WeDared

In a recent WeDared Challenge email there was a powerful section describing lies and how Satan would have us believe there is no hope. Specifically the lie was: learning to bounce and starve your eyes is impossible so why try.

What a ridiculous statement! But it was one I believed in my addiction. In an effort to explain my inability (and on some level, my unwillingness) to change, and to justify my sinful behavior, I started to believe that it is impossible to live with integrity. I began to resign to the fact that I am just lustful and that being able to live without staring, oogling, objectifying, etc. was something God apparently had reserved for better Christians than me.

Another lie.

The truth is, God is still in the business of changing hearts and habits. Just because you’ve lived a certain way for a long time doesn’t mean you are bound to that lifestyle from here on out. You are not the sum total of your bad behaviors. Your mistakes from the past do not have permission to define your future.

Three things have helped me, thank the Lord, change that lustful behavior. Maybe they can help you?

  • Having a mantra. Seriously, every time I’m tempted to look lustfully I say to myself (and sometimes out loud), “there’s nothing I need, guaranteed”. You’d be surprised how awkwardly someone looks at you after you blurt out this phrase – especially someone you might lust after! This little saying reminds me that God is the ultimate meeter of my needs. Not some woman. Not even my wife.
  • Or if you’re single, perhaps AccountabilityCam or GodCam. The idea is that if Shelley could watch a TV screen that showed my every move, she could hear everything I say, and a ticker tape at the bottom showed my every thought, she would be honored by it. I want to live in a way that, even if I am in a struggle, she would be honored by the way I fight it.
  • To remember that anyone I might want to lust after is a walking story. That woman, in that moment, is living with the culmination of the things she’s done and the things done to her. She is a hurting human, with a need for Jesus just like me. To lust after her is to take advantage of her; something Jesus was pretty adamantly against.

These help me, but I’m curious to hear what helps you. Is there something you do to help change lustful looking?

And by the way, if you haven’t seen the WeDared Challenge yet you should check it out – www.wedared.com

Fraudulent Intimacy

True intimacy always comes with the risk of rejection. Whether real or perceived, when we deliberately push ourselves towards vulnerability and allow ourselves to be known there is a sense of possible rejection. And don’t we all know that risky feeling, wondering even as the words come out of our mouth if we’ll find acceptance from the person we’re sharing with? It doesn’t matter how long we’ve known the person or how recently we met, it doesn’t matter if they share our last name or not; the risk of rejection is real.

That risk is part and parcel to true intimacy.

But the benefit of true intimacy is huge! Think about the emotional benefits of being in a truly intimate relationship, where someone knows your hopes, dreams, fears, failures, passions, criticisms, insecurities, etc. and still accepts you. These words come to mind-

  • Love
  • Acceptance
  • Validation
  • Comfort
  • Safety
  • Respect
  • Security
  • Contentment
  • Peace
  • Joy
  • Belonging
  • Affirmation

Who doesn’t want all that in and from a relationship?! Yet lets not forget…all these come with the risk of rejection. To fully accept the acceptance we long for we must be fully known (to the extent we can know ourselves, for all you existentialists out there). Without being fully known, good, bad and ugly, in the back of our minds we’ll always be asking, “if you really knew me, if you really knew what goes on in my head and in my life, would you still accept me”?

Enter false or fraudulent intimacy.

Fraudulent intimacy is something that resembles true intimacy, giving a brief expression of the benefits, while minimizing and sometimes completely eradicating the risk. The allure is that for a moment, while acting out sexually, we can feel a little dose of love, acceptance, comfort, belonging, etc. without having to risk our hearts by being fully known. But it’s a fraud, ever convincing us that what we’re experiencing is real when all along its smoke and mirrors. The emotional benefits are fleeting, quickly replaced by shame, guilt and a desire to hide. True intimacy always promotes openness, vulnerability and connection. Fraudulent intimacy promotes shame, hiding and isolation.

Remember, the antidote to sexual acting out with pornography, strip clubs, prostitutes and affairs is true intimacy.

Purposeful Prayer

One of the great things about purposeful prayer is that it can center us. It can anchor us to the truths and realities of our identity in Christ, even when the waves of life feel like they’re crashing over us. Further, purposeful prayer can remind us where we are going. By inviting God into particular places in our journey, we do ourselves a favor by taking note of where we are and where it is we’re trying to go. We can invite God into the present, pray for his help reaching the destination he designates, and also to help us develop the character He desires in us along the way.

I find purposeful prayer especially helpful when I know I’m headed into a circumstance where my integrity may be challenged. For example, on Thursday I’ll be driving to the airport for the next Every Mans Battle Workshop. I know that I’m driving towards an environment where I better be on my A-game. Not only is the airport a temptation filled placed because of the people, but also because in my past life of addiction I would use the anonymity of traveling to other cities to act out. I used to get excited and feel the drip of adrenaline just driving to the airport, knowing I was going to become a different person. Now I know that the electricity associated with that drive it is a trap; giving it attention or acknowledgement is a step towards forfeiting my integrity.

So, knowing I’m headed into that space requires me to prepare with purposeful prayer. Month after month on the drive I pray this prayer:

 God, help me be a man of integrity as I walk into that airport. When I’m on the plane, or at the hotel, help me honor you, my wife, my boys, my self, my clients, my ministry and my recovery. Help me honor you with my words, with my eyes, with my mind, with my hands and with my heart. Help me be a man worthy of the call you’ve put on my life. Amen.

What situations do you know in advance will challenge your integrity? What prayer can you pray to help center and anchor you to be the man God has called you to be? I urge you to write yours down and review it often.

PS: this idea of purposeful prayer is a part of the additional tools I’ve included in the Worthy of Her Trust Toolkit. I developed this ebook to summarize the key points of Worthy of Her Trust, as well as to provide additional prayers, exercises and Scripture to help with the process. You can purchase and download that resource HERE.