Burned Bridges? 4 Steps to Repairing Them

Do you know where the term “burn your bridges” came from? It is a military strategy which means to act in a way that destroys any chance of returning to the way things were. Let’s say an army attacks across a river; to protect themselves, they may burn the bridge after crossing it.

Have you ever burned bridges with someone? Wish you could go back? Then consider going through Life Recovery Step 8 again, even if you’ve already gone through all of the 12 Steps of Life Recovery.

Romans 12:18 (NLT) says, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” To “live peaceably,” you must do what you can to make amends. Life Recovery Step 8 says, “We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

There are four steps to take when it comes to repairing a burned bridge.

First, reflect on how your behavior has affected others. What would it be like to be on the receiving end of your behavior? Our behavior is an action we take—whether consciously or unconsciously—that has become a pattern. Every time we lie, cover up, blame, excuse, abuse, betray, or abandon, we hurt others. To rebuild a burned bridge, we must know what it is like for others to be on the other side of us.

Second, consider whether a relationship is safe enough for you to go back to. If it’s not safe—whether for you, the other person, or your children—you must separate temporarily or break off the relationship altogether. To determine if it’s a safe enough relationship for you to go back to, connect with a New Life Counselor or Coach.

Third, think about what you can do to make amends. Part of making amends is attempting to make right that which you did wrong. For example, if we stole, then we should repay the other person. If unsure, you can always ask, “What can I do to repair the damage that I’ve done?” Then, listen with an open heart.

Fourth, create a list of those you’ve harmed, and put them into three categories:

1. Those to make amends with now.
2. Those to make amends with later.
3. Those you cannot or should not make amends with.

As you create your list, ask God to give you courage and to prepare your heart for what might happen. Don’t restrict your list only to those amends to only those people that you think might be receptive to you. Remember, you are only responsible for repairing your side of the bridge, not theirs. If you try to make amends and they don’t respond positively, what then? If this is the case, you will have to cross that bridge when you come to it.

By Kimberlee Bousman