in those conversations.

Instead, a better way to engage is to practice empathy. To feel her pain. Answer the questions asked and try to connect the pain, fear, disappointment, shame and sense of betrayal that may accompany them. Most wives in my office say that when their husband try’s to argue/correct/restate the facts it seems like he is trying to get out of being responsible.

The next time the conversation unfolds and you start to feel like you’re on trial, remember that to pause before you respond and ask yourself: “Am I about to practice empathy or am I trying to be exonerated?”