KitchenConvos.com just launched

Shelley and I are pumped to announce that our new video course for couples is now available!

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If you’re trying to navigate the healing process after betrayal through pornography, emotional/physical affairs or other sexual integrity issues, this video course can help!

The course will include 3 stages. The first stage (15 videos) is live, and the next stage is in production. In these videos and the workbook we talk in-depth about the challenging process of restoration. We cover details like-KC_WorkbookCover

  • How to prepare for full disclosure
  • How to do full disclosure
  • The grieving process – for the husband and wife
  • How husbands can help their wives’ grieving process
  • How to navigate life after disclosure
  • What to do if there are slips

Plus I’ve included 3 WhiteBoard Session videos where I diagram key aspects of the recovery process and how to handle them. Here’s an example –

SpringLoaded

We believe this video course will be incredibly beneficial, giving guidance and hope through authentic conversations and practical advice.

Click here to check out the course! www.kitchenconvos.com

 

 

Out of Bounds

Recovery requires boundaries. Unfortunately we often think of boundaries as limiting factors. They’re the rules and regs we have to live by in order to maintain sobriety. But this is an entirely narrow view of boundaries.

Instead, I encourage you to think of boundaries as the guardrails you surround yourself with to protect your soul. These include what you look at, listen to, ingest, smell, where you go, and who you interact with. You are the primary protector of your soul. God gave you rule over that part of His kingdom. He owns it, but we are stewards of it.

When we relax our boundaries and engage pseudo porn, lustful looking, “harmless” flirting (quotes indicate denial) or drink a little too much we are dabbling with disaster. When we listen to podcasts or shows that pollute our thinking, go places or say or do things that violate our consciences we are fueling fallout. Its only a matter of time. Maybe you can relate in that when I relax a little boundary, it turns into relaxing bigger boundaries. And when I bump against them to see if they’ll really hold me, I’m actually seeing how far I can get. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

Alternatively, when I live well within intentionally designed boundaries, I allow my soul to flourish. It’s life giving. It creates a lifestyle of abundance rather than a mentality of scarcity. The most important people get the best parts of me, rather than a dulled out version of me.

The sad truth though, is that when I live with poor boundaries I’m really being a poor steward of the soul God has given me. Rather than cultivating, sanctifying and treasuring it as a reflection of His glory, I’m covering it with grit, grime and pollution.

Recovery boundaries aren’t limiters. They’re life givers.

Empathy Tools

Shelley recently did a blogpost writing about humility and empathy (you’ll see a link to it at the bottom). Then she asked me to do a quick video with her about it. But she didn’t tell me what the questions were going to be. They were hard! You can scroll to the bottom of the post to see it if you’d like.

The conversation that typically transpires in my office regarding empathy includes the question, “how do I do it?”  Meaning, how does a guy actually practice empathy. Empathy is so much a character trait developed through sanctification, you can’t just manufacture it. But, you can prepare and cultivate your heart for it. Remember that the idea of empathy is to see another person’s experience through their lens. It’s not asking the question, “how would I feel in that particular situation?” it is instead asking, “how do they feel in that particular situation?”. That person’s life experiences are all coming to bear on the moment. If you have trouble dialing in to empathy, here is a super simple tool to help. Take a look, then I’ll explain it.empathy chart.001

 

It goes like this:

  1. Identify something that brings up past pain. It could be something happening in the moment, or something from the distant past.
  2. Think about what it must feel like for your wife to experience this. For example-
    1. Buying a crappy birthday present. Especially if its a pattern, how does it feel to receive that from you? Perhaps there have been hints. Or even overt statements about what to buy/do. When you show up with something that was winging it at best, and completely out of left field at worst, what emotions might get stirred. Write them down.
  3. Consider what you feel, for her, when you acknowledge that you’ve brought about these emotions in the person you love the most on the planet.
    1. It’s easy to go into shame mode here, writing things like guilty, ashamed, angry at myself, disappointed in myself, etc. That’s how you feel for you. You want to key in on what you feel for her.
  4. Share it. You can literally speak from left to right across the chart: here’s what has happened and what I’ve done, what I can imagine you feel, and what I feel for you.

For me to cultivate empathy, I had to go through these type of exercises on my own, outside of the heated exchanges. So that meant sitting at my desk in the middle of the day, or while at lunch, or driving in my car looking at a feelings chart and matching words to emotions. I needed to try and practice seeing life through her lens. Sometimes I was only coming up with the right words to match what I thought she thought I should feel. With me? But that’s ok, because I had to start somewhere.

That facilitated me being more able to do empathy when the heated moments happened.

Is this the ultimate fix? Negative. But it is one more way you can tap into your heart, and thus hopefully connect with your wife’s heart.

Here are the links I mentioned earlier –

Shelley’s post on Empathy & Humility

Empathy & Humility Video