Afraid of Making Amends?

“Should I contact the women I had affairs with?”
“Do I try to make amends with their husbands or boyfriends?”
“What about their children? Do I make amends with them?”

All these fears—and more—plagued Stan. Caught in a second affair, he was a middle-aged man whose actions had deeply hurt his wife. He wasn’t sure that his wife would stay with him, so he sought counseling and began Life Recovery. He went through Step Eight, but Step Nine paralyzed him with fear.

Like Stan, many of us are afraid of making amends. Step Nine of Life Recovery says, “We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Questions to Consider

If you need to make amends but are afraid, here are some questions for you to consider:

• Who are the people on your amends’ list who strike the most intense fear in your heart when you think about making amends, face-to-face?
• Do you have supportive people to help you gain willingness to take such a challenging step?
• What fears keep you from the life-giving process of Step Nine?
• Does your amends’ list include people that have something against you? If so, do you have difficulty finding the courage to deal with them?
• Are you willing to go to any lengths to make amends? What risks are involved?
• Do you have any unfinished business left on your list such as money owed, laws you’ve broken, or broken relationships?
• What are you afraid will happen if you attempt to make amends?
• Do you fear the painful consequences will cause you suffering if you make amends? If so, what is the worst that could happen?
• Do you trust God’s will for you if you follow the challenge of Step Nine?
• Which of the Twelve Steps can you go back to in preparation to make amends?

Next, share your answers with someone you trust such as a Life Recovery Group, counselor, or coach.

After seeing a counselor, Stan decided not to make amends to the women he had the affairs with because it was not safe. However, he made amends with his wife and children for their own healing. Then he made living amends by changing his behavior so that his wife could trust him.

For help with making amends, find a Christian counselor or coach by calling 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433).

Adapted from The Life Recovery Workbook by Steve Arterburn and Dr. Dave Stoop